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Archive for April, 2008

Smudged Photo

April 30th, 2008
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Joe Bananas

[The scene opens inside a smoke filled car with turquoise tinted windows spattered with mud. As a bucket of water is thrown at the car the mud runs off and the sudden sunlight gives the smoky atmosphere a strange sea green glow. Joe Bananas is wearing a creased peach colored shirt and is smoking a blunt. He rolls down the window and pays the man small change for cleaning his car before rolling back up and speeding away. He passes the blunt to a man with cornrows and a mean look on his face.]

Joe: We’ve gotta hurry man or Barney will be pissed.

Tyrrell: It’s only a basketball game, besides, I’m sure he’s got a lot of things on his mind.

Joe: Yeah, but he can do that robotic dance, I don’t want to miss that.

[Tyrrell passes the blunt back to Joe as the car starts to screech from side to side.]

Tyrrell: He also has bad BO and only ever wears that stinky LA Lakers string vest with crumbs all over him.

Joe: Let’s let bygones be bygones. He’s probably just sat on the curb reading a paper… he knows I can’t drive when I’m stoned.

Tyrrell: I hope so, otherwise this sun will melt the fucker before we get there.

Joe: We’ll meet him later, don’t worry man.

[Joe stops the car and hands the blunt over to Tyrrell. He opens the door and climbs out. There is an empty playground with swings, a roundabout and a slide.]

Joe: Oh man, I gotta go down this slide.

[Joe slams the door behind him and crawls like a centipede onto the grass. Tyrrell opens a bottle of liquor after putting out the blunt. Joe climbs up the steps and slides down the ride. He runs back to the car, giggling out of his mind, and just climbs in through the window.]

Joe: For old times sake.

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Blueberry Pie

April 26th, 2008
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Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin covers a blueberry pie stain on the wall with a framed painting of a pineapple before jumping off the chair. He takes a drag on a cigarette before stacking the chair back onto a table. He swept the empty pie case off the edge into a garbage bag.]

Kevin: Well that didn’t go well.

Oscar: You wanted to put explosives in that pile of bricks.

[Kevin bites into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.]

Kevin: It was too much pressure!

Oscar: You should read books more instead of listening to music then this wouldn’t have happened.

Kevin: It wasn’t spineless, just thoughtless. I knew I should have just collected centipedes.

[The camera fades out as Kevin and Oscar clear the bricks into the black garbage bag.]

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xxxtemre hikoo!!!

April 24th, 2008
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XXXtreme Machine

well kik ur asses
alx smith n litl gud!
cuz u rnt xxxteme!

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An attempt to find purpose

April 19th, 2008
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Mr. Paradox

*In South Dakota, Mr. Paradox and Dr. Thrilla are playing gin rummy, Cecil sitting on the sidelines. Mr. Paradox sighs.*

Mr. Paradox: Sometimes I wonder… what exactly am I in the company now? Face or heel?

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Dr. Thrilla

Cecil: The doctor always assuemd you were a heel.

Mr. Paradox: That’s what I used to think, but aside from occasionally threatening the bookers and using a sword in the ring, I don’t do anything really heelish. But I’m not really a face, either. I don’t get face pop.

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Cecil: You do seem to focus more on personal gain than on screwing anyone over, with the exception of Steve Studnuts.

Mr. Paradox: And he’s a heel. Heel/heel feuds aren’t unheard of, but…

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: You know, doctor, you’re right. That’s what I am. I’m a Do-What-I-Feel-Like tweener.

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Cecil: The doctor wonders what he is.

Mr. Paradox: You’re a heel.

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: Yes, I’m sure. To be frank, doctor… you’re ugly. Men with bear traps for teeth are never faces, even if they don’t use street signs as weapons.

Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*

Mr. Paradox: Yes, Thrilla LIfe is a heel, too.

*The camera cuts off.*

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Sailing!

April 16th, 2008

Steve Studnuts

~~~Steve Studnuts is seen wearing a leisure suit in the ballroom of what appears to be a luxury liner/cruise ship. He has a microphone and a familiar theme to people sorta old plays faintly in the background.~~~

Studs: (singing, sounding like a cross between William Shatner and Chris Isaac.) Loooove………Oh it’s shin-y and new.

Come aboooooard, we’re EX-pec-TING yooooooooooooooooooooou.

THE LOOOOOOVE BOAT!

Hop-ing to find some-one to fuck.

THE LOOOOVE BOAT!

When you’re Stud-nuts you don’t need luuuuuuck.

There’s a chance when you’re sailing that you’ll maybe find ro-maaaaaance….

The on-ly thing that you’re thinking is getting in-to her pants.

Spread ‘em wide and start licking, that bitch will start kicking, if the boat is a rockin’, don’t be fucking knocking…

THE LOOOOOOOOOOOVE BOAT!

Rub your puss-y on my washboard abs….

THE LOOOOVE BOAT!

Here’s hop-ing I don’t— get—- the craaaaaaaabs!

