Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Dr. Death!
By Haywood Jablome
FP Writer
WASHINGTON – Death, the former Brawlers On a Budget ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS, has endorsed assisted suicide advocate Jack Kevorkian’s plan to run for Congress, one which complicates a Michigan race that is expected to be among the most competitive in the nation.
The so-called “Dr. Death,” who was released from prison last year and remains on parole, will run as a candidate with no party affiliation for a congressional seat representing Detroit’s suburbs, an associate said.
“You know…there’s been a lot of talk about change in this election,” said Death. “But I believe we need to hear more about death in this election. Who is going to kill the most constituents? I say, Jack! Because everyone knows, politics is all about who can kill the most people with the stroke of a pen. Why elect an amateur when you can hire the real deal?”
Kevorkian is hoping for some honesty in government. He plans to focus on prison reform and bringing integrity to the government. The retired pathologist was not available, but is expected to make formal announcement next week.
“I’m hopeful that Jack will make a special appearance with me at BOB’s debut broadcast on G5 TV, ‘Total Non-Action Wrestling iMPLOSION,’ when I defeat Kid Pirate,” Death continued. “It’ll make a killing in the ratings!”
Death lost the OWTTM at Totally Dead last month.
“I may just introduce Trey Vincent and Sarah ‘The Jobber Slayer’ to my paroled buddy,” Death added with a chuckle. “Trey and Sarah sitting in a tree…d-y-i-n-g. Sarah, I’m gonna give you the deadliest fingerbang of your life! And Trey? You’re gonna play the part of Rover, and get a bone of your own.”