The TITLE, Part 1
The Title! A Rant On Tape: As Read By XamfARRR! Yarrrr! This be–
Sarah: (Voice) Read it right, Xamfir!
Xamfir: Fine. *Sigh*
[Sound of a door closing.]
Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” stood outside a Chinese restARRRant in Sin City’s Chinatown district. She was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, smoking on a cigARRRette and blowing at people passing by. She didn’t smoke. But she liked to annoy Chinese people. And there were so many Chinese people ARRound, it was just like a kid in an Annoy Chinese People Shop.
“We ARRRRe not in Cloudydale anymore.”
“Get outta de way, bronde bitch!” an angry man said, shouldering past BOB’s ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. He fell to the sidewalk. “You twip me? Aw you out of your fwickin’ mind?”
“Small penis, much?” Sarah smiled widely at him.
The man grumbled, dusted himself off and walks away, flipping off Sarah as he went.
“Sarah!” a man’s voice called. “Yo, Sarah!”
Sarah turned to see her, what the hell WAS Trey Vincent to her anyway? Even SHE didn’t know. They weren’t friends. They weren’t partners. All they did was exchange various fluids. She stared at Trey, almost despising him as he made his way through the crowd of much shorter men and women around him. With a cocky smile, he grabbed her ARRRse, and they began walking.
“ARRRRe you sure we should move in together? This seems so sudden. Plus, couples who move in together always end up breaking up. Assuming we even ARRRRe a couple.”
“Huh?” Trey responded. He pulled earphones out of his ears.
“Nothing,” Sarah sighed. “So what’s the deal with this apARRRtment?”
“Why ARRRRe you talking like a pirate? Wait. Why am I talking like a pirate now?”
“Xamfir! Quit it!” Sarah shouted. Eep!
Trey cleared his throat. “Oh, it’s a steal. It’s got tons of space and it’s cheap as hell.”
“The catch,” Sarah asked.
“Oh, you know, murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-murder-suicide. Satanists may or may not have sacrificed some voodoo priests while peeing on an Indian burial ground in the basement and burying nuns’ bodies in the walls of the foundation. Nothing major though.”
Trey stops walking suddenly.
“What is it?” Sarah asked nervously.
“My hands. They’re possessed!” Trey grabs her breasts. “Well I’m a breast man. Whump whump. Yes I’m a breast man.”
“Trey, 1999 called. It said you’re totally lame. Besides. You’re not making the Chinese people uncomfortable enough. Did you bring a kendo stick? Maybe you could cane my ass?”
“Whoops. Wanna go to the Chinese school and see if they have one of those pointer sticks we could steal?”
“Nah, let’s walk this way,” Sarah said, yanking Trey by his T-shirt.
As they walked down the road, they noticed a couple sitting on a wall and making out near the graveyard. Trey and Sarah looked at each other and headed right for them. Once they were a few feet away, Trey jammed his hand into the front of his pants and began to pretend his was stroking himself. At least I HOPE he was pretending.
“Oh, baby. Don’t. Stop. Now!”
The girl screamed and ran. The guy ran after her. “Freak!”
“You’re making out in graveyard and I’m the freak? Scrub. Hey, don’t you have a match against The Domino you should be Ranting for?” Trey asked.
“Oh, right. The Domino sucks. I’m gonna win,” Sarah said flatly.
“What’s with the tape recorder?”
“I’m working on a novel-style roleplay.”
“Ahhh,” Trey said. “Hey, look, it’s a crumbling temple. Wanna go play with my dreidle?”
“Hey, look. Some guy is mourning over somebody. Isn’t that sad? Trey?”
Before Sarah even realized it, Trey was already in the graveyard.
“WAAAAAAAAH. My wife died. WAHHHHHHH. I have to raise my kids alone, WAHHHHHH!”
“What do I see in him,” Sarah wondered aloud. She pulled her over-the-shoulder bag around and looked inside to see the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. “Oh, right. Pretty.”