Coming for Axl
(The Great has been doing the usual the past couple of weeks or so since his last promo. Working out, doing steroids, working out, getting nagged by the wife, and watching other promos in the Brawlers on a Budget. He has just finished watching Dr. Plants’ latest offering with the wife on his couch and we pick up from there.)
“The Great”: You see? The Great is not the only one paddling away on the Bankrupt Ocean towards Chapter 11 Island. Dr. Plants looks as though he’s in need of money as well. You don’t see him getting constantly pushed into a second job, do you?
The Great’s wife: He doesn’t have kids to support! He can’t live off do-overs just like you can’t support our children on simply being undefeated. Besides that, he’s a doctor. I’m sure he’s making a lot more money at one job than you are.
“The Great”: It doesn’t appear so.
The Great’s wife: Perhaps not. But watching him does give me an idea. I want a boob job!
“The Great”: Since we’re peers now in the Brawler’s on a Budget, The Great is sure The Great can arrange something.
The Great’s wife: What?! Not with HIM! He’s a quack! I don’t want my boobs to be all messed up like that one lady’s. How do you make a titty look like a pool boy?
“The Great”: It would take some, ummm, great skill The Great would assume.
The Great’s wife: Well never mind that, you get me an appointment with a real plastic surgeon and get me a boob job. It could enhance our sex life!
“The Great”: Are they offering facelifts with augmentations now?
The Great’s wife: Oh for crying out loud! You’re such an ass face!
“The Great”: Ass face? Isn’t that like the pot calling the kettle black or something?
The Great’s wife: You do realize a have a gun in my purse, don’t you?
“The Great”: Before The Great digs a hole The Great can not climb out of, The Great also noticed that Axl has also been talking recently. His skits are a bizarre melting pot of gay sex, computerized doo-doo porn, a man taking a dump on other another man’s head, another guy struggling through an obstacle course, a wigger getting beaten up by a lady, and Axl himself questioning his girlfriend about the small size of his penis and the disturbing admittance of Axl eyeballing his father’s wang while he pisses. Then to top it all off he has some cheap Steve Austin rip-off threaten to beat him senseless and then he calls Nick a bastard.
The Great’s wife: Nick? Our Nick? Nick was conceived in wedlock. Now Lori on the other hand— this guy is stupid.
“The Great”: He’s stupid, yes. But he’s a cornered, dangerous kind of stupid. Axl can’t afford to lose to The Great. Axl is a former champion in the Brawlers on a Budget. He’s held the Swiss Army Belt Title and the very title he cheated The Great out of at New Horizon, THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS. With that résumé, it would be quite embarrassing for Axl to lose to The Great, since The Great has only had two matches. But guess what? Axl is going to be embarrassed, just like Pete Trable must have been by getting slapped around by a woman. Poor Pete Trable, how did a guy like that and Pigeon get associated with Axl?
The Great’s wife: Why are you asking me? How the hell would I know?
“The Great”: The Great was not really asking you. It was a generalized statement.
The Great’s wife: Whatever! I’m going shopping!
“The Great”: The Great is not surprised.
(The Great’s wife leaves. As soon as she is off screen The Great’s 10 year old son, Nick joins The Great on the couch.)
Nick: What ya doing, Dad?
“The Great”: Preparing for The Great’s next match. Against Axl.
“The Great”: What’s the problem, son? The Great notices that you seem a bit melancholy today.
“The Great”: You seem saddened.
Nick: Kids at school are calling me gay since Axl said I was one of The Drunken Irish Fags.
“The Great”: How’s that possible? The Great can’t imagine any kid at your school watching an Axl promo.
Nick: Well somebody did! They keep singing, Nick is a Drunk Irish Faaaag! Nick is a Drunk Irish Faaaaag!
“The Great” But we’re not Irish, did you tell them that? You don’t drink, you’re a kid. Did you tell them that? And you’re not gay. Get a girlfriend and prove them wrong.
“The Great”: Oh, The Great forgot you’re only 10 and girlfriends are still a couple years away. Didn’t you use rubber and glue against them?
Nick: Yeah. They said only fags say that.
“The Great:” Right. They might have you, there. The Great remembers somebody else using that recently as well. Hmmmm. Oh well, use the old reliable. Tell them if they say that again you’re going to go to their ass. Well, maybe not go to their ass, but kick their ass.
Nick: Cool! I can say ass too?
“The Great”: You better stick with butt.
Nick: But then that sounds gay.
“The Great”: Again, you’ve stumped The Great. It’s a Catch 22. Just ignore them. Anything you say will backfire, you’re caught between the rock and the hard place. Just like Axl—-
And Axl— if you’re out there listening to The Great, listen to The Great very closely.
The Great respects your accomplishments. The Great realizes that you’re a main cog in the Brawlers on a Budget machine. But The Great does not care. The Great will have no mercy on you.
And The Great— will grace you soon.
(The Great gets up, flexes, and begins to walk away.)
Nick: Dad, where are you going now? More lifting?
“The Great”: No, The Great has to go call Little Johnny’s Kindergarten teacher and explain to her why he was breaking down the elements of rubber cement and crayons to create a fusion enriched explosive instead of playing dodge ball with his classmates the other day. Damn teachers, they take everything so seriously now. When The Great was in school—- you know what? Never mind.
Nick: Okay. Hey Dad, when you go to wrestle, can you get Kid Pirate’s autograph? He’s cool! I want one of those parrots!
“The Great”: That’s a—- GREAT idea, my boy. The Great can hear it now—
RAAAARK, NAGGING BITCH, NAGGING BITCH, RAAAARK!
“The Great”: Oh nothing. The Great was a having a moment to The Great’s self. It was most joyful, albeit brief.
The Great is coming for you, Axl. And you can’t stop—- The Great.
The Great will dominate.
The Great will mutilate.
And The Great will exterminate.
Don’t hate. Appreciate—-
(cut to commercials.)