Home > rant > On the road and shopping—

On the road and shopping—

December 21st, 2007

The Great

(“The Great” and his family are headed to Union Station by way of the ‘tricked out’ Escalade. Christmas shopping tops the list of things to do, even though “The Great” would rather talk about himself in third person and do a little boasting. Okay, a lot of boasting. His 14 year-old daughter, Lori, blonde and ambitious, is in the third row of seats next to the Mother in Law. Nick and Little Johnny occupy the middle row, Nick is busy pressing away at buttons on some hand held video game and Little Johnny watches a Hitler biography on an overhead, flip-down flat screen. “The Great” is behind the wheel and The Great’s Wife has shotgun. And probably a pistol since they’re going downtown to shop—)

“The Great”: Now remember, stay close and don’t anybody mention The Great’s name out loud. The Great is damn near famous. The Great doesn’t want to cause a riot at Union Station.

The Great’s Wife: Oh please. You’ve won one match in a wrestling promotion nobody has ever heard of. Nobody is going to recognize you. Although I hope you keep winning, I enjoyed your present the other night.

“The Great”: The Great had a huge victory. The Great wanted to celebrate and The Great thought that would be a good way to commemorate.

The Great’s Wife: It was really good. Actually, it was great. Hee! I did wonder why you smelled like ralph, though.

“The Great”: The Great hopes you mean ralph as in vomit and not Ralph as in neighbor.

The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHAH whuh whuh.

“The Great”: No, The Great did not call your daughter a slut. The Great did not even insinuate. It just so happens that The Great whipped a man The Great called Dougie so severely at the MegaBrawl that the guy puked all over everybody in the ring. The Great got the win, and so The Great came home and knocked off a little sumthin sumthin to remember The Great’s first triumph in the Brawler’s on a Budget.

Nick: Ewwww!

Lori: Double ewwww! Parent sex, I so didn’t need to hear that!

The Great’s Wife: Well, I think we may have had an accident.

“The Great”: WHAT? It was your time to ovulate?

The Great’s Wife: It was.

“The Great”: Are you late?

The Great’s Wife: A couple of days.

“The Great”: Get a pregnancy test and don’t hesitate! Get an instant results one so we don’t have to wait! My god, the last thing The Great needs is to procreate!

Nick: Hey Dad, haven’t you done this one before? I mean, it was like different and stuff but you used the same words.

Little Johnny: QUIET! I can’t hear my DVD!

The Mother In Law: Whah whah whah whuh whuh.

“The Great”: Did The Great get paid? Um, well The Great kind of did. The Great was rewarded with a World Title Match.

The Mother in Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh.

“The Great”: You want The Great to earn extra money giving plasma to the blood bank? The Great won’t do it. The Great will not donate. The mere thought of needles makes The Great start to shake.

Lori: That doesn’t even rhyme.

“The Great”: The Great thinks it’s close enough.

Lori: It doesn’t even end with the same letters!

“The Great”: So?

Nick: How’d you get a title match, Dad?

“The Great”: It was easy, all The Great had to do was talk to Trey Vincent, who is in charge of everything, then beat up a couple of losers that had been fired. That reminds The Great, you owe The Great five bucks because the Roddy Piper strikes worked like a charm. Anyway, Trey gave The Great a shot at the promotion’s main title in the main event at the next over-hyped mediocre card they’re passing off as a pay-per-view.

Nick: Just like WWE, huh?

“The Great”: Over-hyped mediocre shows? Definitely! But not when it comes to The Great. The Great has captured the attention and imagination of the entire planet. The Great is now being mentioned by other wrestlers in the Brawler’s during their interviews and skits. Those other wrestlers that have became jealous of The Great and The Great’s skyrocketing stardom. Fans look at The Great, and towards The Great they begin to gravitate. They sit in their chairs with excitement and start to vibrate. The mere thought of them seeing The Great makes them salivate. Some women look at The Great and with The Great they hope to copulate.

The Great’s Wife: Okay that’s enough.

“The Great”: Really? The Great was just getting warmed up.

The Mother in Law: Whuh whuh whuh WHAH WHAH.

“The Great”: Huh? Oh, The Great was punched in the eye by Pete Trable during a backstage skirmish. It was sort of a letdown because The Great thought The Great and Pete Trable would have made an excellent tag-team combination. He rhymes, The Great rhymes. We could rhyme great together. He has a good looking roster pic, The Great has a good looking roster pic. It would have been the hottest thing ever until that bald guy showed up and re-formed an old tag-team. Besides, The Great now has a shot at THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

The Great’s Wife: Do you have to yell?

“The Great”: The Great thinks so. It’s always printed in ALL CAPS.

The Great’s Wife: Well whatever, just quit yelling. And I want to go by that new fondue place on the way home.

“The Great”: No. The Great will not have fondue on The Great’s plate. Fondue makes The Great constipate.

Lori: Hello? T.M.I., Dad! That’s T.M.I.!

“The Great”: Sorry.

Nick: So what you have a shot? You’re not going to win, Dad. Nobody wins a world title in their second match.

