Me and Taxes
Caption: Somewhere in Florida
[Death is sunning it up on a beach. His wife, Katie, is laying on a beach towel next to him.]
Death: Katie, what do you think of this main event I’ve got coming up at November in Nowhere.
Katie: Ra raaar.
Death: Yeah, I think it sucks too. I’ve got to face, what, 12 other people? Including Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who I’m supposed to face yet again at MEGABRAWL? There’s only one thing tougher to do than to beat a guy once. It’s to beat a guy TWICE in a row. But Plants, since it’s just you, I guess it’ll be like the New England Patriots running through the Miami Dolphins twice this season. No worries on my end.
Death: Axl? You did have this title just a little while ago. And this event is in your hometown. But you know what? If this were the 1970s or 1980s, MAYBE that would matter. Wrestlers, lately, have been jobbing in their hometowns. Believe me, buddy boy, you ain’t got a shot at getting this title back around your waist again.
Death: douja? I guess it all depends on how good the weed is in Nowhere. douja’s held the gold before. But lately, he hasn’t been much of anything. He hasn’t even showed up in the Rant Zone for months, so no worries there. No interviews equal no push.
Death: Then there’s Regeneration-X. Jim and Massive Man. I’ve killed you before, Jim, and I’ll kill you good once again. And it won’t be just a glancing Touch of Death this time. Maybe I’ll give you both crotch cancer. Then when you do those crotch chops and accidentally bang your balls, they’ll rip off and roll down your legs. And you’ll step on ‘em because you won’t know they’re there! How about that, boys? Crotch rot! Let’s see you regenerate your genitals, boys.
Death: Pigeon? Please. I’ve beaten him so many times I’ve lost count. I got your “density” right here. Undietaker? Have you beaten anybody who is anybody, ever? I don’t think so. Insano Mano? I’m not gonna kill you, mainly because it’s so funny to NOT put you out of your misery, Wile E.
Death: XXXtreme Machine. Remember, the reason you’re still poor is because of me! Remember? I made a KILLING in the stock market with your back pay. And it’s been all green for Death since. That’s right, just like NBC, Death went green. And once you go green, you never go back.
Death: Kevin the Pyromaniac? Been there, killed that. Pete Trable? You haven’t done ANYTHING yet to deserve to be in this match. You’re just there to make the little girls cream themselves, maybe, I dunno.
Death: And finally…booger. Booger, boy, this ain’t a gimmick. I’m God’s hitman. I am the Death there is, the Death there was, and the Death there ever will be. And I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Come November In Nowhere, Big Bony’s gonna collect another main event pay check. Welcome to my world, Booger. I’ll show you that the scythe is mightier than the spoon.
Death: Always remember, nothing’s for sure in life except for ME and taxes…But for now…Big Bony’s on…the….BEEEEEEEEEACH!
[Sound of a gun shot in the distance.]
Death: Crap. Katie, we have to go. Time to go to work.
Katie: Raaaar!