(A couple of days ago, on the Brawler’s on a Budget Rant Zone—)
“The Great”: Can you see who it is? Why don’t you just open the door?
The Great’s wife: No way! It’s a white guy, dressed like a black guy, with baggy jeans and boots. He looks pretty scary and pissed. He could be a mugger! Or a rapist!
“The Great”: The Great assumes we can rule out rapist.
The Great’s wife: He’s wearing an Atlanta Black Crackers baseball jersey and he’s holding a St. Louis Stars jersey.
“The Great”: He brought The Great a gift! It’s a Negro League throwback jersey! It’s Pete Trable, let him in!
(And now, the conclusion of “Seth Harker, who goes there?” Subtitled: “Pete Trable’s in the Hizzyouse.”)
The Great’s wife: Hey, what do you mean you could rule out rapist? I’m rapeable!
“The Great”: The Great is certain that’s not even a word.
The Great’s wife: I’m rape ready? I’m a raper’s delight? Hip hop, grab my hips and you don’t stop?
“The Great”: That was Rapper’s Delight. The Great is embarrassed at this moment to be your husband.
The Great’s wife: I could be a White Rapper’s Delight! I could be raped! I’m sure I’d rank very high on the Rape scale!
(The Great simply ignores her, pushes her aside, and opens the door. Sure enough, it’s Pete Trable, looking a bit disheveled.)
“The Great”: Hi, Pete!
(Pete Trable doesn’t say a word, but simply hands The Great a piece of paper and nods at him as if indicating he needs The Great to read the note.)
“The Great”: You want The Great to read this?
(Pete nods again.)
Hello, Handler of The Great. This is the Creator of Pete Trable. I’ve looked over your request and have granted you use of Pete, under the following guidelines:
1) Do not turn Pete into a homosexual character.
2) Do not turn Pete into a character who’s not gay but has gay tendencies or acts feminine.
3) Do not turn Pete into a character who’s not gay but is constantly mixing his words to sound gay.
4) Do not have Pete hanging out with gays, in a faction with gays, in a male cabaret with gays, or anywhere else on the planet with gays. This is also to include outer space.
5) Basically, do not turn Pete into anything closely resembling Axl VanHalen.
6) Do not use Pete as a prop.
7) Do not have Pete sign off by saying “word to your gram-gram”.
Agree and you can use Pete Trable.
Thanks and have fun.
“The Great:” The Great agrees. The Great also hopes that J doesn’t get angry at The Great for posting his private message to The Great on the forum.
Pete: Hells yeah! Finally I gots a nigga gonna treat Pete right, yo.
“The Great”: Umm, The Great’s handler doesn’t feel comfortable typing that word.
“The Great”: THAT word.
Pete: Oh. Word.
The Great’s wife: Hi, Pete.
The Great’s wife: I heard your apartment burned down, that’s terrible.
Pete: Oh snap, you right. Hey Great, can I chill at your crib awhile? I gots no place to go.
“The Great”: The Great doesn’t see why not. Besides, The Great was going to ask you if you wanted to team up with The Great.
Pete: Yo, do I have a choice? I ain’t got no place to live, nowattasayen?
“The Great”: That’s—um, GREAT! Here’s what The Great was thinking. You can repackage yourself as The Amazin’. You and The Great could form a tag-team called The Amazin’ Greats. You can rework the lyrics to Amazing Grace for our intro music.
Pete: You gots it all figured out, huh?
“The Great”: Just imagine this, you could do a rap about US! It could go something like:
Hey yo, it’s The Great and The Amazin’, looking at us it’s like you be gazin’—
At stars, we don’t hang at gay bars—
Cause J get mad and give us some scars.
The Great is unbeaten and none tougher than Amazin’—
So hardcore he eats bran without the raisin.
Mess with us, you going down to defeat—
Have the tag-team titles within one week.
Appreciate! You don’t have to hate—
Number 1 Stunnas The Amazin’ and The Great!
Pete: Yo, is it too late to go back to bein’ a Drudley’s prop? Hangin’ round wit Axl’s butthole pirates is almost betta dan dis.
“The Great”: Well, The Great is not a rapper. The Great is sure you could do better.
Pete: WORD! But don’t be comin’ wit dat Will Smith rhyme, Pete Trable is Ice T core, nowattasayen. I’m legit gangsta, from da mean streets of Fresno! Don’t watah down my flow wit dat Saturday mornin’ sing-song. You gots to come hard!
“The Great”: No. You got to come hard.
Pete: Yo, foo’! Your handla da one workin’ da stick, don’t look at me! Now if he can’t come strong wit some lyrical magicisms, I’m out. I’ll go live on da streets, yo.
“The Great”: Not so hasty, you can stay here. We’ll work on it, the raps The Great means. You can stay in the guest room.
The Great’s wife: What? What about Mother?
“The Great”: The Great thinks she could stay at the Holiday Inn.
The Great’s wife: Oh, NO-YOU-DIDN’T!
Pete: Look like it’s time to bug out.
“The Great”: WORD!
(Peace out, triggas!)