“The Great”: It is possible, son. The Great is an enigma. The Great is special. The Great knows upon reading that Sir Zeno held the same title and never cut promos, then the guy that beat him wasn’t even entertaining, and then they guy that beat him wasn’t even a wrestler. There have been titles to win themselves in this promotion, son. Why couldn’t a guy with as much charisma and drawing power as The Great not win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS in only The Great’s second match? Stranger things have happened, and that happening wouldn’t be so strange after all. The Great has a date, with Death-stiny. And as much as The Great appreciates Death’s talent and accomplishments, and admitting that his Million Dollar Entity Kneelift is much more impressive than Mr. Wrestling II’s Million Dollar Kneelift, sadly—- The Great has to defeat you.

Nick: You can’t beat Death! I saw him on YouTube killing some people in an earthquake! How will you do it, Dad?

“The Great”: The Great will have a plan. The Great will formulate. Then articulate. Then manipulate. If that doesn’t work, The Great will innovate. Necessity is the mother of invention, my boy. The Great will find a way.

Little Johnny: Well find a way to the bathroom. I gotta piss!

The Great’s Wife: Johnny! No cussing in the car! Shut up and watch your Hitler show for crying out loud!

“The Great”: Don’t worry, we are here! Now remember, keep the Christmas shopping to a dull roar, please don’t over exaggerate. The Great doesn’t want his bank account to deflate!

The Great’s Wife: Stop that! We need these things! And I’m going right now to get a new dress and some new shoes. Prada, they have to be Prada!

“The Great”: The Great doesn’t know about Prada, but The Great certainly knows about prodding. In the meantime, Death—- keep this in mind:

The Great is coming for you on January 19th. In the year of The Great.

Two Thousand and EIGHT!

The Great will grace you later.


  1. December 21st, 2007 at 16:34 | #1

    (The Great is still outside Union Station, hiding his credit cards—)

    “The Great”: The Great almost forgot this, Death.
    But heed The Great’s warning:

    On January 19th, your personal space— The Great will violate.
    The pain you feel will excrutiate.
    The Great will realize The Great’s fate.
    That championship The Great will take.

    Nick: (from the door of the Station) Come on, Dad! That sucked! And hurry up so we can buy some shit!

    The Great’s Wife: ***Smacks Nick on the head***

    Nick: What’d I do, mah? What’d I do!?

    “The Great”: The Great is coming for you, Death. And The Great is undefeated.

    The Great’s Wife: Oh for crying out loud, you’ve had one damn match! Come on!

    “The Great”: At New Horizon, can The Great score a Check Mate? Can The Great become THE ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS? DAMN STRAIGHT!

    The Mother in Law: WHAH WHAH WHUH WHAH!

    “The Great”: Alright, already!

    (The Great scurries off towards Union Station—-)

  2. December 21st, 2007 at 19:15 | #2

    (Later that evening and on the way home, the Escalade is FULL of shopping bags. So much so, you can’t even see who is sitting where behind The Great and his wife.)

    “The Great”: HOLY SHATE! You guys bought too much stuff! The Great’s heart rate—- is starting to accelerate! The Great’s ticker is really starting to palpitate! Get a crate ready for The Great! The Great is going to die before he meets Death! By the way, forget the crate, The Great prefers to cremate.

    The Great’s wife: Give it a rest, for cying out loud! We’re tired of your whining! And don’t you love my Pradas?

    “The Great”: The Great doesn’t understand a pair of shoes costing 638 dollars. You could go to Payless and get almost the same thing for $19.99.

    The Great’s Wife: WHAT?! People will think we’re poor!

    “The Great”: They would think correct.

    The Mother In Law: Whah whah whah whah whah whah whah whah——— whuh.

    “The Great”: What’s that you say? The Great could park cars for extra money?

    The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHAH!

    “The Great”: The Great could park Luke Warm’s car? No, The Great doesn’t validate.

    Nick: Hey Dad, are you going to bleed when you wrestle Death?

    “The Great”: The Great hopes not. The Great really doesn’t want to self mutilate.

    Lori: Jesus Christ, Dad! Would you please stop with The Great and something that rhymes with great? I’m getting a migrane!

    “The Great”: The Great will, but first, The Great must tell Death that The Great is going to accomplish something no one else can ever duplicate. That is:
    Win THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS faster than anybody in the history of the Brawler’s on a Budget.

    The Great’s Wife: There you go with that yelling again! HEY! There’s Fondue Palace! Let’s stop!

    “The Great”: Oh joy! The Great can now look foward to a long night of strain and wait. Thanks.

    (They pull off the road and into the parking lot, and no longer visable to you viewers.)

  3. December 22nd, 2007 at 12:54 | #3

    (The morning after the ‘shopping trip’. The Great is feeling kind of crunchy and really bloated. Something that looks like a half eaten chocolate bar can be seen sitting on the breakfast table. Upon closer inspection, it’s an Ex-lax. The Great walks into view, rubbing his stomach, wearing boxers and a white undershirt known to some as a “wife beater”. Ironically enough, at the very moment of the mention of “wife beater”, The Great’s Wife walks into view as well. This is not to say The Great is a wife beater, although it’s probably crossed his mind once or twice. The Great’s Wife is wearing a bathrobe and her new Prada shoes. They both sit at the table and prepare for breakfast—which consists of cereal and microwaved bacon.)

