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voiceover: THIS…. IS…….

November 30th, 2007
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Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

“JEOPARDY!”

[The familiar and slightly annoying theme music plays as the camera pans around the set and across the studio audience. From a distance, the contestants can be seen: a fat black guy, a muscular black guy, and a token white guy. Alex Trebek walks out and takes his position behind the podium.]

Alex: Good evening and welcome to Jeopardy. This is our popular celebrity sports entertainer edition. Our first contestant, known worldwide as the Madman from the Sudan, this is Abdullah the Butcher.

[Polite “golf claps” are heard throughout the studio]

Alex: Second, this is the WWE’s latest one trick pony…say hello to Ron Simmons.

Crowd: Hi, Ron!

Alex: And finally, just barely getting on today’s show because considering some of his matches… we were struggling with whether or not he’s a celebrity or a legitimate sports entertainer, this is Dr. Silaconne M. Plants.

[Crickets can be heard in the studio]

Alex: Okay, let’s get right to it because I’ve heard through the grapevine that our writer is crabby and wants to get back in bed. Our first category is “food stuffs”. Abdullah, we’ll start with you.

ATB: …

Alex: Umm, I’ll assume you picked food stuffs for $200. A popular cooking spray used to keep food from sticking to your pan.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Abdullah the Butcher?

ATB: …

Alex: You have to speak to answer.

ATB: …

Alex: Umm, an answer?

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

[Simmons looks left, then right, then scratches his chin…]

RS: PAM!

Alex: That correct! But you do not have to yell. And please
answer in the form of a question. Let’s try food stuffs for $400. A bizarre breakfast combination served up by Dr. Seuss. Green Eggs and…

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

[Simmons looks left, then right, then scratches his chin…]

RS: HAM!

Alex: Okay, I see you’re not going to answer as a question. Let’s check with our judges? It’s okay? Good, because Mr. Simmons is a lot bigger than I am.

[Alex looks at other categories]

Alex: Mr. Simmons, you have to pick another category or continue with food stuffs.

[Ron Simmons just glares at Alex, since he can no longer, according to WWE writers, do a goddamn thing other than walk on set a bellow out a one word ‘catchphrase’.]

Alex: Alright, I’ll choose. Umm, let’s try…well, I’ll just pick the next category and you guys can answer them. Fair enough? Good. Let’s try “slang terms”. A slang term for conning people out of money…

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: SCAM!

Alex: Correct! This is a slang term for late night study sessions.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Abdullah the Butcher?

ATB: …

Alex: No. Does he have a manager here? Who booked a guy that never speaks on television for a television show?

[Abdullah pulls a plastic fork out of his trunks and begins gouging his own forehead, getting color]

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: CRAM!

Alex: Yes, again! A slang term for stuffing a basketball through the hoop.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

[Simmons goes through his ‘contemplation’ gimmick again…]

RS: SLAM!

Alex: Correct, you’re building a good lead.

RS: Grrrr.

Alex: Let’s go to “Serial Killers.” This guy was known to shoot people because his dog instructed him to do so. He was known as The Son of What?

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: SAM!

Alex: Ron Simmons, you’re a virtual house of fire. Let’s change it up a bit. I’ll just throw out some random answers. Okay? A popular ‘80’s duo with catchy hits and questionable sexual preferences.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: WHAM!

Alex: True dat! A popular way for a gentleman with very little manners to send off a female companion for the night.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: WHAM!

[there’s a pause while he contemplates the situation]

RS: BAM!

[He thinks some more.]

RS: MA’AM!

Alex: I’m sorry, the correct answer is, “Wham, bam, THANK YOU, ma’am”. Hold on, our judges say that was close enough.

[There’s some applause in the studio. Abdullah continues to gouge at himself, and has somehow procured a live chicken which he threatens to bite about the head and neck. Plants just stand there indifferent.]

Alex: Back to food stuffs. A very popular, yet processed, canned meat famous for several uses.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: SPAM!

