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Just another day

February 18th, 2008

The Great

(St. Louis, Missouri. The Great’s home. The Great’s dinner table, surrounded by The Great and his family. And the Mother in Law. Carry-out for dinner. Chinese. You expected a home cooked meal? The Great’s wife notices a sulky The Great. She inquires about The Great’s downturn.)

The Great’s wife: Honey, what’s wrong? You seem sullen and gloomy and you’re not eating.

“The Great”: The Great is feeling drained from Valentine’s Day.

The Great’s wife: Oh yeah, you were a real stud the other night! I had multiples!

Nick: Multiple what?

Lori: (without looking up from her iPhone. )T.M.I., mom! That’s soooooo T.M.I.!

“The Great”: The Great was referring to The Great’s finances after the Valentine’s Day. The Great doesn’t understand the need for a stuffed animal purchase of a pink and red hound dog bigger than our living room. It’s ridiculous. With that, the roses, the chocolates, the, umm, sexy lingerie, and the new Mercedes, The Great thought The Great would wallow in self pity for a day or two.

The Great’s wife: Well that’s what I wanted, and Valentine’s Day is MY day.

Nick: Multiple what?

Lori: Shut-up, retard. They’re talking about sex.

Nick: GROSS!

Little Johnny: Father, if the purchase of some uranium is totally out of the question, I was wondering if you think you’d qualify for a loan perhaps? I really need some. Or maybe some plutonium? I’d have to recalculate some formulas, but I gather I could locate some cheaper than uranium on the black market.

The Mother in Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh WHAH?

Little Johnny: On nothing like that. Just a little project for advanced molecular science. This is the first year they’ve offered the class in Kindergarten.

Nick: You lie! They did not!

Little Johnny: Certainly they did. It’s sandwiched right between story time and graham crackers and milk break.

Nick: MOM! Tell him to stop lying!

“The Great”: Kids, please. The Great is not feeling well. The Great has a weird sensation after revealing a secret to a coworker.

The Great’s wife: You’re not gay, are you?

“The Great”: No, The Great is definitely not gay.

Nick: But his next opponent is! HAH!

The Great’s wife: Nick, that’s not nice, even if he called you gay and a bastard. Hey, wait a minute. You don’t have to be nice to him.

Nick: Cool! Can I say that he’s so gay that every time he farts, that it doesn’t make a sound, because his butthole is all stretched out from being gay?

The Great’s wife: I suppose. Now shut-up so I can talk to your dad. What’s this secret you revealed, huh? Are you cheating on me?

“The Great”: No, The Great is not cheating on you. The Great confided to a coworker his true identity.

The Great’s wife: So?

“The Great”: The Great told him what The Great does in the real world for an occupation. He pointed and laughed at The Great.

The Mother in Law: Whah whah whuh whuh whuh whuh.

“The Great”: He said with a job like that, The Great could never gravitate towards a successful career in professional wrestling. That put The Great in a sad state.

Nick: A sad state? Like Indiana?

Little Johnny: Please desist with that milk-fed pubescent quibble.

The Great’s wife: Boys! Stop that! Who was this person? Was he anybody important?

“The Great”: No. He was a little used intern brought in sometimes for gimmicked spots where he’d don a mask and lay down for bigger stars.

The Great’s wife: Well so what then? He’s a loser! You’re going to be a big star and then he can lay down for you.

“The Great”: That’s thinking of the glass as half full.

The Mother in Law: Whah whah whah WHUH whah WHUH whah WHUH.

“The Great”: Oh yes. The Great certainly hopes to be a bigger star from St. Louis than Juanita Wright.

Nick: Mom? Can we get McDonalds? These noodles don’t make the hungries go away.

Little Johnny. Oh–my—Lord. Nicolas, did you just say hungries?

The Great’s wife: Honey, go get the kids some McDonalds.

“The Great”: But why? The Great thought you’d take every opportunity imaginable to drive the new Benz.

The Great’s wife: Good point!

(She quickly gets up and leaves.)

“The Great”: Besides, The Great has to further prepare for Axl, because Axl will not defeat The Great. The Great has studied and played Raw vs. Smackdown 2004 in season mode until The Great’s fingers bled. The Great has all the moves. The Great has supplemented The Great’s workout. The Great is stronger than ever. You might say The Great is stronger than a bear, but not an arctic-circle bear. There’s nothing POLAR about The Great.

But The Great is stronger than a bear. Like a grizzly bear— with gigantic, steroid enhanced rippling muscles.

Nick: DAD! You take steroids?

Little Johnny: *sigh* Such a dullard. Suuuuuch a dullard.

“The Great”: It’s a metaphor, Nick.

Little Johnny: CURSES!

“The Great”: Problem, Johnny?

Little Johnny: I forgot to tell the Mother NOT to get me one of those infernal Happy Meals ®. The toys are insulting!

The Mother in Law: (pointing at Little Johnny.) WHAH WHAH!


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  1. February 18th, 2008 at 09:29 | #1

    (Later that evening, Little Johnny is in his room at a desk, sitting under posters of Sir Isaac Newton and Spongebob Squarepants, picking apart a generic an obviously cheaply made plastic toy.)

    Little Johnny: This is preposterously piteous. I’ve told the Breeder at least a quattuorvigintillion times not to get me Happy Meals® for this very reason. But alas, if I was to melt this inferior, commercial purposes mass produced plastic and adhere it with ahhhhhhh. It just— might—- work—

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