“Icon?” ruins “Idol?”
LOS ANGELES – The grown-up rocker triumphed over the smooth-voiced kid as David Cook claimed the “American Idol” title Wednesday, and it wasn’t as much of a surprise as it seemed. However, a little known professional wrestler from a small time, and arguably low budget “promotion” caused several surprises of his own.
While the judges all but crowned 17-year-old David Archuleta the night before, the voters decided otherwise — and in a huge and unexpected way. Host Ryan Seacrest said before the results that that the margin was 12 million votes, and it turns out they broke in the favor of the 25-year-old from Blue Springs, Mo. Meanwhile, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, an aging grappler from Nipples, er Naples, Florida was crowning the night his own special way.
Plants, who was in the news several months ago after causing a ruckus during a studio taping of “Jeopardy!”, one in which had allegedly caused host Alex Trebek to have a heart attack, has once again shown that professional wrestlers from insignificant federations should not be allowed in public venues.
While Plants was disturbing the event backstage, Cook was overcome by emotion, bending toward the stage after his name was announced. When he stood up, his eyes were filled with tears, the second time in as many nights that the scruffy, grainy-voiced belter had broken down.
“This is amazing,” he said. “This is all your fault,” he added, addressing his brother, Andrew. The story goes that Cook was only tagging along with his sibling to the “Idol” auditions to lend support, and wound up getting on the show.
The festivities began innocent enough as Cook immediately took the microphone and began to sing “Time of my Life” by Nashville singer/songwriter Regie Hamm, winner of the annual “Idol” songwriting competition, to close out season seven.
Cook refused to bow to the conventional during his three-song set Tuesday, with Collective Soul’s “The World I Know” as his pick for a closing performance. He also sang U2’s “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” and the power ballad “Dream Big,” his choice from the songwriting competition’s non-winning finalists.
During the show, viewers got songs from runners-up including Syesha Mercado, who dueted with Seal on his song “Waiting for You,” and a solo on “Hallelujah” by dreadlocked Jason Castro.
Other “Idol” contestant and name-brand pairings: Cook with ZZ Top, Archuleta with OneRepublic, Bryan Adams with the top six male singers and Brooke White with Graham Nash.
“Brooke looks so much better than Crosby,” Nash quipped backstage, referring to bandmate David Crosby.
The Jonas Brothers got the stage to themselves for a performance.
“American Idol” also celebrated the awfulness that is part of the show, usually confined to the early auditions, with a performance by failed contestant Reynaldo Lapuz that threw in University of Southern California cheerleaders and marching band members. And this is where the proverbial “went to hell in a hand basket” part of the show occurred.
Plants, who was in the audience next to last year’s runner up Blake Lewis and former “Idol” reject William “She Bangs” Hung, took exception to Reynaldo’s butchery of his hand penned tune for controversial judge Simon Cowell. During the portion of the performance where the off-key Lapuz couldn’t even keep tempo with the band, Plants left his seat and somehow managed to get backstage by hiding under Season 2’s winner Ruben Studdard’s left titty.
After the dreadful “performance”, Plants met Reynaldo as he left the stage, kicked him in the stomach, and delivered a “wrestling finisher” Plants calls the “Med Degree”, his version of popular wrestler Hunter Hearst Helmsley’s (Jean Paul Levesque) maneuver christened the “Pedigree”.
Plants was heard by several bystanders as he stood over the prone Lupuz saying, “You couldn’t even sing the goddamn song WITH a band”!
No charges have been filed due to the fact when Reynaldo’s lawyer was contacted, he replied, “What defense do we have? Reynaldo sucks.”
Plants was in the news in a related incident less than a year ago when competing on a “Celebrity” show of “Jeopardy!” with fellow wrestlers Abdullah the Butcher (who chased a live chicken on the set) and former Florida State All-American Ron Simmons when Plants became enraged, flipped his podium, and wiped his own doo-doo on a door inside the studio.
Plants’ actions have been blamed for the cause of Trebek’s infarction that hospitalized the long-time host for several days.
Plants is also being looked at for being directly and/or indirectly responsible in some way to other tragedies ranging from China’s recent series of earthquakes, the four severed human feet found off the coast of British Columbia, rising gas prices, the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, the Myanmar cyclone, helping R. Kelly conspire to literally piss on his fans, Watergate, the second gunman on the grassy knoll, to being responsible for the mega push of Hannah Montana merchandise.
Plants could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the self proclaimed “Sinister Surgeon” and “Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling” say that the doctor turned wrestler is aloof and “on-edge” recently after locker room rumors put his co-worker Nurse Heidi, who is also rumored to be in love with Dr. Plants, in a home made sex video with another wrestler. Luckily, it’s not Sean Waltman, but rather a wrestler who also works for the same promotion Plants is affiliated with.
