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Back home.

January 27th, 2008

The Great

(There’s a scene of a blue sky. A plane flies across the sky left to right.

Subtitle: St. Louis. The Great’s home.

A two story house, lavishly bombarded with streamers and balloons and a giant banner that has “WELCOME HOME, CHAMP” on it.

A cab pulls up, The Great gets out and grabs his luggage, looks at the house and sighs heavily. He walks in.)

A group of people as The Great opens the door: SURPRISE! CONGRATULATIONS!

“The Great”: Yeah. Hee. Umm, The Great was not successful. The Great wishes you didn’t decorate.

The Great’s Wife: What?! You didn’t win?

“The Great”: No, The Great did not win. Apparently, The Devil wears Prada, but his wife doesn’t.

The Great’s Wife: WHAT?! You tried to bribe the boss with MY shoes?! I’m getting more!

“The Great”: The Great assumed you would.

Nick: Dad, you got flocked over!


(She begins smacking him on the head.)

Nick: AWW! What’d I do, Mah, what’d I do?!

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whuh whah whah WHAH!

“The Great”: The Great couldn’t have said it better. The Great indeed got screwed without the common courtesy of a reach around.

Lori: EWWW!

Little Johnny: Father, I will find Death, and disintegrate his bones to ash with a new cosmic deatomizer vise gripped glove application I’ve been working on.

“The Great”: No, son. That is not necessary. And don’t you have a poster to color for Kindergarten this weekend? You better start on that.

Little Johnny: Curses!

The Great’s wife: Why don’t you want Johnny to disintegrate Death? Didn’t he cheat you?

“The Great”: No, Death fought valiantly. Death even threw The Great for a loop and learned more than three moves. Death was on his game. Death was not the reason The Great didn’t win the title. But, the good news is, The Great is still undefeated.

The Great’s wife: Oh, for crying out loud! We can’t go to Hawaii on undefeated! What did WWE say?

“The Great”: They laughed at The Great. And on the way out of the building, Matt Stryker called The Great a jobber. MATT STRYKER! It was the most embarrassing moment in The Great’s life, except for that one time Lori walked downstairs saw us doing it in front of the fireplace when she was six.

Lori: Umm, NASTY! I’m going to my room!

The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHUH whah whah whuh—–whahwhuhwhah.

“The Great”: If it wasn’t Death’s fault, then whose was it? Very good question. The answer is simple. Axl.

The Great’s wife: Who is Axl?

“The Great”: Also a simple question. And the answer is— a man getting ready to spend what little time he has left on earth in excruciating pain. Axl, what you did, The Great will not tolerate. Your actions— infuriate The Great. The Great will RETALIATE.

And you, The Great will—- exterminate!

(From upstairs)

Lori: MOM! Little Johnny’s in my room talking about mass genocide and nuclear warheads!

The Great’s wife: JOHNNY! Get out of your sister’s room!

Lori: What about the bombs?

The Great’s wife: Oh, for crying out loud! You don’t care about that stuff, you just want him out of your room, right?

Lori: Well, DUH!

The Great’s wife: Get out of there, Johnny!

“The Great”: Please stop the shouting. You’re giving The Great—a headache.

The Great’s wife: Well, all I know is you better pay this Axl character back with an ass whooping of unprecedented proportions. He cost me another trip to Hawaii, he cost me some “I’m the wife of the champ” shopping sprees, and he cost me some celebratory sex!

“The Great”: That’s true. If victorious, The Great had planned on having sex, even with you, and covering your body with so much DNA they could have filmed three episodes of CSI: Miami with it.

The Great’s wife: I hate Axl!

(She stomps away.)

“The Great”: You are not alone in that sentiment. Brawlers on a Budget, The Great wants Axl. Set the date. Totally Dead would be a good place to start, because that will be Axl’s fate, TOTALLY DEAD.

Courtesy of The Great.

(He rips off his shirt!)

“The Great”: Axl, The Great wants you at Totally Dead. Accept. And when you do, then The Great will make plans to annihilate! Let The Great demonstrate.

(The Great walks over to a large cake that has “New OWCTM- The Great” on it, and smashes it to smithereens.)

“The Great”: Axl, that was you.

The Great’s wife: (from another room) WHAT WAS THAT?

“The Great”: Um, the cake fell off the table.

The Great’s wife: Well clean it up for crying out loud!

The Mother in Law: (pointing at The Great) WHAH WHAH! (she walks off)

“The Great”: Axl, you will rue the day you messed with The Great. You tried to get The Great to join your Hierarchy, but The Great said no. The Great is not second rate. The Great cost you the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS at November in Nowhere. And now, you do the same to The Great. The difference is, The Great deserved the title and you didn’t. Now it’s personal.

The Great will grace you soon. Oh yes, very soon.


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