Caption: From Massively Cool
Sarah "The ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS": Greetings, BOB viewers. It’s your new ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS and favorite jobber slayer, along with…
Trey Vincent: The Vice President in Charge of Everything, and one-half of the Most Flammable Tag Team Period, Trey Vincent.
Sarah: Is that really your new tag team name?
TV: Sure, why not?
Sarah: Well, what have we got today, Trey?
TV: Well, since Skeeter and Leary were fired, we’re going to do some commentary.
Sarah: Brilliant! By the way, thank you for firing those bastards, and even Dustbuster Boy. Revenge is so sweet.
TV: Hey, I remember the build-up to Grudge Match A-Go-Go. Steve Studnuts was using his power to get his way backstage and stacking the odds against you. That S.O.B.
Sarah: Finally, everyone who has wronged me is gone, except for Steve. When’s he going?
TV: Now, Sarah. Studs is my buddy. We’re iAd. I’m not getting in the middle of this thing. Let’s just do the commentary. *Ahem*
[Back to the ballroom. "Soemwhere I Belong" by Linkin Park is playing. The mysterious Soem Guy In A Mask steps out wearing all black and a "Come Get Soem" T-shirt. He apparently is looking to slap hands, but nobody offers any. Poor guy.]
TV: You even had Detached Narrator fooled.
Sarah: It was so hard to hide my boobs.
TV: You should never hide those boobs. From me, anyway. Fuck everyone else.
NH: The following is a Fourplay Match. Introducing first, he hails from Soemwhere and weighs soemthing, this is Soem Guy In A Mask.
Styles: This is a return of sorts for Soem Guy…I think. There was a Soem Guy In A Mask who appeared in BOB previously in 2000. Does that look like the same guy to you?
SW: All masked jobbers look the same to me, Styles. Though he does have a nice ass.
TV: Gotta give Scotty props. Even though you were dressed as a guy, he still had his chick radar on. Scary, isn’t it?
Styles: Excuse me?
Sarah: The only thing scarier would be a gay Scotty, honestly. Scotty knows a hot ass when he sees one. And you all know that’s exactly what I got. No junk in this trunk.
TV: I can fix that after this commentary.
Sarah: Oh yeah?
SW: Did I say that out loud?
Styles: You most certainly did.
SW: Shit, am I turning gay? I know I’ve heard of heel turns, but GAY turns? Oh man…*Slap slap slap* Get it together Scotty. That’s a dude!
Styles: Yeah, keep going. Scotty is slapping himself silly.
TV: We should fast-forward to the best parts. Yours. Besides, the only thing you’ll miss here is a great line one of the bookers lifted from the "Colbert Report." Something about a mouse being killed instantly.
Sarah: Was that bit with the mouse a rib on Dustin Rhodes’ latest triumphant gimmick in TNA, the one with the rat?
TV: Probably. Oh, and the line about Luger and the stroke! Brilliant! But we miss that because I’m fast-forwarding as you can plainly see here in front of you.
Sarah: We should’ve gotten into the MST studio for this.
TV: Oh. Now you think of it. Tom and Crow would’ve loved to do commentary with you. Maybe next time I have some time to kill we’ll head over to the Satellite of Love and hang with the bots, do some commentating…ah, here we go.
Styles: And Kevin just tagged in Soem Guy.
SW: This should be….soemthing.
Styles: Both men circling each other. Are you staring at his ass, Scotty?
SW: …No. Fuck you.
TV: *Laughs* It was so funny to see Scotty struggle with his sexuality.
Sarah: I should have sent him a jock to really mess with him. Once he got a whiff, he’d be REALLY confused.
Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a heel kick from Jim. Soem Guy bails out to the floor. Incoming! Jim with a cross body to the floor. Jim sending Soem Guy back into the ring for soem more punishment.
Sarah: This is where the fun began with Jim "Totally Packaged." See? I already beat him in this match. How does HE deserve to face Death for MY title?
TV: Right. If Jim had simply beaten you…
Sarah: He can’t beat me!
TV: Right. I said if. IF! *Sigh*
SW: So if this is a Fourplay match, does that mean only chicks watching are enjoying this right now? Because I sure as hell am not.
Styles: Jim is dominating at the moment. Soem Guy tags out to Kevin.
Sarah: No sense wasting my energy on such inferior jobbers.
TV: Whoa. You’re calling Jim "Totally Packaged" a jobber?
Sarah: Everyone’s a jobber when compared to me. Even you.
TV: The fuck? I’m a sports entertainment icon!
Sarah: Oh yeah. You’re a tag champ. Forgot. *Snort*
TV: You have turned into such a bitch since you turned heel. I’m so aroused right now.
Sarah: Fast-forward this stuff.
TV: Right. Here’s a bunch of stuff and…here we go…did we ever figure out how Dr. Thrilla and Paradox got rehired, or did that go down the memory hole like so many other angles here?
Sarah: No clue. I have a feeling it’ll turn out to be BigBOSS though, since, you know, he runs the place. Occasionally.
Styles: There’s a tag for Soem Guy. Springboard hoodanconrana! That was soem hoodanconrana, Scotty. Spin kick. Spin jab. Wow, what technique. I wonder if Soem Guy knows soem karate or martial arts.
Sarah: Clue, clue!
SW: I wonder if Kevin has been taking lessons on being a punching bag, because if so, he’s a pro at it. Soem Guy is putting the hurt on that green-haired teenage goof.
