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Thee awaits Destiny

January 31st, 2008

The Great

(The Great has assembled his family on their couch like the opening credits of The Simpsons. Everybody is there, even the Mother in Law. They watch Axl’s promo, and during the beginning everything is pretty nonchalant except for The Great’s wife leaving momentarily to plop some waffles into the toaster for Little Johnny and Lori playing with her iPhone and Nick sleeping a bit. Everybody sits there with blank looks on their faces like they’d all been lobotomized until Axl finally gets around to blaming The Great and his family for every meaningful loss in his career. )

“The Great”: This guy has issues.

Nick: HA! He said you had a mustache!

Lori: So? He said you were gay!

Nick: Takes one to know one! Hey, Axl, I’m rubber and you are glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks on you!

Little Johnny: That is so juvenile. Mother, I wanted sugar on my waffles, not syrup.

The Great’s wife: Oh for crying out loud!

Nick: This is so cool! He said my name on television! What till I tell Mark!

“The Great”: The Great has said your name on television, and you’ve been on television. Nobody probably saw it, but nonetheless.

Nick: Yeah, but he’s a stranger!

The Great’s wife: I bet he’s a stranger with candy, picking up boys at recess. How dare he call me a hag!

“The Great”: Yeah.

The Great’s wife: Yeah, what? Aren’t you going to defend me?

“The Great”: Of course. Axl, The Great’s wife does not have a fool head.

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whah WHAH whuh.

“The Great”: No, Axl did not blame you for any of his losses, which is interesting, since he seems to have plenty to choose from. The Great, however, cannot relate. The Great cannot associate. For The Great hasn’t a loss, or a reason to validate.

The Great’s wife: Johnny, what did I tell you about creating cybernetic pirates? Go to your room!

Little Johnny: But Mother, I am innocent! What happened to the judiciary process in this imperialistic country? I have never constructed a cybernetic pirate, I’m too busy watching Weird Science numerous times to get the specific lightning storm jigga-watt influx to build my very own Kelly LeBrock.

“The Great”: Okay, enough of this. Axl, although The Great enjoys your elaborate excuse as to why you lose so often, it is not due to The Great’s family. One loss you WILL be able to attach to the Great is the one you will SUFFER from The Great at Totally Dead. The Great accepts your street fight challenge.

You try and blame The Great’s family for your shortcomings when The Great was still a twinkle in professional wrestling’s eye. The Great wonders who Rose blames for your shortcomings? Heredity, perhaps? The Great heard rumors your father was a Vienna Sausage.

The Great’s wife: Nick, go to your room.

Nick: Aww, mah! For what?

The Great’s wife: Daddy’s talking about private parts and sexual innuendo.

Nick: Awwwww, maaaaaaan!

“The Great”: One thing is for sure, Axl. The Great is going to pound your head until your eye sockets bleed. The Great is going to Twist of Great you until your face, drenched in the black and white paint which has become one of your trademarks, even though it’s not truly a trademark since you look like at least two people The Great has seen before. Yeah, The Great is going to Twist of Great you until your face is as flat as the Kansas plains.

Umm, if you smell what The Great’s wife is cooking—— it’s in the microwave.

The Great will grace you at Totally Dead. Then leave you—-totally dead.

(All of sudden, before the camera can totally fade out, The Great’s left eyebrow involuntarily twitches and curls up.)

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