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Stillness

January 8th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[Kevin The Pyromaniac looks into the mirror as blood pours from his nose.]

Kevin: Ha! At least I beat him.

[Behind Kevin is a teddy bear lying on the floor. The bear has a little of Kevin’s blood on it’s hand. Kevin clenches his teeth together.]

Kevin: I guess now that I’m a champion I wont lose to inanimate objects anymore.

[Kevin turns to leave the bathroom when a pair of scissors fly at him. He dodges the attack and runs through the door.]

Kevin: What the hell was that?

[A lightbulb unscrews itself and falls as Kevin walks beneath it. He manages to sidestep it quickly as it shatters on the carpet. Kevin runs down the stairs but the handrail comes loose piece by piece behind him like that giant stone ball from Indiana Jones.]

Kevin: NOOO!!!

[Kevin dives belly first to the foot of the stairs. The banister flies over him and hits the wall. The telephone unplugs itself and begins hitting Kevin over the head with the receiver.]

Kevin: What’s going on?!

[Kevin manages to pull himself up and get through the door, but that also comes unhinged and rams it’s edge into Kevin’s back.]

Kevin: Ouch!

[Then a baseball flies at his head.]

Kevin: How can I stop this?

Referee: Pin something, it’ll show you’re not a jobber.

[Kevin pounces on a rug but it kicks out at 2.]

Kevin: They’re too strong!

[The referee tosses his whistle and it starts pecking Kevin in the face.]

Kevin: You aren’t helping!

[By now Kevin is covered in deep wounds and bleeding profusely. A shirt wraps his sleeves around Kevin’s body and crushes his head through the TV set like a battering ram.]

[This jolts Kevin awake, safely in his bed.]

Kevin: So it was all a dream.

Referee: 1,2,3! Blanket wins.

Kevin: Fuck.

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