Book of Axl – Chapter 1
“And yay he walked upon a New Horizon… He sought a cup of gold.”
“Yet gold was taken from him, with not a sip to taste.”
“He forged onward… into the Valley of Death…”
“… With eyes set upon only vengeance.”
“A carnival of hollowed eyes.”
“A canopy of delieverance.”
“A sheltered documentary of abysmal radiance.”
“Mo-squi-to.”
[Camera opens in a flash to the eyes of our Holy Father... Axl. His eyes, red... veins... shot, as the roots of a mighty oak.]
[His is not to have had sleep, but to Believe that with boundless time spent upon the task at hand...]
[... there would come a new dawn.]
[Our Savior stares point blank into the camera's shining lens...]
“Sunday Morning Chloroform.”
“33.”
“In one day’s time, an impact occured which shake-ethed the entire world of this sport… this sport of king’s… To its very foundation.”
“Not that it had that much going for it… Hell, by then, a decent match occuring on live television shocked the holy living be-jeezus out of people, but that’s beside the point…”
“But to it’s foundation it shake-ethed anyway. And who shook-ethed thou cloven trou? Who, with one swing of thy be-jinkered guitar, and with a whip-snap crash did he usher in the beginninings of a new day?”
“Axl.”
“Me.”
“Axl.”
“…”
“AXL.”
“I DID. I, and I alone, made the most impact upon his debut in the entire illustriously illustrious historical history of time and span of what which is known thine as BoB.”
“Everyone and anyone that has began their trek before OR after my monumentolous introductification has PALED IN COMPARISON… to my splendor.”
“My gloriousinitalness.”
“My…”
“GREAT…ness.”
“…”
“And yet.”
“And yet, ever since the very BEGINNING, the VERY beginning, THE very beginning… There has been one man.”
“One unholy, unrighteouss, unclean, unkempt, unWORTHY individual…”
“That has known within his heart of hearts…”
“That if-in-eth one man, should become-eth an immortal… And if-in-eth he would to walk-eth through the Gates of Light… and IF-IN-ETH he and he alone extend-eth his palm and felteded upon the rich texture of the Cup of The Most Powerful Gold on High… AND IF-IN-ETH… and this is a BIG if-in-eth… The cup were to accept him as the one and only TRUE master…”
“Then there would be no choice for that man… that wretched waste of human flesh… Not the guy with the ‘if-in-eths’ and whatnot, but the other guy… but to bow out… and hand his throne to he that deserve-eth it.”
“There is one man that has placed obstacle… after obstacle… after OBSTACLE in mine path.”
“My first match. SMC 34. I lost. And any man, and any woman, and any child, and any inanimate object with even HALF a brain… except for perhaps the inanimate object… would KNOW that a GOD does NOT lose his first match.”
“He does the opposite.”
“Which is… WIN it.”
“But DID I win? No. … And you would have known that, had you’d been paying attention. Dumbass.”
“And it continued.”
“Swiss Army Title. Living in Sin. Your Savior faced a man by the name of Mr. Paradox. And was SCREWED. Indeed, I walked away with the title. And at first glance you COULD say that, twas Paradox who twas screwed.”
“But you’d be wrong.”
“For you see, that event should have been my night. It should have been my night to prove to the fans… the world… myself… to prove that I was no ordinary, run-of-the-mill wrestling “superstar”. I was a SuperNOVA. I should have had the chance to prove that I could defeat that snivling toad with both hands, both feet, and an ear tied behind my back. But did I receive that chance?”
“No.”
“Instead, the fans were left with the impression that some… PIRATE… named Xamfar… Xamfor? Regardless of his name, he was displayed there-ah-lee upon-eth these wretched morsels of filth and decadence which that call-eth themselves FANS… He was perceived by THEM to be the deciding factor in my obtaining the Swiss Army Title.”
“It shouldn’t have been… but there it was. As plain as day, as clear as crystal, as… smooth… as silk. Fuck, that doesn’t work… you get the picture. It happened. And once ah-gayn, it continued…”
“ComeBack’s a Bitch… two matches, one night. I not only had to participate in the first ever “The Faster and More Furious, The Better” competition, but it twas I, with just cause, saddled with a Swiss Army Title defense. And when I say WITH just cause, I mean the only reason I was given when I searched for an answer to such idiotic booking, was – ‘Just cause.’ Bumble-headed FOOLS!”
“Yes, the ‘TFMFB’ competition… with a shot at the OWTTM on the line. And even THOUGH-ALY I had a shot at the OWTTM already, I DESERVED two. Everyone needs a warm-up. Even Gods.”
“But some punk kid named Corvon the Arachnophobiac or Steven the Nymphomaniac or some gobbledy-gookish garbage such as that stripped it away from me.”
“And then?”
