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January 5th, 2008

The Great

(After a brief scan of the inside of a gym, The Great is seen doing pull-downs and sweating profusely. Beside him on the floor is a bottled water and some “supplements”. The Great looks more muscular than he did at Mega Brawl as it appears he’s really been working out in preparation for his match with Death at New Horizon. The Great is really working out hard. You might say he’s working out and then enhancing his workout while he works out. But he’ll deny it just like Barry Bonds and Roger Clemmons do. Suddenly and without much warning, a bald headed and heavily tattooed man approaches The Great and interrupts his routine.)

Unknown guy: Hey man! Aren’t you the wrestler that calls himself The Great?

(The Great wipes some sweat off his forehead after stopping his exercise.)

“The Great”: Yes. How do you know The Great?

(The Great pauses and reconsiders his last, seemingly ridiculous statement.)

What’s The Great saying? Everybody should know The Great. But you don’t look like the typical “rasslin fan”, so how do you recognize The Great?

Guy: I was in prison.

“The Great”: How would an incarcerate know The Great? You’re an inmate?

Guy: We prefer “ex-con”. And no, I’m not an inmate. I just got out and needed to hit the weights. You know, that’s really all we do in the hole is lift, whack off, and maybe kill a guy now and then.

“The Great”: As Lori would say, that’s T.M.I.

Guy: Who’s Lori?

“The Great”: She’s The Great’s daughter.

Guy: Is she hot?

“The Great”: She’s 14, unknown guy.

Guy: But is she hot?

“The Great”: The Great would venture to think the boys in her school would refer to her as a tasty little plate.

Guy: You mean dish?

“The Great”: No.

(There’s a moment of silent confusion between the two.)

“The Great”: So anyway, you still didn’t tell The Great how you recognize The Great.

Guy: In the joint, man. As part of our punishment, the warden makes us watch Brawlers on a Budget. It’s torture! Especially when that gay rocker guy is on there. That dude wouldn’t last two seconds in my hole.

“The Great”: The Great assumes by “hole” you meant slang term for prison, otherwise The Great would be forced to laugh at loud at that last sentence.

Guy: Yeah! I meant prison, man! What I was saying was, every time any of those fags came on the set, all the dudes in the joint would start whistling and banging on shit and hollering.

“The Great”: You know, there are some women in the Brawlers on a Budget.

Guy: Yeah, you’re right. But most of them look like dudes, at least the ones that aren’t edited out by the warden, and the rocker guy looks like a chick. So there you go.

“The Great”: That seems reasonable enough. It’s been nice conversing with you, but as you can see, The Great is busy training for a very important match. So if you don’t mind, The Great would like to be left alone.

Guy: Yeah! I saw that! The ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS match. Hey man, you’re probably not going to win. So what’s up with all the training?

“The Great”: The Great thought The Great asked you to leave The Great alone.

Guy: I’m just telling you, you’re wasting your time. What is this, like, your second match or something?

“The Great”: You know, for a non-descript sub character so lowly you don’t even get a name, you’re very inquisitive and knowledgeable about The Great and The Great’s career. Besides, why can’t The Great win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in only The Great’s second match?

Guy: I was in the slammer for a long time, dude, and I’ve watched a lot of wrestling, almost everyday for the last 8 ½ years up until yesterday when somebody forgot to check the outgoing mailbags. But as I was saying, nobody wins the world title their second match.

“The Great”: Just because it’s never happened, doesn’t mean it couldn’t happen. Remember Rome? It was going to be built in a day and people laughed. Ah, you’ll never do it in a day, they said. But other people said that it could be built in a day and look what happened.

Guy: Um, Rome wasn’t built in a day.

“The Great”: Okay then. Man walked on the moon when that was deemed improbable.

Guy: There’s a conspiracy about that. Some people think man DIDN’T walk on the moon.

“The Great”: What?! Are you telling The Great that Neil Armstrong is a liar?

Guy: Well, why haven’t we went back there with all the technology and better video equipment we have now? The other video is so grainy, you can’t even tell what’s going on. They shot that shit in Nevada, I say! It’s a government cover-up. We can make cell phones and internet and flat screens but CAN’T make another trip to the moon?

“The Great”: Alright, you’ve almost convinced The Great that man didn’t walk on the moon. Maybe those were bad examples. Okay, how about this? People said The Titantic wouldn’t sink.

Guy: But it did sink.

“The Great”: You see? So the impossible is possible. An unsinkable ship sinks. A match that seems impossible to win is won. The Great becomes THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS in The Great’s second match.

Guy: Whatever, bro. I’ve been watching Death for a long time. You can’t beat Death. Plants couldn’t even do it and he’s been wrestling a lot longer than you.

“The Great”: Dr. Plants is too old to get the job done. And maybe senility has set in. He went about it the wrong way. He tried to use sticks and stones to break Death’s bones. The Great has a more modernized approach, and you, being a recent correctional system grad—u—-ate— can help The Great.

Guy: What the hell is a grad-u-ATE? Are you trying to make that sound like great?

“The Great”: The Great did. Anyway, The Great needs a shank.

Guy: You’re wrestling a skeleton, presumed to not have internal organs. A shank is not going to help you.

“The Great”: Don’t you guys know how to make dart guns out of sharpened toothbrushes and underwear band elastic? The Great is certain that Death is not a real skeleton and one tiny jab with a sharp object could be the determining factor.

Guy: WHAT?! You mean Death is not REALLY a skeleton?! (he sarcastically runs around in circles and rubs his bald head) You’ve got to be kidding me!

“The Great”: Okay, you’re making The Great nervous. Go away and leave The Great alone. The Great will continue to down illegal, performance enhancing drugs and pump iron like a fiend until The Great is so massive The Great could break Death’s bones with The Great’s bare hands.

(The Great now turns towards the camera, convinced that unknown guy has ran out of lines.)

“The Great”: That’s correct, Death. You see these biceps? They’re great. These thighs? They’re great. The Great is in great shape. The Great’s liver? Probably not as much. But The Great is willing to sacrifice. The Great is willing to endure pain for gain. The Great is ready, shot out of a cannon to wrestling superstardom.

The Great—- IS great.
Don’t hate.
And soon?
You will congratulate.

Oh yes, soon The Great will— CEL-E-BRATE!

The Great will grace you in a couple weeks at New Horizon.

(The Great flexes and grunts and mugs for the camera. After some more posing, he hand motions across his waist like dudes do when they gesture a title being there. After that and some other random acts of poses and grunts, this thing is over.)

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