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Pyromania runs wild again

May 28th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin grabs a chunk of meat as sweat from the oven’s heat pours down his face. He pulls the bones out from beneath the skin and drop them into a brown paper bag. Be puts the baking tray into the oven, praying it doesn’t explode. Kevin the falls back into a chair as though he had deflated.]

Kevin: You need a will of iron for this cooking bullshit.

[Kevin brushes the bowl of grated cheese he plans to melt onto the meat and places a photograph of a sumo wrestler on the counter. He holds an orange lighter up to the corner.]

Kevin: PYROMANIA!!!

[Kevin ignites the photo and watches as it burns. He blinks a number of times before putting out the remnants in the sink.]

Kevin: There must be a tree I can set fire to.

[Kevin throws the lighter out of his fingers into his pocket before running past the refrigerator and through the door. He gawks at the beech tree he sees before him in his friend Tim’s backyard. He takes a swig of pepsi and chews the cream off the side of an oreo.]

Kevin: It’s pyromania time and I’m late!

[Kevin pumps his fists as he runs to the tree and starts hitting it repeatedly with an axe. He then takes out a couple of matches and his trusty can of gasoline.]

Kevin: Pyromania!

[The tree bursts into flames and a dog begins barking uncontrollably. Kevin then sets fire to himself and rolls around in the grass until he puts himself out and recites a classic Lethal Weapon quote.]

Kevin: I’m too old for this shit.

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