Going to Nowhere?
(The Great is eating a lunch prepared by his wife. It’s Salisbury Hamburger Helper and pop-into-the-oven biscuits. She also microwaved some green peas.)
“The Great”: Hey, didn’t The Great have this yesterday?
The Great’s Wife: No, you had Four Cheese Lasagne. And must you call yourself The Great when you’re talking to me?
“The Great”: Of course. The Great is The Great now 24-7. The Great has to fully involve The Great’s self into The Great’s character if it’s going to be believeable. And by the way, Four Cheese Lasagne is still Hamburger Helper. Didn’t your mother ever teach you to cook real food? Or work?
The Great’s Wife: DON’T TALK ABOUT MOMMA! And being a housewife IS work!
“The Great”: You sit around all day and watch Montel and Steve Wilkos.
The Great’s Wife: I’m not the only one that watches Montel! And besides, I cook and clean all day while you work, which reminds me, why are you not at work?
“The Great”: (Looking at dirty dishes piled up in the sink) Um, The Great is still confused about the cleaning thing you just said. And The Great is not at work because The Great took a day off.
The Great’s Wife: WHAT! WHAAAAAAAT?! We’re going to lose the house!
“The Great”: The Great says calm down. The Great is expecting big things for The Great in the world of wrestling.
The Great’s Wife: Wrestling is fake, you need a REAL second job.
“The Great”: No need to worry. The Great has a feeling that The Great is going to be a big time player in wrestling. The Great is striking up interest, and The Great has learned that some main eventers got the axe in Brawler’s on a Budget, opening the door for The Great to step in and make big money.
The Great’s Wife: Big money, huh? Oh yeah, speaking of Brawlers on a Budget, you got a letter from them. They wrote on the envelope with crayon and the stamp was a smiley so I’m not so sure about that big money deal. They want your bio information.
“The Great”: You opened The Great’s mail?
The Great’s Wife: Of course, I open all your mail. Why do you think you never get those Eve’s Tease brochures? Although I think I might let you get that enhancer ring.
“The Great”: Eww. That would mean that The Great would have to have sex with you and possibly knock you up again. Isn’t three cash grubbing kids enough? I can barely keep up with Lori’s Air Force Nike collection she has going and that stupid iPod and cell phones. Why does she need 4 cell phones again? And Nick? Damn if The Great can’t keep track of X-Box 360 and Playstaion 3 games. He didn’t even play with the Playstation 2 games. Now all The Great hears is Halo 3, Halo 3, I need Halo 3. Dad, can we get Halo 3? And finally Little Johnny, does a Kindergartner really NEED Abercrombie shirts and jeans?
The Great’s Wife: Quit yer whining! They need those things!
“The Great”: The Great’s wife is confused about needs and wants. But anyway, The Great will answer the letter from Brawler’s on Budget.
Height: 5′ 11″
Weight: 225, moderatley proportioned with some slight noteable musculature.
Hometown: St. Louis, Missouri
Theme Music: (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones
Costume: Dyed tighty whiteys, nondescript volleyball player kneepads, wrestling boots from “Discount Warehouse”
Finshing Maneuver: The Great’s Figure Eight (A Figure Four, which he applies, releases, and simply applies again.)
Wrestling Style: Sporatic fighting with grabs and chokeholds mixed in until he learns some actual moves .
Previous Convictions: None
History and Backstory: He’s just a man whose wife and kids are about to bankrupt him so he needs a second job. The bonus is it gives him a chance to stay away from home more often. He’s just an average joe trying to live the American dream and now has too many bills.
Favourite Cereal: Frosted Flakes. THEY’RE GREEEEEAT!
Make of Car: A tricked out Escalade. (yeah, the wife’s idea)
Number of Times You’ve Watched “The Sound of Music”: 27 times because the “wife likes it”.
And anything else I should know about you…
The Great looks kindo like Keanu Reeves during his Point Break days. He has his hair pulled back into a ponytail and has grown long sideburns for his “wrestling look.” He is clean shaven. And occasionally may wear sunglasses to project coolnees.
The Great’s Wife: You told me you liked The Sound of Music!
“The Great”: The Great lied to you.
The Great’s Wife: And you do not look like Keanu Reeves.
“The Great”: That’s what you told The Great on our first date.
The Great’s wife: Well, I LIED to YOU. Maybe I said I wished you looked like Keanu Reeves.
“The Great”: Whatever, The Great probably thought about the hot chick at Kinko’s every time you and The Great did it. So there.
The Great’s Wife: (obviously upset) I can’t believe you said that.
“The Great”: Oh, don’t cry. The Great was, just um, kidding. And The Great needs your assistance anyway, so The Great doesn’t want to make you too upset. The Great needs to know how to find Nowhere, Oklahoma. The Great feels the need to crash that party.
The Great’s Wife: Duh, use the OnStar, stupid.
“The Great”: (In a mock) “Duh, use the OnStar, stupid”.
Don’t you think The Great already tried that? The Great types in Nowhere and all The Great gets is a blank screen. What’s Nowehere close to? Somewhere? Over There? Talequah? Of course The Great is joking, nobody has ever heard of Talequah.
The Great’s wife: Find it yourself! It’s time for Days of our Lives!
“The Great”: Lovely. The Great will find Nowhere, Oklahoma, even if The Great has to do it all by The Great’s self. But for now, The Great has to retrieve Nick’s Smackdown vs. Raw on his PS2 and learn some maneuvers. That Trailer Hitch move looked pretty brutal, and The Great is almost certain The Great can do Suplex 13 and Clothesline 8. By the time of The Great’s debut, The Great will be a master of all kinds of offensive destruction!
And then, you will all appreciate—