Alex: Correct! You’ve amassed an insuperable lead. A favorite dinner entrée of many rich and famous. Rack of What?

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Abdullah the Butcher?

[Abdullah bites the chicken]

Alex: Umm, no. It’s not chicken.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: LAMB!

Alex: Yes! You’re unstoppable! A preserve made from strawberries or grapes and is a tasty sidekick of pies or peanut butter.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: JAM!

Alex: You must be butter, Ron Simmons. You’re on a roll! Let’s go sporadic… Barney and Betty Rubble’s son.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: *sigh* Ron Simmons?

RS: BAM!

[pause]

RS: BAM!

Alex: Right again! The famous tourist attraction that separates Nevada and Arizona. The Hoover What?

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Abdullah the Butcher?

ATB: …

[Abdullah bites the chicken.]

Alex: No, I’m sorry.

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Ron Simmons?

RS: …

Alex: Ron Simmons?

[Ron stands there like a deer in headlights]

*boopboopboop*

Alex: Dr. Silaconne M. Plants?

SMP: What is Dam?

[Ron Simmons slumps noticeably at his podium.]

RS: DAMN!

Alex: I’m sorry, Ron Simmons, Dr. Plants has already answered correctly. You get no points.

[Alex turns to Plants]

Alex: Dr. Plants, you are correct! And you’re on the board! You’re in control, pick a category.

SMP: I’d like Cheating Death for a thousand, Alex.

Alex: What you do out in an open field faced with an approaching tornado.

SMP: Well, I’m not sure how I will cheat Death. I can’t use powder because he doesn’t have eyes. Nutters will not work, either, since I’ve yet to see a skeleton with balls.

Alex: Ummm, no. the correct answer is “What is? Lay in a ditch.” You didn’t even ring in. I have no idea what you’re talking about.

SMP: Well, give me Cheating Death for $800.

*The Daily Double chime is heard*

Alex: You got the Daily Double, Dr. Plants. How much would you like to wager?

SMP: At MEGABRAWL, Alex… I’d let to bet it all.

Alex: Eh? Okay… if confronted by a lightning storm while in an open field, what you do to cheat death?

SMP: I know what to do. At MEGABRAWL, cheating Death will not be as easy, even for a man known as “The Dirtiest Boobie Enhancer in Wrestling Today.” So, I guess we’ll just have to go straight up, Death. I’ve never been so focused. I’ve never been so motivated. I’ve never been so ready for one match in my entire career. It’s been a long time since I’ve held singles gold, but there’s still a main event or two left in this old son of a bitch. I’ll see you there, Big Boney. And I’m bringing the one thing that even you can’t defend… STICKS AND STONES! Get it? Got it? GOOD!

Alex: The correct answer is, “What is? Bend over and grab your ankles.” Nowhere in your insane ramblings was there a rational thought, or hopes at being close to an answer. You are awarded zero points, and everybody is now dumber for having listened to you. May God have mercy on your soul.

SMP: BWAAA HAA HAAA! I can’t believe you just parodied the guy that parodied you in Billy Madison! Alex, you’re a putz. This show is stupid, and you are stupid! I have more important things on my mind than your dumb quizzes on how to cheat death… like how to BEAT Death. And I will!

[Plants flips over his podium to give a semblance of ‘bad ass’, then stomps off stage. Abdullah, now wearing a grisly bloody crimson mask, chases that chicken across the stage and into the audience. Pan to Ron Simmons, who is contemplating yet again. Ron surveys the scene, rubs his chin, and looks directly into the camera…]

RS: That was peculiar.
[fade out.]

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Vincent, V.P.

November 28th, 2007
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Trey Vincent

[A 4×6 photograph of Pigeon comes on the screen.]

“Pigeon”: What about me? What about ECK, ECK, ECK!

[A 4×6 photograph of Michelle bounces on screen.]

“Michelle”: What’s the matter, Pigeon? What about what? No! No!

[Fade to brief opening credits featuring a picture of a skull.]

Caption: VINCENT, V.P.

Caption: Starring Trey Vincent. And Misty Waters.

