Cyber Monday
[In Sin City, Death was busy surfing the Web when his fellow Skull & Bones Society members Uber Vampire Warrior and Lord Athackkimentham walked into the dimly lit room.]
LA: Oh, Death. It’s amazing. Santa is growing stronger with every purchase. It’s looking like a record for greed! Hail Santa!
Death: Yes, yes, Hail Santa.
LA: What are you doing?
[Death pauses his searching and spins away from the monitor.]
Death: My part. I was thinking of what to give the man who will try, and fail, to take the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from me at MegaBrawl. And…support the reign of Lord Santa, of course.
LA: Silaconne M. Plants? Do they sell time machines so he can go back and be in his prime?
Death: Now, why would I want to give him that? Then he might actually have a shot at beating me. Bah, who am I kidding? Even in his prime, Plants couldn’t have beat me. Hell, Plants could barely beat that Niege 13 fellow back in his ‘prime.’
LA: Yes.
Death: Oooh. Coffins. That would be nice. I am incredibly rich. And I like Nurse Heidi. I’d hate to see her go bankrupt burying the bad doc.
LA: Coffins don’t aid the ascension of Lord Santa.
[Death returns to surfing.]
Death: Who are you boys battling at MegaBrawl anyway?
LA: Kevin the Pyromaniac and Booger.
Death: Booger? Oh, right, that guy you threw off the roof a couple days ago at November In Nowhere. Why is Kevin the Pyromaniac in the match?
LA: No idea.
Death: Well, Uber Vamp, I guess you’ll be having creme BLOOD-ay. Get it?
[Uncomfortable silence. Uber Vamp looks up at the ceiling and scratches the back of his head.]
Death: Right then. Ah, here we go. Caviar?
LA: I could impale him on a candy cane for you, Lord Death.
Death: No, no. Plants deserves to sample a little good eating. Since it will likely be his last meal. A little sinister sturgeon for the Sinister Surgeon. Life isn’t the only one who takes Visa.
[Death pulls out a credit card and begins placing the order.]
Death: Plants. You’ve got two ounces of caviar coming your way. Sixty bucks? Wow. But then you’re gonna have to do your impression of the lead singer of Quiet Riot. Just like everybody else, it’s time to get your ass kicked by Big Bony.
Death: SMP, you’ve done some stuff here in BOB. Let’s look at what you’ve done. You were a tag champ with your biggest enemy, douja. And…hmm…not much else. You couldn’t get past Justin Voss to win the Swiss Army Belt. Justin Voss? And that was eight years ago?
Death: Then, already a shell of your former self, you bought the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from Billy Polar in 2002. And then you got squashed by Bohemoth? What have you got now, Plants? You don’t even have the money to TRY and buy this from me. I’m way richer than you.
Death: Meanwhile, there is Death. I won every title I had a shot at winning. Swiss Army Belt? Did it. Never lost it. Just got bored with it and vacated it. “Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind” Hardcore Title? Did it. If Mr. Paradox didn’t freeze time, there’s no way he was beating this. You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain’t Doing That Title? Did it. Hell, I unified TWO titles into one, that’s how good am I. Remember the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title? And…oh yeah…I just happen to have this big belt here. I believe it’s called THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.
Death: Shoot, if I could grow a pair of tits, I no doubt would beat that softball chick for the T&A title. Is she really a woman? Has anybody checked out her junk in the shower?
Death: Anyway…Plants. It’s going to be epic. I know you’re going to bring your best to the biggest show of the year. But just know, your best is no match for this one finger.
[Death waves his bony index finger back and forth at the camera.]
Death: On December 15, it’s “A Dr. Silaconne M. Plants Christmas.” And at MegaBrawl, SMP, you’re the retarded tree.
LA: Hail Santa!