No debate, sizzling like a hot plate!
(“The Great” is sitting on his couch, ferverishly scrolling through “ground” attacks on a Smackdown vs. Raw circa 2004 version PS2 game. His oldest son, Nick, age 10, sits beside him on the couch.)
Nick: Hey Dad, whatcha doing?
“The Great”: Look at this! That Stretch Muffler looks pretty brutal, huh? The Great thinks The Great will incorporate it into The Great’s offense.
Nick: Dad, do you have to talk like that at home? That’s really annoying.
“The Great”: Of course The Great has to do that. It’s incredibly hot. The Great is so huge after just making The Great’s debut that it’s forced other wrestlers to cease third person reference. That Trey Vincent guy stopped doing it, and upon research, The Great has learned that a guy that calls himself The Domino also used to do it. But The Great thinks he quit since The Great has most definitely cornered the market.
“The Great”: It’s simple. Only a handful of wrestlers can pull off third person. And these other guys, no offense intended, but these other guys have learned that only one third person referencer, um, user of third person is um, GREAT at it. It’s official. The Great’s debut at Nowhere in November was GREAT. It’s not up for debate. It was the best to date. Don’t hate. Appreciate.
Nick: That sounded really gay, Dad. And speaking of gay, this game has Rico on it. Why don’t you buy a newer one?
“The Great”: Why? This is perfect. Everybody has the updated ones.
Nick: We don’t!
“The Great”: Well, you don’t play them. The wrestling ones anyway. You begged The Great to get this one, and all you did was play Bra and Panty matches with Trish Stratus and that long-legged girl until your mother caught you, and that was the end of that. The Great doesn’t understand, your mother let’s you play games where you blow World War II era German’s heads off but won’t let you play ones where the object of winning a match is to strip a girl to her undergarments. The logic in that?
Nick: I don’t know, I was trying to put in the code that revealed a nipple slip.
“The Great”: DID IT WORK?
Nick: No Dad, gross!
“The Great”: Um, yeah. That’s gross. Shame on you. Go kill some Germans. Old, WWII Germans. It’s okay to kill them. Just not current Germans. I think we’re friends with them now.
Nick: Yeah, there’s games where we kill Arabs now. Can we get one?
“The Great”: No! Now quiet, The Great has to, concentrate. The Great, has to calculate. Calculate, The Great’s next move. Go outside and play or something.
Nick: Being a wrestler’s son sucks!
“The Great”: You won’t think it sucks when The Great starts making some mega bucks. Then The Great can buy you a fancy sports car that you can wrap around a pole while street racing and put your friend in the hosital. Make sure it’s Mark, The Great hates that kid.
“The Great”: Hey, how about this Roddy Piper strike? It’s got 4 bars of damage!
Nick: Dad. That’s on the game. That won’t work on a real guy.
“The Great”: The Great scoffs at that “real guy” remark. It’s a keeper. What about Jimmy Snuka’s ropes special? Think The Great can do that? And why haven’t you unlocked these other legend guys?
Nick: I want Halo 3. Wrestling games suck!
“The Great”: Son, you are no help. The Great will learn all these moves, and since this game is so old, nobody will remember the counters. It’s perfect. Hey Nick, did you see The Great’s picture on the roster page? The best picture ever taken of The Great. It’s awesome. Dare The Great say, it’s GREAT?
Nick: I’m hungry. Can you make me some Mac ‘N Cheese?
“The Great”: Eat some cereal. The Great is busy right now. Find your mother and have her make it.
Nick: She’s shopping.
“The Great”: That figures. But anyway, you should have seen The Great drop Axl with Stunner 3. That guy thought The Great was going to be the Marty Jannetty to his Shawn Michaels but The Great has other plans.
Nick: Did you talk smack to him after you hit it?
“The Great”: Umm, no, The Great forgot to do that.
Nick: Then that wasn’t a Stunner 3. Stunner 3 is when you crawl up over top of him and talk shit in his face.
“The Great”: What did you say?!
“The Great”: Did you say shit?
Nick: No. I’m going to ride my bike! See ya!
(He runs away. The Great looks confused for a second, then just goes on back to the game. )
“The Great”: Hmmmm. OH! I like that! A snap suplex! The Great likes that arching motion. If The Great can execute that onto the top rope and turn it into a snap slingshot suplex, it will be unescapable. The Great can call it The Great-Way Arch! A tribute to the Gateway Arch here in St. Lou! Which was suppassed, by the way, by Detroit as the U.S.’s most dangerous city. But that doesn’t mean that The Great, from the still second most dangerous city in the U.S., isn’t the most dangerous man in Brawlers on a Budget.
(He stands and flexes)
“The Great”: The Great IS the most dangerous.
Because The Great, is Great.
And now, The Great has to go.
The Great has to “preview button” this snap suplex several more times to perfect it.
The Great will grace you later.