We ain’t going out like that?
(The Great and his family are sitting in his living room. The fireplace is glowing with full flaming, store bought “fire log” used to reduce harmful emissions and still provide heat and ambiance. The Great is once again the focal point of “wrestling questions” and whether or not he’s ever going to generate any income from doing so. We join in progress.)
The Mother In Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh whah?
“The Great”: Yes, The Great was victorious at Totally Dead. The Great had some help though that The Great— did appreciate.
Nick: That wigger guy?
The Great’s wife: NICK! Don’t say that word!
Nick: Why? He says the bad one all the time.
The Great’s wife: I don’t care! I will not have you talking like that in my house.
Nick: Can I say, what’s up my trigger?
The Great’s wife: Absolutely not!
Nick: Aww mah!
Little Johnny: So Father, with aforementioned victory, it is abundantly clear that your win/loss record remains unscathed. Correct? Any monetary compensation for such accomplishments? I really need that uranium, a search for discount plutonium proved to be an exercise in futility.
“The Great”: The Great did receive an envelope from the front office that read “Do not open until Christmas.” The Great assumes that it is a check.
The Great’s wife: Well open it for crying out loud! We can go shopping!
“The Great”: It specifically said not to until Christmas.
The Mother in Law: Whah whah whuh—-whuh whuh whuh whah.
“The Great”: No. The Great is not a wussy weak tit. The Great just likes to do what The Great is told.
Lori: Dad, I hope you gave Axl a stiff one for saying I walked around school naked.
“The Great”: Ew, specify “stiff one”.
Lori: A non-worked punch! Come on, you don’t even know the lingo yet? Katie, you know like, my BFF, totally loves John Cena! We go to wwe.com all the time!
“The Great”: You should go to bobwrestling.com all the time.
Lori: Duh, like why? John Cena is not on there.
“The Great”: Well, he kind of is. He might be my new tag-team partner.
Nick: That wigger guy?
The Great’s wife: NICOLAS! One more time and NO Halo 3 for a week, young man!
Nick: What’d I do mah?
“The Great”: Please, this is getting confusing. Lori, The Great knows you didn’t walk around school naked. We would’ve gotten a note or something. You can’t even skip lunch without them calling now-a-days. And no, The Great doesn’t recall catching Axl with non-worked punches, but The Great’s Twist of Great was not a work. The Great seriously tried to break Axl’s nose. The Great, professionally, doesn’t really care too much for Axl and his gang.
Nick: His gang of fags?
The Great’s wife: NICK! Go to your room!
Nick: But they’re gay, mah! And they called me gay! I’m just a kid.
The Great’s wife: Okay, I’m going to let you off the hook this one time. But watch your language, I don’t want you sounding like that Pete Trable person. He’s very vulgar, and I don’t think you teaming with him is a good idea, honey.
“The Great”: It’s a great idea. The Great is going to suggest that Pete call himself The Amazin’. We form a tag-team and call ourselves The Amazin’ Greats. He can reword Amazing Grace and use it for our theme song entrance music. You know, hardcore it up a bit. It could be big box office.
The Mother in Law: WHUH WHUH whah whah whah whah.
“The Great”: The Great is sure Pete could pull it off. It could go something like this:
(singing, rapping? And in an attempt to woo Pete, it’s done to the sounds of Cypress Hill’s “I Ain’t Going Out Like That.”)
“Let’s kick it, esse.”
It– is –The Great and The Amazin’
You look at us, it’s like you be gazin’—at stars
We raised the bars, can’t touch us we further than Mars.
The Great is super tough, he can’t be beat-en
And when it comes—to—breakfast eatin’
No-bod-y come close to Amazin’
So hardcore he eat bran without the raisin.
Don’t be a dope
Hang yourself with that rope
You wanna beat us, you ain’t got no hope.
Stupid Polly, youcan’thavethiscracker.
Got a long line— waiting for the smackas.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure
A better tandem than Pain and Pleasure.
You think you can beat us, must be whack
Step to us, we’ll break your back
We ain’t going out like that.
(Dead silence. I mean nobody is saying a thing. Everybody just stares blankly at The Great.)
“The Great”: What?
(Silence. A pin drops and you can hear it. )
“The Great”: WHAT?