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Huff Wrestling

February 1st, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[We open with a shot of a teddy polar bear and a plush cartoon vampire resting against a ring post in someone’s backyard. On the opposite side is Kevin and a cardboard cutout of Trey Vincent. Kevin is reading from an atlas and swatting flies away.]

Kevin: Ok Trey, this instruction manual says we should stick to submission holds that we can turn into pinning situations. Stay away from brawling and high flying moves because you’ll just fold in half.

[Kevin flips to the Mongolian page.]

Kevin: Tag me in if they give you any trouble and I’ll get trusty Mr. Gasoline to help us out.

[Kevin pulls a rag out of his pocket.]

Kevin: We can’t sniff any of this because we need to keep our focus, and I still need some of it for my moped to get to the next BOB show. I know you probably want to get high… but it’ll probably melt you anyway.

[Kevin looks over at the toys with planning eyes.]

Kevin: We need to be serious here, these motherfuckers have the advantage but I wont go down without a fight.

[A pimply faced 14 year old wearing a spray painted referee shirt named Chuck walks into the center of the shodilly built ring.]

Chuck: Are you ready?

[Kevin takes a big whiff on the rag anyway.]

Kevin: Shit… ok, let’s do this thing!

[A bell rings and Kevin stumbles next to the referee who moves the polar bear to the opposing side. Kevin lifts the bear up and tries to bite it, but he falls over under the weight.]

Chuck: 1, 2, …

[The cardboard Trey is blown over by the wind and breaks up the pin. The referee kicks it to the side face down as Kevin pulls himself up. He powerbombs the cuddly toy and goes for the cover.]

Chuck: 1, 2, kickout!

Kevin: What the fuck?

[Kevin walks over to the plush vampire and acts like it pulls him out of the ring to the outside. He lands headfirst on the grass and the referee begins the count.]

Chuck: 1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6…

[Kevin picks himself up and brushes off his knees but jeans over the joint have been torn.]

Kevin: These are my best jeans!!

[Kevin rolls back in and lifts up the cardboard Trey.]

Kevin: Help me Trey!!!

[He throws the cardboard cutout at the vampire, sending them both out of the ring. He then lifts the polar bear up onto the top turnbuckle and climbs up to follow. He falls over backwards, onto the back of his head, and the bear drops down on top of him.]

The Commentator: Through hellfire and keystone! How do you learn to fall off a 5 foot turnbuckle?!

Chuck: 1, 2, 3!

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