    The Great’s Wife. Oh my! I just love my shoes! I need another pair to go with my cocktail dress, and another pair to match my china. You can’t have guests over for a china party without matching shoes!

    “The Great”: The Great imagines you can.

    The Great’s Wife: Well, aren’t you the grumpy one? Oooh dear, what’s that smell?

    “The Great”: Oh yeah, The Great had to drop the kids off at the pool.

    The Great’s Wife: Huh? It’s cold outside! Did you take them to the “Y”?

    “The Great”: Yeah, um, The Great took them to the “Y”. And then The Great would have liked to eat at the “Y”, but that cute little thing that works the muffin and juice bar wasn’t in.

    The Great’s Wife: What did you say?!

    “The Great”: The Great would have liked some of her muffin. Muffins! The Great meant to say muffins. Um, juice. Yeah. Juice.

    (Nick walks into view, as does the Mother in Law, wearing a nightgown that fully accentuates her saggy breasts. They sit at the table.)

    The Great’s Wife: Hey, I thought you said you took the kids to the pool? And you never told me what that smell was. Did the cat drag in a dead squirrel again?

    “The Great”: Not unless it was yours.

    The Mother in Law: Whah whah WHUH WHUH!

    “The Great”: No, The Great would have said that only if she said dead beaver.

    Nick: I saw a dead rabbit one time. It was cool! Kitty tore his guts out and they were laying all over the back porch. Then I poked at its guts with a stick!

    “The Great”: That’s nice, son. Maybe next time you can fry it up for dinner. It couldn’t be any worse than what your mother serves. Who would have thought Easy Cheese and Sociable crackers could be considered supper?

    The Great’s Wife: Quit that! You make it sound like I never do anything around here!

    “The Great”: Oh, you do plenty—-nag, spend a lot of money, lounge on the couch watching daytime soaps. Let’s see, nag some more.

    The Mother in Law: Whah whuh whuh whuh WHAH WHAH?

    “The Great”: The Great didn’t have a choice.

    Nick: Dad, you seem to be doing a lot of talking lately. Getting ready for your big match?

    “The Great”: That’s right, Nick. The Great is getting ready for January 19th or somewhere in that vicinity. The Great is going on vacation soon and has to squeeze in as many promos as The Great can. That explains why The Great has been so prolific lately. Hopefully these four bits will suffice until mid January.

    The Great’s Wife: We’re going on vacation! Bahamas! No, Cancun! Oh wait a minute! Hawaii! Yes! Hawaii!

    “The Great”: You misunderstood. The Great said The Great was going on vacation. The Great must go into seclusion and train for this match with Death. The Great must do this on The Great’s own. No family. No children. No Mother in Law.

    The Mother in Law: WHUH?!

    “The Great”: That’s right. Death, on January 19th—- history, The Great will create. The Great is going to do a ton of sit-ups. The Great is going to do a ton of push-ups. The Great is going to run 15 miles a day. The Great is probably going to ingest numerous quantities of performance enhancing drugs. The Great will be able to go all night long.

    The Great’s Wife: Yeah, baby!

    “The Great”: The Great did not mean THAT kind of all night long.

    The Great’s Wife: Whatever! We’re going to Hawaii! Nick, go tell Lori and Johnny to pack their bags!

    (Everybody except The Great runs off screen.)

    “The Great”: Death, it will be an honor to face you. However, it will truly be a new horizon at New Horizon. The Great is going to be a machine. The Great is going to work out like a maniac, and take a bunch of roids and be all jacked up come January 19th. The Great will play endless hours of Smackdown vs. Raw 2004 and have an arsenal unmatched by any opponent you’ve ever faced. The Great will devise counters to the kneelift and your other two moves. The Great will be unstoppable to everything except the most screwy of all screw jobs.
    Come January 19th:
    When The Great walks out—
    Ladies hips will gyrate.
    Their bosoms will lactate.
    Their boyfriends will be i-rate.
    They’ll hyperventilate.
    Can’t think straight.
    The Great’s opponent’s will to win will hibernate.
    The Great will dominate.
    And your bones will disintegrate.

    And when all is said and done, The Great will have his hand held high. And all the ladies will say, “There goes that championship having son of a gun!” And then they’ll get in line, because with The Great, they’ll want to propagate, proliferate, integrate, amalgamate, accumulate, incorporate, consolidate, and BY GOD agglomerate! None, however—- will dissipate.

    The Great’s Wife: (from another room) For crying out loud! Will you please stop with the LADIES MAN WRESTLER GIMMICK?! You’re no Matthew McConaughey! Hell, the only reason I married you was because you knocked me up when we were 15!

    “The Great”: Yeah, honey. The Great loves you too. Death, The Great will grace you at New Horizon. See you there—-

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