Misty Waters

[And that’s all the credits we could afford. Cut to a bed in Trey Vincent’s apartment. The picture of Pigeon is laying in the bed. Trey Vincent limps into the shot with his skull cane. Misty Waters is standing at bedside in a white lab coat.]

TV: I only hired you because you’re hot.

MW: Damn you, Vincent! Do me right here on the patient!

“Michelle”: Help my sex slave!

TV: Who said that? Wow, you’re flat. I seriously used to have sex with you? What did I grab onto?

[He pulls out a bottle of “pills” and downs a whole bunch.

“Pigeon”: ECK! ECK! ECK!

TV: Mmmphh mphhh mpffff.

MW: Vincent, you’re spitting Vicadins everywhere!

TV: Mmph foo!

MW: The patient came in saying nothing but “ECK!”

TV: ECK? Boring. That’s an easy diagnosis.

“Michelle”: Save him! Please! I loverz him!

TV: Loverz?

MW: Sorry.

TV: *Ahem* Our boy here has Choke-Again Disease.

MW: Choke-Again?

TV: Exactly. That’s why he can’t say anything but “ECK.” His chronic disease must have sprung up once he realized he has to face myself and Misty Waters in a mixed tag team match at MEGABRAWL.

MW: MEGABRAWL?

TV: December 15. Usually, he only chokes during matches. This is a severe flare-up.

MW: Mmm. What can we do?

“Michelle”: Yes. What can we do?

TV: I first became aware of his illness when I saw him sports entertaining with Sir Zeno. When you can’t defeat Zeno, or at least run him out of the promotion you’re running due to inactivity, that’s a sure sign you’re a choker. Pigeon, buddy, I’m afraid there’s no way to avoid jobbing to me and Misty.

Pigeon: ECK! ECK! ECK!

TV: I’m sorry.

[Cut to Flatline.]

Flatline: Uhhhh….beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep?

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If I Gave It All Away For One Thing

November 27th, 2007

Kay Fabe

[“One Thing” by Finger Eleven begins playing. We see a shot of Kay Fabe hanging from a tree in a skimpy swimsuit. Then a picture of Kay Fabe’s fourth grade Cloudydale class picture, with her circled. Aw, how cute she was back then. Then we see her in her awkward, nerdy high school pic (Cloudydale, Class of 1996!). Then a shot of her bent over a chair? Yowza. Then a picture of her lifting bananas, as if they were weights. Then Kay dressed up as Mistress of Pain in some sort of love dungeon. Cut to a shot of Kay Fabe straddling the top turnbuckle and, uh, rather enjoying herself. Cut to a shot of Kay sitting in an empty BOB ballroom.]

“Restless tonight”

[A close up of Kay staring at the camera all serious and sexy.]

“Cause I wasted the light”

[A close up of Kay’s hands flexing as if they’re about to grab boobs.]

“Between both these times”

[A shot of Kay in an empty ring.]

“I drew a really thin line”

[A shot of Kay looking up at the ceiling and then, not, as Kamikazie Ken falls down from the rafters.]

“If I traded it all”

[Shot of a nerdy, younger Kay in an Ani DiFranco T-shirt.]

“If I gave it all away for one thing”

[A shot of Kay not wearing a shirt…sadly, from behind. Then a clip of Kay jumping rope. Then a shot of her hitting the Kay’s Bottom on somebody.]

“Just for one thing”

[Kay holding up the Chimichanga Title. Clip of Kay looking at her boobies.]

“If I sorted it out”

[Shots of Kay hitting a Kay’s Bottom on somebody.]

“If I knew all about this one thing”

[Shots of Kay walking out at an SMC.]

“Wouldn’t that be something”

[Shots of Kay walking out at a different SMC. Then clips of her playing with her juggies.]

“I promise I might”

[Clips of Kay surrounded by candles at Massively Cool.]

“Not walk on by”

[Clips of Kay hitting Great Tiny with a German suplex.]

