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Rent A Rant

January 18th, 2008

The Great

(The Great is reading the message board watching Brawlers on a Budget’s Rant Zone and further continuing his training regimen of lift, take steroids, lift, repeat. His 14 year-old daughter Lori walks into view carrying some mail as her father goes back to doing push-ups and mumbling to himself.)

“The Great”: Do his promos? Writer? My writer? What is that guy talking about? Dr Plants is going to lead people to believe that professional wrestling is predetermined and all of our interviews and promotionals are scripted by a group of writers.

Lori: Dad, your promo script for today came in.

“The Great”: YES! It’s about time! The Great’s been waiting for that all week!

(He frantically rips into the envelope.)

Lori: “Rent a Rant”? How stupid! Does Mom know you’re buying these things?

“The Great”: No! And don’t tell her, either. Or— The Great will ground you from your iPhone.

Lori: That’s not fair!

“The Great”: Maybe The Great will private message Dr Plants and tell him about the Rent a Rant.

Lori: Why? All he has to do is read this in the replies.

“The Great”: Shhhh! Ixnay on the replishizzle.

Lori: Dad, you’re a retard!

“The Great”: AHEM! The Great—is NOT—-an invertebrate.

Lori: Not having a spine has nothing to do with being stupid. If you’re looking to rhyme, how about primate?

“The Great”: Isn’t that monkeys?

Lori: Yeah, Dad. It’s monkeys.

“The Great”: Monkeys aren’t dumb. Monkeys are really smart. Like that monkey on B.J. and The Bear, The Great heard that monkey could drive the truck and change tires even.

Lori: What’s B.J. and The Bear?
“The Great”: And Michael Jackson’s monkey? The Great knows from a very reliable source that monkey could keep secrets and spike cans of Coke, and count hush money and everything.

Lori: That’s gross!

“The Great”: He was still a smart monkey.

Lori: I’m waiting for you to say something about spanking that monkey.

“The Great”: What! What do you know about that? A girl your age shouldn’t be talking like that. Hey!

(The Great notices another envelope in Lori’s hand)

“The Great”: What’s that?

Lori: Oh yeah, it’s another fan letter for you.

“The Great:” See! I told you The Great is going to be a bigger star than anybody the Brawlers on a Budget has ever seen. Give the letter to The Great.

(She does and he opens it. He begins reading aloud.)

“The Great”:
“Hi, The Great. You are my favorite wrestler. I really hope you defeat Death at New Horizon and become THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.

That way, with all the money you receive from that victory, our family will reap the rewards of championship glory, endorsement deals, and take another trip to Hawaii.

P.S. Mom says “Whuh Whuh Whah”
Love you!”

(He crumples the note and tosses it on the floor)

“The Great”: Son of a bitch!

Lori: Mom, huh?

“The Great”: What was your first clue? Those guys at Rent a Rant really know how to piss in The Great’s Corn Flakes.

Lori: Shouldn’t that be Frosted Flakes?

“The Great”: The Great is not under contract with them yet, so The Great could say Turd Frosted Crummy Mini Wheats if The Great wanted to.

Lori: T.M.I., Dad! T.M.I.! Oh, before I forget, why do they call it Rent a Rant? Didn’t you buy it?

“The Great”: No, The Great only rented for the time it takes to type it, then the rant is off to the next guy that pays for it.

Lori: Why would anybody else pay? All they have to do now is copy and paste.

“The Great”: Well— The Great’ll be a monkey’s uncle! Why didn’t The Great think of doing that?

Lori: Maybe you’re not a monkey’s uncle after all, but possibly a nephew’s monkey!

“The Great”: Okay, that’s it! You’re grounded!

Lori: I’m telling Mom you wasted money on Rent a Rant!

“The Great”: Okay, you’re UN-grounded! Now leave The Great alone. The Great has a championship to win. The Great has a world to shook up.

Lori: Shake. It’s SHAKE, Dad.

“The Great”: The Great can’t say The Great shake up the world.

Lori: You’re so stupid! Oh—my—-gawd! I can’t believe you’re my Dad!

(She hastily leaves.)

“The Great”: The Great knows you didn’t really mean that! The Great is going to be a wrestling star! Then you’ll be sorry!

(The Great thinks about what he just said.)

“The Great”: Then you’ll be sorry? That doesn’t make sense. Rent a Rant sucks!

(He thinks for another moment.)

“The Great”: Nick! Come down here! The Great needs your help for a minute!

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