~~~Sound of needle scratching across a record.~~~

~~~static~~~

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Sit Tight

April 16th, 2008

Jerri Li

[Jerri Li is sat in her living room watching a scat movie whilst eating chocolate ice cream. Suddenly the doorbell rings and she goes to answer.]

Delivery Man: Here’s the package you ordered.

[Jerri takes the package and slams the door shut. She takes it into the living room, unties the string and rips off the brown paper. Inside is a huge circular saw which she lifts out with a smile. She rests it on a chair and takes a step back to admire it.]

Jerri: I’m going to have a lot of fun with this.

[Jerri then heads towards the kitchen to cover herself in chocolate sauce and stand next to a beehive to reopen her closed wounds.]

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Seth Harker, who goes there? Part 2

April 14th, 2008
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The Great

(A couple of days ago, on the Brawler’s on a Budget Rant Zone—)

“The Great”: Can you see who it is? Why don’t you just open the door?

The Great’s wife: No way! It’s a white guy, dressed like a black guy, with baggy jeans and boots. He looks pretty scary and pissed. He could be a mugger! Or a rapist!

“The Great”: The Great assumes we can rule out rapist.

The Great’s wife: He’s wearing an Atlanta Black Crackers baseball jersey and he’s holding a St. Louis Stars jersey.

“The Great”: He brought The Great a gift! It’s a Negro League throwback jersey! It’s Pete Trable, let him in!

(And now, the conclusion of “Seth Harker, who goes there?” Subtitled: “Pete Trable’s in the Hizzyouse.”)

The Great’s wife: Hey, what do you mean you could rule out rapist? I’m rapeable!

“The Great”: The Great is certain that’s not even a word.

The Great’s wife: I’m rape ready? I’m a raper’s delight? Hip hop, grab my hips and you don’t stop?

“The Great”: That was Rapper’s Delight. The Great is embarrassed at this moment to be your husband.

The Great’s wife: I could be a White Rapper’s Delight! I could be raped! I’m sure I’d rank very high on the Rape scale!

XFactor Pete Trable

(The Great simply ignores her, pushes her aside, and opens the door. Sure enough, it’s Pete Trable, looking a bit disheveled.)

“The Great”: Hi, Pete!

(Pete Trable doesn’t say a word, but simply hands The Great a piece of paper and nods at him as if indicating he needs The Great to read the note.)

“The Great”: You want The Great to read this?

(Pete nods again.)

Hello, Handler of The Great. This is the Creator of Pete Trable. I’ve looked over your request and have granted you use of Pete, under the following guidelines:
1) Do not turn Pete into a homosexual character.
2) Do not turn Pete into a character who’s not gay but has gay tendencies or acts feminine.
3) Do not turn Pete into a character who’s not gay but is constantly mixing his words to sound gay.
4) Do not have Pete hanging out with gays, in a faction with gays, in a male cabaret with gays, or anywhere else on the planet with gays. This is also to include outer space.
5) Basically, do not turn Pete into anything closely resembling Axl VanHalen.
6) Do not use Pete as a prop.
7) Do not have Pete sign off by saying “word to your gram-gram”.

Agree and you can use Pete Trable.
Thanks and have fun.
J

“The Great:” The Great agrees. The Great also hopes that J doesn’t get angry at The Great for posting his private message to The Great on the forum.

Pete: Hells yeah! Finally I gots a nigga gonna treat Pete right, yo.

“The Great”: Umm, The Great’s handler doesn’t feel comfortable typing that word.

Pete: Word?

“The Great”: THAT word.

Pete: Oh. Word.

The Great’s wife: Hi, Pete.

Pete: ‘Sup?

The Great’s wife: I heard your apartment burned down, that’s terrible.

Pete: Oh snap, you right. Hey Great, can I chill at your crib awhile? I gots no place to go.

“The Great”: The Great doesn’t see why not. Besides, The Great was going to ask you if you wanted to team up with The Great.

Pete: Yo, do I have a choice? I ain’t got no place to live, nowattasayen?

“The Great”: That’s—um, GREAT! Here’s what The Great was thinking. You can repackage yourself as The Amazin’. You and The Great could form a tag-team called The Amazin’ Greats. You can rework the lyrics to Amazing Grace for our intro music.

Pete: You gots it all figured out, huh?

“The Great”: Just imagine this, you could do a rap about US! It could go something like:
Hey yo, it’s The Great and The Amazin’, looking at us it’s like you be gazin’—