“Maybe next time”

[Clips of Kay hitting XXXtreme Machine with a German suplex.]

“But not this time”

[Clip of Kay hitting Massive Man Rendition First with a German suplex. Clip of Kay Fabe locking in the Wiccan Crossface on MMR1 at November In Nowhere.]

KF: I’ve heard it all. You’ll never win the big one. You’ll never be able to come back from hell and compete in a low budget federation for a secondary title while possessing a redheaded Wiccan’s body.

NH: Look! She just grabbed the Swiss Army Belt. Is she…



Styles: She’s stuffing the Swiss Army Belt down her…tights?



NH: And look at that evil, gap-toothed smile!



SW: C-c-c-an I g-g-g-get in those t-i-t-t-i–t-ights?



KF: Hey, Massive Man? You want this title back? You’ll have to face me. The greatest technical wrestler possessing the body of a redheaded woman today! Get ready for some toothless aggression!



Styles: Oh dear lord.



KF: At MegaBrawl, that’s what it’s all aboot! Eh?



Styles: Massive Man vs. Kay Fabe?


KF: A lot of critics said never. I proved them wrong.

[Various clips are repeated. Then we have shots of Kay Fabe locking in the Wiccan Crossface on Massive Man again.]

Caption: MEGABRAWL, Dec. 15, 2007.

Styles: Kay Fabe ripping and tearing. It’s over! Kay Fabe’s five-year odyssey has culminated by winning the Swiss Army Belt at MEGABRAWL!

[A shot of Kay Fabe holding up the stolen Swiss Army Belt.]

“If I traded it all”

[A shot of Kay Fabe trying to hug some random kid.]

“If I gave it all away for one thing”

[Another shot of Kay Fabe hugging a random kid. Pan out to reveal she’s at a mall. Santa Claus chases her off with a candy cane.]

“Wouldn’t that be something.”

[A shot of Kay Fabe hugging Sarah “The Jobber Slayer” in a naughty way from various angles with a night vision camera. Then a shot of Kay Fabe looking up at the heavens. Then a shot of Kay Fabe holding up the Swiss Army Belt in celebration once again. Fade to black as the song fades out.]

[Fade up to a shot of Massive Man on the screen.]

Caption: In Memory Of Massive Man’s Swiss Army Belt Reign
September – December 2007

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No debate, sizzling like a hot plate!

November 27th, 2007
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The Great

(“The Great” is sitting on his couch, ferverishly scrolling through “ground” attacks on a Smackdown vs. Raw circa 2004 version PS2 game. His oldest son, Nick, age 10, sits beside him on the couch.)

Nick: Hey Dad, whatcha doing?

“The Great”: Look at this! That Stretch Muffler looks pretty brutal, huh? The Great thinks The Great will incorporate it into The Great’s offense.

Nick: Dad, do you have to talk like that at home? That’s really annoying.

“The Great”: Of course The Great has to do that. It’s incredibly hot. The Great is so huge after just making The Great’s debut that it’s forced other wrestlers to cease third person reference. That Trey Vincent guy stopped doing it, and upon research, The Great has learned that a guy that calls himself The Domino also used to do it. But The Great thinks he quit since The Great has most definitely cornered the market.

Nick: Huh?

“The Great”: It’s simple. Only a handful of wrestlers can pull off third person. And these other guys, no offense intended, but these other guys have learned that only one third person referencer, um, user of third person is um, GREAT at it. It’s official. The Great’s debut at Nowhere in November was GREAT. It’s not up for debate. It was the best to date. Don’t hate. Appreciate.

Nick: That sounded really gay, Dad. And speaking of gay, this game has Rico on it. Why don’t you buy a newer one?

“The Great”: Why? This is perfect. Everybody has the updated ones.

Nick: We don’t!

“The Great”: Well, you don’t play them. The wrestling ones anyway. You begged The Great to get this one, and all you did was play Bra and Panty matches with Trish Stratus and that long-legged girl until your mother caught you, and that was the end of that. The Great doesn’t understand, your mother let’s you play games where you blow World War II era German’s heads off but won’t let you play ones where the object of winning a match is to strip a girl to her undergarments. The logic in that?

