Oh, Great…
[Cut to a hotel in San Diego, California. A guy badly in need of a haircut is wearing headphones and rocking out to Slipknot's "Duality" and typing away on a laptop...wait. Wrong scene...Fade to black.]
[Fade in on New Hampshire. Death is holding a "Vote For Ron Paul - Or DIE" campaign sign with one bony hand and sipping from a coffee mug with his other hand. Alex Smith is bullhorning beside him about the usual, no doubt as the sound fades up.]
Death: You know something, Alex? Somebody from BOB is here with a camera. Granted, it’s a cell phone camera…
AS: It’s about time! It’s the Ron Paul revolution! And it begins right here in the Live Free or Die state!
Death: Right, right. I plan to make that come true. But I’ve got a bigger problem than this little podunk primary.
AS: Podunk?
[Alex holds up an "Expose the 9/11 Coverup" sign. Much like the kind that managed to get on the air during a crowd shot during ABC's presidential debate Saturday night. Odd coincidence? Or not...]
Death: Alex, you need to be my fodder for this promo. That’s the only reason I agreed to hold this sign for you.
AS: Hold on…Aren’t you supposed to be my mortal enemy?
Death: Yeah, right. Like you’ll ever get to the main event scene. You’re just a bit player here.
AS: Hey, man, I still have feelings.
Death: No you don’t.
AS: Fine. What’s the problem?
Death: The Great has delivered two promos. I feel a tad burned out. Katie’s dragged me to her in-laws. And now she’s dragging me to a zombie conference in Raccoon City. I’m wiped out, Alex. All this AND I have to keep killing people. How am I supposed to retain this title against The Great as well?
AS: Did you know Mike Huckabee is a CFR stooge?
Death: Uh…yeah. What’s that have to do with me?
AS: And so is Edwards.
Death: *Sigh* One world government, yadda yadda yadda. What about the conspiracy against me? I’m burnt out, Alex! I need a vacation.
AS: I hear San Diego is nice this time of year. Not including yesterday, when it rained all day. I bet anybody who went to the zoo got mighty wet.
Death: Well, hopefully that person didn’t get crapped on by a bird.
AS: Yeah, with a promo like this, you’re screwed, Death. It’s going to take a conspiracy of New World Order proportions to keep that title around your…pelvis?
Death: But I have experience! I kill everybody.
AS: The people want change!
Death: Am I the status quo? Am I Hillary?
AS: You guys are all on the same team. Just like in BOB, Axl’s Hierarchy crew is demanding change, the people out here are demanding change from the status quo of elite bootlicking scum!
Death: The Great’s not in the Hierarchy.
AS: Or is he?
Death: OK. Well…I need to score some more NyQuil. The Great? Just remember this…I don’t really think you have a shot at winning our contest. Because you’re going into a fight with the establishment. And the establishment always wins. How else can you explain McCain leading in this state?
AS: Aside from stupidity? McCain is a liar! Guiliani is a liar! Romney is a liar! In Paul we trust!
Death: *Ahem* Hell, even on my WORST day, I’m the Death there is, the Death there was, and the Death there ever will be. SMP couldn’t beat me. That wigger guy I beat couldn’t beat me. And…I’m pretty sure you can’t beat me. No matter how funny your promos are.
AS: Uh, Death? Funny matters here in BOB.
Death: I better visit the ATM before New Horizon. I’ve got a BigBOSS to bribe…
[Fade.]