“AND THEN?!”
“In the cruelest twist of fate, a hand of cards dealt down upon-eth me in rave resucitation, I had the Swiss Army Belt STOLEN away from me…”
“By Death.”
[The camera zooms out just a scoch, now finding the entirety of Axl's face... drenched in the black and white paint which has become one of his trademarks.]
“Death… you believe, in that thick skull of yours, that you can evade me for ever?”
“You began something that night. Something that will forever fester upon me as a scar about mine flesh…”
“You STOLE my Swiss Army Title… and then, after I won the OWTTM at Mano e Zeno… just when I thought my destiny… the PROPHECY had been fulfilled? You swept it all away from beneath my feet…”
[... Uhm, actually Axl, it was XXTreme Machine that pinned you for the OWTTM...]
“THAT NEVER HAPPENED!”
[But it's in the record books...]
“Lalalalalalalalalalalala -”
[Ugh... I can't believe I suck up to this guy so damn much for so little pay...]
“So yes Death, you’ve ripped my dreams apart time and again. But yet you… you are not the One.”
“For it continued.”
“At Massively Cool, I was in a tag match. And I was stuck with the Loseriest Boobie Loser in the Game that’s a Loser and Loses Alot Cuz He’s a Loserly Loser, Silliputti M. Putz. And on the opposite side of the ring? Nurse Heiney… and Death. But it wasn’t Death who screwed me over this time, oh-ho-HO no… Not even Nurse Heineken. Twas the pontificatingly hazardonious SMB that which had done-eth me the dirty deed.”
“He was in on it. Mr. Paradox? He too was in on it. As was his fellow sinners in Dimension E D C G P V T hamburger . Henry the Polkamaniac? In on it. And of course Big Deathy DROOL was in on it…”
“But were any of them the TRUE enemy?”
“No.”
[The camera begins to zoom out ever so slowly, as Axl continues speaking...]
“People of this forsaken world of deflangulicousness… There is but one TRUE enemy.”
“One man that has caused me suffering for over one whole YEAR.”
“Today… I stand before you a bloodied… broken man.”
“But NOT a beaten man.”
“And I stand here… upon rich sand… palm trees in the distance… ocean as far as thy eye can see…”
“For I stand here… broken… bloody… but I stand here as a man with the one thing that HE does not have.”
“Something he wants.”
“Something I have.”
[The camera continues to zoom out. Until...]
“… A reservation at a Hawaiian hotel, BITCH!”
[The camera now fully gathers the view... the sand is littered with trash. The ocean... awash with pollution. The trees... dead.]
[And the hotel... well, really, it's a motel. In fact, it's perhaps THE most crappiest, run-down, hell hole of an establishment on the entire island. But nevertheless... it IS Hawaii. ... Sorta.]
[Axl, bedecked in flapping, black trenchcoat and customary poser kit, is looking solemnly into the camera... almost through it... His hair partly covers his right eye, which is the style for all good little goth posers.]
“Yes, THE GREAT… I’m right here, smack dab in the middle of the very same place your hag of a wife is bitching her fool head off about. She’s missing this… the splendor… the luxury. And who could blame her, I mean, this place is totally GORGEOUS, babe. [looks around him] … Well, ok, so it’s not entirely THE hottest spot on the isle, but hey, it’s better than anything YOU could afford! And while Jim, Joe, Prophet, Pigeon, Pete, Steve, raYne, Tony, Viruz, and my lovely Rose all enjoy this resort, soaking it up until Totally Dead rolls around, you’ll be back at home… sitting on your ass. Tapping away at a PS2 controller, and hoping upon hopes that you learn SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will save your soul from the unbridled fury of a hundred hounds of hell. Or atleast a poodle or two. A schnauzer, maybe. A schnauzer from hell. …”
“But Great… I want you to know. I want you to know… you can’t keep a secret from me. And you can’t hide the TRUTH from the world forever.”
“It’s time it all came out. Because Great… I do know the Truth. And the Truth is, …”
“YOU were behind it.”
“2007… the year that should have been mine… that should have belonged to ME. It was ruined… and it was ruined by one man and one man alone.”
“YOU.”
“Don’t you dare even think for a second you can slip the Truth behind these blood-shot eyes. Because Great, it all makes sense. The puzzle just fits together like pieces to a jig-saw… uh… puzzle.”
“You tried to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes. You tried to skew everyone’s vision. But mine? My vision is 20/20. And I saw it from day one.”
“From day one, SOMEONE was wrangling together each and every one of the obstacles… the hazards that stood in the center of the road of my journey to the destination of my GLORY.”
“The Drunken Irish Fags.”
“They never Truly existed. In reality, they were Lori and Nick in disguise. Lori didn’t mind playing a gay guy. Nick… surprisingly didn’t either.”