Nick: I don’t know, I was trying to put in the code that revealed a nipple slip.

“The Great”: DID IT WORK?

Nick: No Dad, gross!

“The Great”: Um, yeah. That’s gross. Shame on you. Go kill some Germans. Old, WWII Germans. It’s okay to kill them. Just not current Germans. I think we’re friends with them now.

Nick: Yeah, there’s games where we kill Arabs now. Can we get one?

“The Great”: No! Now quiet, The Great has to, concentrate. The Great, has to calculate. Calculate, The Great’s next move. Go outside and play or something.

Nick: Being a wrestler’s son sucks!

“The Great”: You won’t think it sucks when The Great starts making some mega bucks. Then The Great can buy you a fancy sports car that you can wrap around a pole while street racing and put your friend in the hosital. Make sure it’s Mark, The Great hates that kid.

Nick: COOL!

“The Great”: Hey, how about this Roddy Piper strike? It’s got 4 bars of damage!

Nick: Dad. That’s on the game. That won’t work on a real guy.

“The Great”: The Great scoffs at that “real guy” remark. It’s a keeper. What about Jimmy Snuka’s ropes special? Think The Great can do that? And why haven’t you unlocked these other legend guys?

Nick: I want Halo 3. Wrestling games suck!

“The Great”: Son, you are no help. The Great will learn all these moves, and since this game is so old, nobody will remember the counters. It’s perfect. Hey Nick, did you see The Great’s picture on the roster page? The best picture ever taken of The Great. It’s awesome. Dare The Great say, it’s GREAT?

Nick: I’m hungry. Can you make me some Mac ‘N Cheese?

“The Great”: Eat some cereal. The Great is busy right now. Find your mother and have her make it.

Nick: She’s shopping.

“The Great”: That figures. But anyway, you should have seen The Great drop Axl with Stunner 3. That guy thought The Great was going to be the Marty Jannetty to his Shawn Michaels but The Great has other plans.

Nick: Did you talk smack to him after you hit it?

“The Great”: Umm, no, The Great forgot to do that.

Nick: Then that wasn’t a Stunner 3. Stunner 3 is when you crawl up over top of him and talk shit in his face.

“The Great”: What did you say?!

Nick: Huh?

“The Great”: Did you say shit?

Nick: No. I’m going to ride my bike! See ya!

(He runs away. The Great looks confused for a second, then just goes on back to the game. )

“The Great”: Hmmmm. OH! I like that! A snap suplex! The Great likes that arching motion. If The Great can execute that onto the top rope and turn it into a snap slingshot suplex, it will be unescapable. The Great can call it The Great-Way Arch! A tribute to the Gateway Arch here in St. Lou! Which was suppassed, by the way, by Detroit as the U.S.’s most dangerous city. But that doesn’t mean that The Great, from the still second most dangerous city in the U.S., isn’t the most dangerous man in Brawlers on a Budget.

(He stands and flexes)

“The Great”: The Great IS the most dangerous.
Because The Great, is Great.
Real Great.
THE Great.
And now, The Great has to go.
The Great has to “preview button” this snap suplex several more times to perfect it.

The Great will grace you later.

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Cyber Monday

November 26th, 2007
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Death

[In Sin City, Death was busy surfing the Web when his fellow Skull & Bones Society members Uber Vampire Warrior and Lord Athackkimentham walked into the dimly lit room.]

LA: Oh, Death. It’s amazing. Santa is growing stronger with every purchase. It’s looking like a record for greed! Hail Santa!

Lord Athackkimentham

Death: Yes, yes, Hail Santa.

LA: What are you doing?

[Death pauses his searching and spins away from the monitor.]

Death: My part. I was thinking of what to give the man who will try, and fail, to take the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from me at MegaBrawl. And…support the reign of Lord Santa, of course.

Uber Vampire Warrior

LA: Silaconne M. Plants? Do they sell time machines so he can go back and be in his prime?

