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Speed Dating

April 10th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is sat at a candlelit table in a fancy restaurant looking at a menu. Sat opposite him is a girl with blonde hair named Lucille.]

Kevin: Don’t you think prawns look like insects?

Lucille: Gross! I wont be ordering them then.

[Kevin smiles.]

Kevin: You wont be having any of the mints then either, they look like teeth here.

[Lucille spins her hair around on her finger.]

Lucille: Candy rots your teeth anyway.

Kevin: Garcon!

[The waiter walks over to their table.]

Waiter: May I take your order?

Kevin: I’ll have a meatball sandwich and pink jelly with marshmallows for dessert. Squeeze me some fresh orange juice as well.

Lucille: And I’ll have spaghetti and meatballs with a french loaf for us to share.

[A man mopping the floor not looking where he’s going bumps into the waiter.]

Janitor: Excuse me.

Lucille: And pineapple ice cream for dessert.

[She puts her menu down and adjusts her pink woolen jumper.]

Lucille: And a glass of beer.

Waiter: Coming up.

Kevin: Beer?! How old are you?

Lucille: 18

Kevin: Shi… I mean, oh. You’re younger than me then. I left my wallet in the glove compartment of my car though.

Lucille: I see. Well, I’ll get this and you can pay for the movie.

Kevin: Ok, but no popcorn. I’m not made of money.

Lucille: Fine, Ebeneezer.

[Kevin laughs.]

Kevin: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re filled up here tonight. I’ve got a brown paper bag I usually use to steal straws, but we can use it as a doggy bag too. Except the jelly and pineapple ice cream. Geez… only in a korean restaurant.

Lucille: This place isn’t korean.

Kevin: Wasn’t that waiter asian?

Lucille: He was hispanic.

Kevin: Whatever, there’s no pinatas so it can’t be mexican.

Lucille: You’re not the smartest guy, are you?

Kevin: No, I’m the dumb but good looking kind. My heads filled with so much rubbish it needs a garbage bag to hold it in.

[The waiter arrives with their food.]

Waiter: Enjoy your meal.

Kevin: Can I have a toothpick for afterwards? Damn, I wish I’d ordered a steak now.

[The scene fades to black to save the viewers the embarrassment of seeing Kevin eat too much jelly and puke on his date.]

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