At stars, we don’t hang at gay bars—
Cause J get mad and give us some scars.

The Great is unbeaten and none tougher than Amazin’—
So hardcore he eats bran without the raisin.
Mess with us, you going down to defeat—
Have the tag-team titles within one week.

Appreciate! You don’t have to hate—
Number 1 Stunnas The Amazin’ and The Great!

Pete: Yo, is it too late to go back to bein’ a Drudley’s prop? Hangin’ round wit Axl’s butthole pirates is almost betta dan dis.

“The Great”: Well, The Great is not a rapper. The Great is sure you could do better.

Pete: WORD! But don’t be comin’ wit dat Will Smith rhyme, Pete Trable is Ice T core, nowattasayen. I’m legit gangsta, from da mean streets of Fresno! Don’t watah down my flow wit dat Saturday mornin’ sing-song. You gots to come hard!

“The Great”: No. You got to come hard.

Pete: Yo, foo’! Your handla da one workin’ da stick, don’t look at me! Now if he can’t come strong wit some lyrical magicisms, I’m out. I’ll go live on da streets, yo.

“The Great”: Not so hasty, you can stay here. We’ll work on it, the raps The Great means. You can stay in the guest room.

The Great’s wife: What? What about Mother?

“The Great”: The Great thinks she could stay at the Holiday Inn.

The Great’s wife: Oh, NO-YOU-DIDN’T!

Pete: Look like it’s time to bug out.

“The Great”: WORD!

(Peace out, triggas!)

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Seth Harker, who goes there?

April 12th, 2008
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The Great

(The Great is at his home in St. Louis, Mo. He’s sitting at his kitchen table, with a stack of envelopes about 3 feet high in front of him. He’s diligently writing in a fold-over notepad, most likely his check balance register. Probably is, since The Great is noticeably sweating.)

“The Great”: 200 and 50 dollars for a manicure? And what the hell is eyebrow waxing? 100 dollars? For THAT?

(The Great’s wife walks into view.)

“The Great”: Can The Great ask you a question? The Great wonders how it is possible that a person requires weekly dead skin cell removal at 55 dollars per visit? You and The Great would save a lot of money if you’d simply let The Great exfoliate.

The Great’s wife: Oh sure! It’s always about me. It’s always my fault! Why don’t find another job that pays? That stupid wrestling stuff ain’t working. YOU ain’t working! When’s the last match you had? Three months ago? Huh? Are they EVER going to pay you? I’m calling Olive Garden right now and get you on as dish cleaner or something.

“The Great”: Clam down. The Great is booked for a match in the next couple of weeks. Against Seth Harker.

The Great’s wife: Who?

“The Great”: Seth Harker.

The Great’s wife: Seth Harker? What kind of stupid name is that? Is wrestling him going to get you any money?

“The Great”: That is something The Great will have to debate.

The Great’s wife: What? Then wrestle somebody else! Somebody that will guarantee you a payday from that cheap ass wrestling promotion you “work” for. Work means pay! You work, they pay. Then I spend. That’s how it works!

“The Great”: Oh, The Great knows that last part is working pretty well.

The Great’s wife: Whatdidyousay?

“The Great”: No need to get snippy. The Great, did formulate, a plan. Remember when The Great defeated Axl?

The Great’s wife: Now that’s the gay one, right? The one that looks like a faggy Crow Sting?

“The Great”: That’s him. The Great helped one of his Hierarchy members escape the unspeakable hell that was being associated with that group. The Great figures he at least owes The Great like 25 dollars or something.

The Great’s wife: OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Don’t break the bank! What WILL we DO with ALL THAT MONEY? I think I’ll call Expedia right now and get us a room at the Palais de la Méditerranée on the French Riviera with that!

“The Great”: You know what? Sometimes The Great would really like to—

(The doorbell rings)

“The Great”: Are you expecting anybody?

The Great’s wife: Publisher’s Clearing House. It’s Ed MCMAHON! How do I look?

“The Great”: Hey, maybe it’s Vince McMahon. And then The Great can find Matt Stryker on ECWWE and kick him square in the nuts for calling The Great a jobber.

(The Great’s wife peeks through a curtain and out a window that let’s her see who’s on the porch.)