Death: Now, why would I want to give him that? Then he might actually have a shot at beating me. Bah, who am I kidding? Even in his prime, Plants couldn’t have beat me. Hell, Plants could barely beat that Niege 13 fellow back in his ‘prime.’

LA: Yes.

Death: Oooh. Coffins. That would be nice. I am incredibly rich. And I like Nurse Heidi. I’d hate to see her go bankrupt burying the bad doc.

LA: Coffins don’t aid the ascension of Lord Santa.

[Death returns to surfing.]

Death: Who are you boys battling at MegaBrawl anyway?

LA: Kevin the Pyromaniac and Booger.

Death: Booger? Oh, right, that guy you threw off the roof a couple days ago at November In Nowhere. Why is Kevin the Pyromaniac in the match?

LA: No idea.

Death: Well, Uber Vamp, I guess you’ll be having creme BLOOD-ay. Get it?

[Uncomfortable silence. Uber Vamp looks up at the ceiling and scratches the back of his head.]

Death: Right then. Ah, here we go. Caviar?

LA: I could impale him on a candy cane for you, Lord Death.

Death: No, no. Plants deserves to sample a little good eating. Since it will likely be his last meal. A little sinister sturgeon for the Sinister Surgeon. Life isn’t the only one who takes Visa.

[Death pulls out a credit card and begins placing the order.]

Death: Plants. You’ve got two ounces of caviar coming your way. Sixty bucks? Wow. But then you’re gonna have to do your impression of the lead singer of Quiet Riot. Just like everybody else, it’s time to get your ass kicked by Big Bony.

Death: SMP, you’ve done some stuff here in BOB. Let’s look at what you’ve done. You were a tag champ with your biggest enemy, douja. And…hmm…not much else. You couldn’t get past Justin Voss to win the Swiss Army Belt. Justin Voss? And that was eight years ago?

Death: Then, already a shell of your former self, you bought the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from Billy Polar in 2002. And then you got squashed by Bohemoth? What have you got now, Plants? You don’t even have the money to TRY and buy this from me. I’m way richer than you.

Death: Meanwhile, there is Death. I won every title I had a shot at winning. Swiss Army Belt? Did it. Never lost it. Just got bored with it and vacated it. “Are You Out Of Your Frickin’ Mind” Hardcore Title? Did it. If Mr. Paradox didn’t freeze time, there’s no way he was beating this. You Gotta Be Kidding, I Ain’t Doing That Title? Did it. Hell, I unified TWO titles into one, that’s how good am I. Remember the YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title? And…oh yeah…I just happen to have this big belt here. I believe it’s called THE ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS.

Death: Shoot, if I could grow a pair of tits, I no doubt would beat that softball chick for the T&A title. Is she really a woman? Has anybody checked out her junk in the shower?

Death: Anyway…Plants. It’s going to be epic. I know you’re going to bring your best to the biggest show of the year. But just know, your best is no match for this one finger.

[Death waves his bony index finger back and forth at the camera.]

Death: On December 15, it’s “A Dr. Silaconne M. Plants Christmas.” And at MegaBrawl, SMP, you’re the retarded tree.

LA: Hail Santa!

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The Smooth Operator

November 19th, 2007
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Dr. Silaconne M. Plants

[Dr. Silaconne M. Plants is all set to do a long awaited promo, since he hasn’t done one in ages.]

SMP: …

[Unfortunately, since Dr. Plants had to join the Screen Actor’s Guild to play the part of a caveman during some GEICO commercials, he is now vitually ‘speechless’ due to the Writers Guild of America strike. Rumor has it his contract is to expire soon and thus, he’ll be able to speak freely, for whatever that’s worth.

Until then however…]

[End]

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Sweaty Fucker Free For All

November 11th, 2007
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Booger

[Booger walkin into a resturant. It’s one of those sunday mourning breakfast joint with the bar where you can see the chef cooking your eggs on that dirty ass grill. The smell of burnt eggs fills th air. Booger has a seat next to a little girl, age approximatly 12.]