The source says that despite on-going denials, Dr. Plants has feelings for his nurse, who works for him in a breast augmentation clinic as well as sometimes appearing as his valet at matches when she’s not doing ring introductions, and his bizarre behavior is related to the supposed sex tape and its actual existence.
LOS ANGELES – More details now from the strange incident at last week’s “American Idol” finale that involved an oft troubled professional wrestler/plastic surgeon and a terrible singer cut from the popular series during early auditions.
Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who stirred some controversy last December at a taping of “Jeopardy!”, was sitting in the audience with Heidi Hobson, who portrays Nurse Heidi for the wrestling promotion Brawlers on a Budget, but not in the capacity of a nurse. Dr. Plants is supposedly a plastic surgeon specializing in breast augmentations, and works for the underground federation as a wrestler. Sources say he’s not very good at either job.
Dr. Plants, an Italian originally from Naples, Italy, moved from his homeland with his family to Naples, Florida, where he graduated high school and then went to further his education in medical school. After completing his studies, he took specialty courses in “plastics”, presumably in a third world country, and went to work as a surgeon in a hospital where Miss Hobson also worked in Phoenix, Az.
Hobson, tired of cleaning bedpans, left for the world of professional wrestling in late 1998 as a manager/valet of sorts with a couple of ER techs that had formed a tag-team called “The Ambulance Jockeys”. Plants later followed the trio in early 1999, teaming up with a disturbed coroner from the same facility that dubbed himself “Necro Phil”.
Hospital gossip suggests that Plants couldn’t stand the thought of continuing to work there without Hobson, who was also rumored to be enamored with the physician, and left to join a wrestling league known as the Stereo Type Wrestling Federation to be close to her.
The two later joined Brawlers on a Budget, where they’re both currently employed.
At the widely popular FOX show’s finale, the couple was sitting in the audience behind Blake Lewis, who lost the 2007 season title to Jordin Sparks, and “Idol” reject, William Hung, who is infamous for poor singing and is best known for his abysmal rendition of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs” during a previous season tryout, where Hung, despite claiming to be studying civil engineering at Cal Berkley, sings the song like a little, retarded Asian kid.
See William Hung suck right here:
Sources sitting close to the tandem say that Plants was getting agitated talking to Hobson about a night out with another wrestler in the promotion named Steve Studnuts, who portrays a foul-mouthed, womanizing character. The tryst with Hobson and Studnuts occurred after a dialog constructed during the promotion’s Total Non Action Implosion #2 show was set up by the Vice President in Charge of Everything” in the federation, Trey Vincent.
Here is that exchange:
During Reynado Lapuz’s live performance of his hand written song for “all the people in the world”, which the “singer” titled, “I am Your Brother”, it is said that Miss Hobson told Plants that she would come clean about the alleged sex tape featuring her and Studnuts if Plants could win the GRAND SLAM match at the promotion’s UnFOURgiven event. Dr. Plants, realizing that he hasn’t won a meaningful title in his entire career, including BOB’s top prize since he joined the promotion some nine years ago, simply panicked under the stress of such an ultimatum.
This was about the same time as Lapuz, who was accompanied on stage by the USC cheerleaders and marching band, was getting into his song’s chorus, which oddly sounded like the rest of it. A little over the one minute mark into the performance, the garishly dressed Lapuz fumbled his own words, yet continued singing out of rhythm with the band…
This apparently drove Plants over the edge and he snapped. Coupled with the insurmountable task of winning a title he’s never held after trying for nine years to be the only way he’ll find out about if or not Miss Hobson’s bedroom exploits have been caught on film, Plants wigged out, slapped William Hung for being William Hung and then snuck backstage by hiding under Season 2’s winner Ruben Studdard’s fatty rolls under his left bosom.
There, he attacked Lapuz, screamed obscenities at him, and said he would get even with Miss Hobson by making a sex tape with Season 4 “Idol” champion Carrie Underwood.
When questioned about her participation, Underwood stated, “I’d rather suffer the torture of his augmentation than sleep with him.”
Plants is no stranger to temper tantrums. Last December, at a “Jeopardy!” celebrity edition, he went postal after being ridiculed by host Alex Trebek.
See the show here: http://rant.bobwrestling.com/2007/11/30/voiceover-this-is/
The follow up report on Alex Trebek’s heart attack is here: http://rant.bobwrestling.com/2007/12/12/news-wire/
When again asked if Lapuz was going to file charges against Dr. Plants, his lawyer continued to be adamant about saying no.
“Reynaldo is terrible. I’d have probably hit him with a folding chair myself if he sang much longer. Besides, what money could we get from Dr. Plants? Lapuz will probably make more than Plants this year just on talk show appearances alone”, he said.
He’s probably right….