“So when they eliminated me from the Swiss Army #1 Seed Battle Royale on SMC34? Truth is, I didn’t REALLY lose my first match.”
“Lori just scared the holy living fuck out of me with her femstache, so I had no choice but to eliminate myself. Simple as.”
“Xamfar.”
“Pretty simple. Little Johnny, brilliant mastermind that he is, built a cybernetic pirate, taped a stuffed parrot on his shoulder, and programmed bits of Xamfyr’s mind into the robot’s A.I. using old BoB Betamax Discs. He then sent this pirate, robot, Xamfer hybrid out to SCREW ME LIKE A DOG! A WHIMPERING, COWERING DOG, WITH A TUBE-SOCK FOR A TAIL! Damn Johnny… The little bastard.”
“You replaced Bruce the Kleptomaniac with one of those Mexican midgets from Smackdown’s ‘Juniors’ Division. You know, that way he wouldn’t job. You ORCHESTRATED the swerve by Sillicone M. Potent, to have him leave me in the middle of my tag match against Nurse Hymen and Death. Because let’s face it. Without you bribing him with like, a week’s supply of mayonnaise, there’s honestly no chance in HELL he’d leave a mega-star, such as myself, high and dry. And I’m talkin’ the real GOOD mayonnaise. High dollar stuff.”
“Because, Great? He knows better… and so do you.”
“But the one person who doesn’t know better? Death. And I know… I just KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that he’s been your inside man all along. The man that, while you “supposedly” weren’t a part of this company, he was putting the pawns in place… shifting the gears into motion… turning the key, starting the ignition, revving up the motor… and other phrases synonymous with ‘kicking things off’.”
“And when you first appeared on that building? The Rooftop Rumble, November in Nowhere?”
“You two had been planning it for MONTHS.”
“Picking your spot… and when you had me aligned right where you wanted me?”
“POW!”
“Trigger pulled. Statement… made. And buddy boy… you made your statement.”
“You told me, withought speaking a word, that you thought, somewhere in that orangutan-brained head of yours, that somehow you were better than me. And that if you could get an Original like Death on your side, then maybe, just maybe, you might just stand a chance of taking that strap.”
“You’d take me out of contention.”
“You’d save Death from the human onslaught that IS Axl.”
“You’d get your measly little title shot.”
“But then… you’d face the inevitable.”
“You’d screw it to holy living hell, no matter if I interfered or not.”
“And in the end, the only man that’d come out on top?”
“… Would be Death.”
“But Great… I knew better.”
“While you and Death spent over 12 months plotting and planning and conniving, it only took me one month to put MY plan into motion.”
“For you see, dear sweet Great, I have done something… which you could never anticipate.”
“Something that shall seal your fate. Something that, once you’ve realized it’s True scope, you shall hate.”
“Something in which you have already taken the bait. And babe… it’s just too… damn… late.”
“Right out of the gate, you’ve already been served your plate, and all that’s left to do is wait.”
“Already set in stone IS the date… but in addition to the match, something else I shall integrate.”
“Something… eeeviiil.”
“Great… why do you honestly believe I took on the role of referee in your match?”
“Do you think I HONESTLY wanted to screw you?”
“HA! Don’t make me laugh. Great, I couldn’t care LESS whether you are, or aren’t the champion.”
“For that matter, I couldn’t care less if Death, SMP, or hell, Billy f’n Pollar held the belt.”
“Because, jack? No matter who holds the title, if I wanted to, I could take it. It’s only a matter of when, not a question of who. Or even how, where, why, or what.”
“The sole reason I did what I did at New Horizon is thus;
I want to fight you.
I not only want to fight you, but I want to BEAT you.
Into the ground.
Around the ring.
Into the rafters.
Up and down the aisles.
Backstage.
In the streets.
To Hawaii…
To Nowhere…
To Kalamazoo, and all the way back to Sin City.”
“Great… as Me as my witness, at Totally Dead, I SHALL finally… FINALLY… have my vengeance.”
“And I want it in a no-holds-barred, anywhere-falls, no-disqualifications, Sin City STREETFIGHT.”
“For one year… One whole year. I’ve allowed you to get away with practically murder. I’ve allowed for you to creep along, just so you could ‘make your mark’.”
“But Great… you chose the wrong man to use as an example.”
“I am… no man’s example.”
“I Am… the TRUE Future of ‘Brawlers’, no matter how hard you practice on ‘Know Your Role’ and ‘Shut Your Mouth’.”
“And I AM…”
“… The only thing Truly ‘Great’ left in this industry.”
“And don’t you forget it.”
~ Follow me… There’s not that much else to do around here. ~
Axl rant Axl, Billy Polar, Death, Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, e-fed, e-wrestling, parody, The Great, wrestling, XXXtreme Machine
