On the road and shopping—
(“The Great” and his family are headed to Union Station by way of the ‘tricked out’ Escalade. Christmas shopping tops the list of things to do, even though “The Great” would rather talk about himself in third person and do a little boasting. Okay, a lot of boasting. His 14 year-old daughter, Lori, blonde and ambitious, is in the third row of seats next to the Mother in Law. Nick and Little Johnny occupy the middle row, Nick is busy pressing away at buttons on some hand held video game and Little Johnny watches a Hitler biography on an overhead, flip-down flat screen. “The Great” is behind the wheel and The Great’s Wife has shotgun. And probably a pistol since they’re going downtown to shop—)
“The Great”: Now remember, stay close and don’t anybody mention The Great’s name out loud. The Great is damn near famous. The Great doesn’t want to cause a riot at Union Station.
The Great’s Wife: Oh please. You’ve won one match in a wrestling promotion nobody has ever heard of. Nobody is going to recognize you. Although I hope you keep winning, I enjoyed your present the other night.
“The Great”: The Great had a huge victory. The Great wanted to celebrate and The Great thought that would be a good way to commemorate.
The Great’s Wife: It was really good. Actually, it was great. Hee! I did wonder why you smelled like ralph, though.
“The Great”: The Great hopes you mean ralph as in vomit and not Ralph as in neighbor.
The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHAH whuh whuh.
“The Great”: No, The Great did not call your daughter a slut. The Great did not even insinuate. It just so happens that The Great whipped a man The Great called Dougie so severely at the MegaBrawl that the guy puked all over everybody in the ring. The Great got the win, and so The Great came home and knocked off a little sumthin sumthin to remember The Great’s first triumph in the Brawler’s on a Budget.
Lori: Double ewwww! Parent sex, I so didn’t need to hear that!
The Great’s Wife: Well, I think we may have had an accident.
“The Great”: WHAT? It was your time to ovulate?
The Great’s Wife: It was.
“The Great”: Are you late?
The Great’s Wife: A couple of days.
“The Great”: Get a pregnancy test and don’t hesitate! Get an instant results one so we don’t have to wait! My god, the last thing The Great needs is to procreate!
Nick: Hey Dad, haven’t you done this one before? I mean, it was like different and stuff but you used the same words.
Little Johnny: QUIET! I can’t hear my DVD!
The Mother In Law: Whah whah whah whuh whuh.
“The Great”: Did The Great get paid? Um, well The Great kind of did. The Great was rewarded with a World Title Match.
The Mother in Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh.
“The Great”: You want The Great to earn extra money giving plasma to the blood bank? The Great won’t do it. The Great will not donate. The mere thought of needles makes The Great start to shake.
Lori: That doesn’t even rhyme.
“The Great”: The Great thinks it’s close enough.
Lori: It doesn’t even end with the same letters!
“The Great”: So?
Nick: How’d you get a title match, Dad?
“The Great”: It was easy, all The Great had to do was talk to Trey Vincent, who is in charge of everything, then beat up a couple of losers that had been fired. That reminds The Great, you owe The Great five bucks because the Roddy Piper strikes worked like a charm. Anyway, Trey gave The Great a shot at the promotion’s main title in the main event at the next over-hyped mediocre card they’re passing off as a pay-per-view.
Nick: Just like WWE, huh?
“The Great”: Over-hyped mediocre shows? Definitely! But not when it comes to The Great. The Great has captured the attention and imagination of the entire planet. The Great is now being mentioned by other wrestlers in the Brawler’s during their interviews and skits. Those other wrestlers that have became jealous of The Great and The Great’s skyrocketing stardom. Fans look at The Great, and towards The Great they begin to gravitate. They sit in their chairs with excitement and start to vibrate. The mere thought of them seeing The Great makes them salivate. Some women look at The Great and with The Great they hope to copulate.
The Great’s Wife: Okay that’s enough.
“The Great”: Really? The Great was just getting warmed up.
The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whuh WHAH WHAH.
“The Great”: Huh? Oh, The Great was punched in the eye by Pete Trable during a backstage skirmish. It was sort of a letdown because The Great thought The Great and Pete Trable would have made an excellent tag-team combination. He rhymes, The Great rhymes. We could rhyme great together. He has a good looking roster pic, The Great has a good looking roster pic. It would have been the hottest thing ever until that bald guy showed up and re-formed an old tag-team. Besides, The Great now has a shot at THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
The Great’s Wife: Do you have to yell?
“The Great”: The Great thinks so. It’s always printed in ALL CAPS.
The Great’s Wife: Well whatever, just quit yelling. And I want to go by that new fondue place on the way home.
“The Great”: No. The Great will not have fondue on The Great’s plate. Fondue makes The Great constipate.
Lori: Hello? T.M.I., Dad! That’s T.M.I.!
“The Great”: Sorry.
Nick: So what you have a shot? You’re not going to win, Dad. Nobody wins a world title in their second match.
“The Great”: It is possible, son. The Great is an enigma. The Great is special. The Great knows upon reading that Sir Zeno held the same title and never cut promos, then the guy that beat him wasn’t even entertaining, and then they guy that beat him wasn’t even a wrestler. There have been titles to win themselves in this promotion, son. Why couldn’t a guy with as much charisma and drawing power as The Great not win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in only The Great’s second match? Stranger things have happened, and that happening wouldn’t be so strange after all. The Great has a date, with Death-stiny. And as much as The Great appreciates Death’s talent and accomplishments, and admitting that his Million Dollar Entity Kneelift is much more impressive than Mr. Wrestling II’s Million Dollar Kneelift, sadly—- The Great has to defeat you.
Nick: You can’t beat Death! I saw him on YouTube killing some people in an earthquake! How will you do it, Dad?
“The Great”: The Great will have a plan. The Great will formulate. Then articulate. Then manipulate. If that doesn’t work, The Great will innovate. Necessity is the mother of invention, my boy. The Great will find a way.
Little Johnny: Well find a way to the bathroom. I gotta piss!
The Great’s Wife: Johnny! No cussing in the car! Shut up and watch your Hitler show for crying out loud!
“The Great”: Don’t worry, we are here! Now remember, keep the Christmas shopping to a dull roar, please don’t over exaggerate. The Great doesn’t want his bank account to deflate!
The Great’s Wife: Stop that! We need these things! And I’m going right now to get a new dress and some new shoes. Prada, they have to be Prada!
“The Great”: The Great doesn’t know about Prada, but The Great certainly knows about prodding. In the meantime, Death—- keep this in mind:
The Great is coming for you on January 19th. In the year of The Great.
Two Thousand and EIGHT!
The Great will grace you later.