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Friday is the best

January 5th, 2008

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[We open to a shot of Kevin slouched on a leather couch watch a Slipknot music video. The musical artists are singing about how people talk strangely or something and how that’s something worth killing yourself over. Regardless of these suggestions Kevin is sipping on gin and pepsi and playing with matches. He sees a rat crawl out from a hole into the middle of the carpet.]

Rat: Hello my fine drunken teenage fellow.

Kevin: Funny, this drink doesn’t look green.

[The rat scratches it’s black head with a gaping jaw.]

Rat: I was wondering if you could help me fine young fellow.

Kevin: I don’t have to do shit, I’m a jobber. Why do you think I’m getting drunk and pretending I’m talking to a rat?

Rat: But you just won the BOB titles, you’re not a jobber anymore.

Kevin: With a guy named booger… it might seem topical or tropical or something but I’m still a proud jobber thick and thin!

Rat: You are fucked.

[The rat scurries over to a belt and clenches it in his claws with a red face.]

Kevin: Don’t make a stink man!

[The camera pans along the rats glistening fur until it reaches it’s angry eyes.]

Rat: I oughta hit you from every angle!

[Kevin rubs his faint moustache before pulling a knife out of his baggy jean pocket.]

Kevin: And I should slice you in half and break your knees. I might be stupid and drunk but I’m a lot quicker than you or anybody else for that matter!

[There is a mexican standoff-esque moment for a while as the camera spins around and stares at a painting of a crocodile with it’s jaws wide open. Kevin reverses his stance with a smile.]

Kevin: Classic bear trap situation, you aren’t going to hit me with that belt you fucking alien.

[Kevin rubs his tummy in discomfort from all the alcohol he’s been drinking and the bug covered meat he’s been eating.]

Kevin: You fucking grandpa.

[Things get confusing as purple swirls form over Kevin’s eyes. His jaw is prised apart by some unseen force. The rat disappears as if it were some strange entity that didn’t really bring anything to the table. Kevin crosses his legs and rubs his Korn t-shirt.]

Kevin: Oh wow, Death Proof is on.

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