The Great’s wife: I know it’s not going to be anybody for Lori. She’s grounded for sneaking out of the house at 4:30 in the morning and “practice” driving the car around the neighborhood. Nick’s in trouble for not finishing his parade float of Vermont for his class project, so his friends cant’ come over. And neither can Johnny’s, did I tell you he was grounded too? Yeah, he decided to try and commandeer all the televisions in his school, you know the ones that show the educational, PBS stuff? Yeah, he tried to use that goofy commercial by Silver Shamrock Novelties and mind control the entire elementary. Silly kid.

“The Great”: Can you see who it is? Why don’t you just open the door?

The Great’s wife: No way! It’s a white guy, dressed like a black guy, with baggy jeans and boots. He looks pretty scary and pissed. He could be a mugger! Or a rapist!

“The Great”: The Great assumes we can rule out rapist.

The Great’s wife: He’s wearing an Atlanta Black Crackers baseball jersey and he’s holding a St. Louis Stars jersey.

“The Great”: He brought The Great a gift! It’s a Negro League throwback jersey! It’s Pete Trable, let him in!

(to be continued?)

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Speed Dating

April 10th, 2008
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Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac is sat at a candlelit table in a fancy restaurant looking at a menu. Sat opposite him is a girl with blonde hair named Lucille.]

Kevin: Don’t you think prawns look like insects?

Lucille: Gross! I wont be ordering them then.

[Kevin smiles.]

Kevin: You wont be having any of the mints then either, they look like teeth here.

[Lucille spins her hair around on her finger.]

Lucille: Candy rots your teeth anyway.

Kevin: Garcon!

[The waiter walks over to their table.]

Waiter: May I take your order?

Kevin: I’ll have a meatball sandwich and pink jelly with marshmallows for dessert. Squeeze me some fresh orange juice as well.

Lucille: And I’ll have spaghetti and meatballs with a french loaf for us to share.

[A man mopping the floor not looking where he’s going bumps into the waiter.]

Janitor: Excuse me.

Lucille: And pineapple ice cream for dessert.

[She puts her menu down and adjusts her pink woolen jumper.]

Lucille: And a glass of beer.

Waiter: Coming up.

Kevin: Beer?! How old are you?

Lucille: 18

Kevin: Shi… I mean, oh. You’re younger than me then. I left my wallet in the glove compartment of my car though.

Lucille: I see. Well, I’ll get this and you can pay for the movie.

Kevin: Ok, but no popcorn. I’m not made of money.

Lucille: Fine, Ebeneezer.

[Kevin laughs.]

Kevin: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’re filled up here tonight. I’ve got a brown paper bag I usually use to steal straws, but we can use it as a doggy bag too. Except the jelly and pineapple ice cream. Geez… only in a korean restaurant.

Lucille: This place isn’t korean.

Kevin: Wasn’t that waiter asian?

Lucille: He was hispanic.

Kevin: Whatever, there’s no pinatas so it can’t be mexican.

Lucille: You’re not the smartest guy, are you?

Kevin: No, I’m the dumb but good looking kind. My heads filled with so much rubbish it needs a garbage bag to hold it in.

[The waiter arrives with their food.]

Waiter: Enjoy your meal.

Kevin: Can I have a toothpick for afterwards? Damn, I wish I’d ordered a steak now.

[The scene fades to black to save the viewers the embarrassment of seeing Kevin eat too much jelly and puke on his date.]

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Meditation

April 7th, 2008
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Mr. Paradox

*Three men sit side-by-side in the lotus position, holding their arms out at their sides. Dr. Thrilla is on the left, Cecil on the right, and Mr. Paradox in the middle. They sit on a blanket atop a layer of snow.*

Mr. Paradox: We are not at a loss for things to do this promo…

Dr. Thrilla

Dr. Thrilla: *reflective metal clanging*

Cecil: The doctor says, “Ommmmmm…”

*They lift their hands over their heads as rain pours down.*

Mr. Paradox: We will crush the Snapmare Kid like an insect…

Dr. Thrilla: *reflective metal clanging*

Cecil: The doctor says, “Ommmmmm…”

*Their hands reach in front of them as they sit on hardened ground, the sun shining down.*

Mr. Paradox: We will continue to do promos even with our bitchy connection…

Dr. Thrilla: *reflective metal clanging*

Cecil: The doctor says, “Ommmmmm…”

*They stand, ankle-deep in mud.*

Mr. Paradox: Spring in Minnesota is weird.

Dr. Thrilla: *reflective metal clanging*

Cecil: No need to do that anymore, doctor.

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