Search for Captain Jack Sparrow: Part I
{The Start.}
[A 7-Eleven store in Hollywood late in the evening is relatively quiet until the doors burst open. Guns are pointed toward the Indian behind the counter and his hands immediately raise up above his head.]
Indian Clerk: Don’t shoot! I have green card! I HAVE FUCKING GREEN CARD!
[His eyes are shut tight as the gun comes closer aimed directly at his face. The gun is old and Spanish looking, from times gone by. There is nothing modern about the piece which appears to need gun powder and a minutes preparation to fire round.]
[Holding the gun is a small man dressed as a pirate. His beard is dreadlocked and dirty, his hat is black with the skull and cross bones emblazoned on the front with a mean looking eye patch. The ensemble is completed by a parrot on his shoulder, all sporting a smart looking eye patch.]
[He takes a few steps forward with a clomp and knock as his peg leg hits the linoleum floor.]
[The man is a pirate.]
[His name is Kid Pirate, in fact.]
Kid Pirate: YAAARRRR! This be a pillaging of your merchant store, swine. Stand ye back before I blast a hole in ye face so big ya could fill it with all of Long John Silver’s treasure. YAAARRRR!
[The Indian opens his eyes and looks a little startled to see a small pirate man holding the gun to his face. He begins to lower his hands.]
Kid Pirate: YAARRRRR! Don’t be doin’ nothing rash or ye find yerself six feet under feeding worms with yer vitals and I’ll be helpin’ me self to yer Skittles. Reach fer the skies, land lover!
Indian Clerk: Are you a pirate, sir?
Kid Pirate: YAAARRRR! No, I be the health inspector. Of course I’m a fucken pirate, ya land lovin’ whale barnacle. What else could I be? And this here be a hold up so keep yer hands where I can see em ‘fore I fill ya so full o’ gun powder you’ll be…. er… somethin’ really full of gun powder.
[Kid Pirate looks at his parrot, as though he was a little embarrassed.]
Kid Pirate: Yarrr, Pretty Boy. I thought I had something clever and witty, but I be foolin’ nobody but me self. I had nothin’.
[Pretty Boy, the parrot, tilted his head to one side empathising with Kid Pirate.]
Pretty Boy: Raaark. You tried your best. You tried your best. Raaark.
Kid Pirate: That I did, didn’t I?
[He turned to the clerk, awaiting his opinion. He begins to nod frantically.]
Indian Clerk: Oh yes sir, very convincing. I was frightened.
Kid Pirate: Yaaaar, you’re jus’ sayin’ that coz I be holdin’ this here cannon in me hand.
Indian Clerk: No sir. Very scary. I is very scared, sir.
Kid Pirate: Shite yer pants scared?
Indian Clerk: Er… no sir. Not poop the pants scared.
Kid Pirate: YAAAARRRRR! Shite yer pants then, land lover.
[The Indian double takes as though he never heard Kid Pirate right.]
Indian Clerk: Excuse me sir?
Kid Pirate: I said “shite yer pants”, dugong tit. And when Kid Pirate tells ye to shite inside your underdacks one shites inside their underdacks so get to shiteing before I blast you to kingdom come. YAAARRRRR!
Indian Clerk: Really?
Pretty Boy: Really really. Rark! Really really.
[Kid Pirate nods. The Indian drops his head disappointed and takes a deep breath. He tries to drop his hands but Kid Pirate pushes the gun toward the Indian who raises his hands high above his head again. He closes his eyes and begins to strain.]
Indian Clerk: Ungh!
[Kid Pirate and the Indian make eye contact. They share an awkward moment where they both look away. The Indian is still straining, his face a crimson red. The normal colour returns to his face and Kid Pirate notices a scent in the air.]
Kid Pirate: YARRRR! That be nasty it does.
Indian Clerk: Sir, you told me to poop inside my pants, sir. Poop stinks.
Kid Pirate: YARRR! The Indian man speaks the truth. Shite does stink, so it does, Pretty boy.
Pretty Boy: So it does. So it does. RARK!
[Kid Pirate looks around the 7-Eleven where he notices a magazine. On the cover is Captain Jack Sparrow in all his glory. He quickly snatches up the magazine and turns it to show the Indian.]
Kid Pirate: YARRRR! Who be this?
Indian Clerk: That is Captain Jack Sparrow, sir.
Kid Pirate: Captain Jack Sparrow he be, eh? YARRRR! He be a pirate?
Indian Clerk: Yes sir. Very much sir. Pirate of the Carribean, sir.
Kid Pirate: Sail the Carribean he did?
Indian Clerk: Yes he did, sir. He got the black pearl, sir.
Kid Pirate: No! He did not!
Indian Clerk: He did. He did. I saw it with my own eyes.
Kid Pirate: YAARRRR! You saw Captain Jack Sparrow get the black pearl, land lover?
Indian Clerk: Yes sir. I did see this sir.
[Kid Pirate lowered his weapon and began to stroke his raggedy beard.]
Kid Pirate: Say, land lover, I be puttin’ a crew together before I head over to BOB to seize their gold and treasures, would ye be interested in bein’ a part of my crew?
Indian Clerk: I don’t know, sir. Do you have a dental plan?
Kid Pirate: YARRRR! I know a guy who knows a guy. YARRR! Very good work he does.
Indian Clerk: Well, who else would be a part of this crew?
Kid Pirate: YARRR! You be lookin’ at the roughest, meanest pirate that ever sailed the eight seas-
Indian Clerk: I thought there was only seven, sir.
Kid Pirate: YARRR! I found some more than didn’t I?
Indian Clerk: Very good, sir.
Kid Pirate: Also a part of me crew is Pretty Boy here. He’s be here for moral support he is. YAAARRRR!
Pretty Boy: Moral support. Rark! Moral support!
Indian Clerk: What a good job he does. Who else will be a part of this crew?
[Kid Pirate looked at the cover of the magazine. Then tossed the magazine to the Indian who let his hands drop to catch the magazine.]
Kid Pirate: YARRRR! I be goin’ to find Captain Jack Sparrow an’ askin’ him if he be wantin’ to join me crew.
[The Indian Clerk grabs a "Map of the Stars" from a stand on the counter and leaps over the counter and begins to head for the door.]
Indian Clerk: I am in, sir. I always wanted to be a pirate. What are we waiting for, sir?
[Kid Pirate pinches his nose.]
Kid Pirate: YARRR! For ye to change yer bloomers.
[The Indian hangs his head in shame and heads for the men's room. Kid Pirate shakes his head in sympathy.]
Kid Pirate: YARRR! We be makin’ a right good pirate out of that eel’s tooth right thare, Pretty Boy.
Pretty Boy: Shite does stink. Shite does stink. RARK!
Kid Pirate: A truer word never been spoken, Pretty Boy.
[And he let out a thoughtful...]
Kid Pirate: YAARRRR!
[This roleplay ends when you see a gay sex scene.]
==3 (_(__=3
{The End.}