Sarah: That’s quite the partner you have there, Trey.
TV: Yeah, well, at least I didn’t authorize hiring some bald-Texan who has still yet to earn his gigantic contract. The term "return on investment" is thrown around a lot these days…but I’m getting way more out of Kevin then Luke Warm. We might as well call ourselves WCW and hiring Luke was like hiring Hulk Hogan, except we’re getting even LESS out of Luke Warm.
Sarah: But those movies were cute. Maybe it was like WCW hiring the Ultimate Warrior? Oh, fast-forward again. This part’s boring.
Styles: Soem Guy charges, but right into a Krew Kutter! Here comes Thrilla. Krew Kutter for Thrilla. Cover on Soem Guy! One! Two and no! Soem Guy soemhow kicked out. Jim might have gotten the pin if not for Dr. Thrilla getting involved there.
Sarah: I’m a champion. That’s why I kicked out.
TV: Well, that, and it wasn’t the ending I booked.
Sarah: Take that up your ass, Kay Fabe! You have just been BROKEN!
TV: Are you girls still not made up yet?
SW: Kevin’s boots were made for burning.
Styles: Flaming dropkick takes down Jim!
[Flunky sprays Kevin again with the extinguisher, knocking him over.]
Sarah: We’re NFF’s. Not Friends Forever.
TV: So sad. I had hoped to get the two of you in bed someday, with Seth’s blessing of course.
Sarah: Right. Like that would ever happen.
TV: So…you’re open to it then?
Sarah: … Shut up, Trey.
Styles: Everybody is down and out. Thrilla’s up first. Soem Guy charges, Thrilla ducks. Sunset flip! One! Two! Kevin with a crossbody of sorts! One! Two! Soem Guy kicks out. Jim’s back up. He’s got Kevin! Fisherman Krewplex! One! Two! Soem Guy with a springboard splash! Cover! One! Two! Thrilla breaks it up! Wow, the pace picked up in this one.
TV: Nice spots.
Sarah: B-O-B! B-O-B!
SW: Well, anything looks like an improvement when you’re starting at zero miles an hour.
Styles: Thrilla grabs Kevin. Powerbomb coming up. Hold on… Oh my GOD!
SW: BWAHAHAHA! Oh man!
Styles: How do you describe that one, Scotty?
TV: Sweetest move ever! I’m surprised Kevin’s face didn’t cave in.
Sarah: Hey, this isn’t MST. Stop the inside jokes. Now! Do I look like a pale trenchcoat wearing cruiserweight?
SW: Well…Thrilla was trying for a powerbomb on Kevin, then Jim and Soem Guy came up from behind him and hit a double back suplex sort of thing, which simultaneously drove Kevin face first into the mat!
Styles: I’ve never seen anything like that before.
SW: That’s because any sane people would never try crazy bumps like that!
Styles: It’s safe to say Kevin won’t be much of a factor in this one for the rest of the way. Oh man! Soem Guy just connected with one hell of a superkick to Jim.
Sarah: Styles loves my wrestling style. Could it be because, hmm, he trained me or something?
TV: Yeah. He’s such a mark. Styles must be so embarrassed now, to find out that this new character who came into BOB and Styles marked out for and thought he was great, only to find out it was just a longtime BOB veteran pretending to be some new character.
Sarah: Yeah. How lame is it to be Styles?
[Jim collapses throat first on the middle rope.]
Styles: Soem Guy looking to hit the 555?
SW: 555? Oh, I get it, instead of the 619. How clever, Styles.
Sarah: Thanks for feeding Styles that name.
TV: Sarah Mysterio. Though you did a terrible impersonation of him. You actually won your matches. *Laughs*
TV: Now we can simply call it the 469. Since you definitely are.
Styles: 555 connects. Soem Guy’s on the apron. Here comes the Soem Kind Of Finisher! HOODANCANRANA ROLLUP! ONE! TWO! THREE? HEGOTHIM!
SW: What? Jim jobbed to a masked jobber? Who did HE piss off?
TV: Me! Trey the Gay? I think not. I’m not the one hanging around with Da Sassy Bitch. I’m hanging around with Sarah. Who never even once gave into the temptation of lesbianism, even though she had Kay Fabe drooling over her for like eight years straight.
Sarah: I also did give into the temptation of you for like, six years.
TV: Yeah, but you can’t resist my charms forever. No chick can. If I just kept begging and pleading, you all eventually get sick of it and give in. Or, if I slip them a roofie. Either way…
NH: Here is your winner, Soem Guy In A Mask!
Crowd: WTF! WTF! WTF! WTF!
Styles: This is unbelievable. Let me go try and grab an interview with that masked man.
TV: And here’s Styles going into business for himself. What’s up with this?
Sarah: Yeah. He ruined my moment. I had to run and couldn’t even soak up the stupid chants of the loser smarks in the crowd.
[Styles heads to the ring.]
Styles: Excuse me, Soem Guy?
[Soem Guy turns around. His eyes go wide, and Soem Guy bolts out of the ring and runs at top speed up the aisle and out of the ballroom.]
SW: The hell?
SW: Way to go, Styles. I guess Soem Guy’s a little hot. SHY! I meant…fuck me…
Sarah: In your dreams.
TV: In my reality. Woohoo!
Sarah: So, this has been our mini-commentary on my debut match. We’ll be back with more installments, revealing our master plan and belittling everyone in this fed along the way.
TV: Good times, good times. Later jackfucks!