Booger: Chef, get me the special.

Chef: We don’t have a special.

Booger: Yeah I’ll have that!

Chef: No, mister, you have to order something off the menu.

Booger: I’ll take a quarter pounder with cheese.

Chef:**sigh** Scrambled eggs for you mister.

Booger: Chef, I dare you, make my day!

**Booger reaches into his pocket and grabs a spoon and softly sets it on the counter, and pats it gently.**

Chef:Geez, your that spooninator guy.

Booger: I don’t see no eggs chef!

**The chef turns to the grill, and grumbles under his breath.**

Girl: Hey, mister, are you a wrestler?

Booger: Your momma’s a wrestler!

Girl: My mommy died…**frowns**

Booger: I didn’t kill the bitch.

Girl: I don’t like you mister, you’re mean!

Booger: Awww I’m sorry.

**Booger walks out the restaurant. The sun barely peaks over the horizon. An old black truck sputters in front of him with Cabass in the drivers seat. Booger Hops in and the Truck starts moving.**

Booger: What a peice of shit truck.

Cabass: That is because its your Booger. Remember you destroyed my Infinity.

Booger: Well, how was I supposed to know that wasn’t a built in urinal on the back? Beside I had a lot of crap on my mind.

Cabass: Like what?

Booger: I have a huge match this week. A battle…Battle….Bah… Bunch of sweaty fuckers in a 20 x 20 square playing grab ass…

Cabass: Battle royal?

Booger: Thats it! But I have a good strategy.

Cabass: Oh god, it doesn’t include playing dong swords again?

Booger: Nah, in dong swords crabs are like little steel chairs. I don’t wanna blow this shot.

Cabass: You have crabs?

Booger: Yeah, look.

Cabass: Booger!!!

** Booger semi-stands up in the seat and proceeds to pull his pants down, aiming his crotch at Cabass. Cabass jerks the wheel left as the other cars lay on their horns. Booger falls back into his seat, and Cabass regains control.**

Cabass: What the hell’s you problem! You could get us killed! And you can’t wrestle with crabs!

Booger: Why not? Many great wrestlers wrestled with crabs!

Cabass: Like who?

Booger: Well, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure The Fabulous Moolah…

Cabass: Booger stop.

Booger: I’m just saying.

Cabass: Well, I don’t know what’s going on in that head of yours, but we have to get to court.

Booger: What’s the case today?

Cabass: The state of Kentucky Vs. Booger. Exploding sheep.

Booger: Heh, Thats a good one. Now would you keep it down I’m trying to sleep.

Cabass: …

** Booger hunkers down into the seat and closes his eyes as Cabass continues driving with the look of disgust on his faces.**

**fade to blizak**

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Going to Nowhere?

November 7th, 2007
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The Great

(The Great is eating a lunch prepared by his wife. It’s Salisbury Hamburger Helper and pop-into-the-oven biscuits. She also microwaved some green peas.)

“The Great”: Hey, didn’t The Great have this yesterday?

The Great’s Wife: No, you had Four Cheese Lasagne. And must you call yourself The Great when you’re talking to me?

“The Great”: Of course. The Great is The Great now 24-7. The Great has to fully involve The Great’s self into The Great’s character if it’s going to be believeable. And by the way, Four Cheese Lasagne is still Hamburger Helper. Didn’t your mother ever teach you to cook real food? Or work?

The Great’s Wife: DON’T TALK ABOUT MOMMA! And being a housewife IS work!

“The Great”: You sit around all day and watch Montel and Steve Wilkos.

The Great’s Wife: I’m not the only one that watches Montel! And besides, I cook and clean all day while you work, which reminds me, why are you not at work?

“The Great”: (Looking at dirty dishes piled up in the sink) Um, The Great is still confused about the cleaning thing you just said. And The Great is not at work because The Great took a day off.

The Great’s Wife: WHAT! WHAAAAAAAT?! We’re going to lose the house!

“The Great”: The Great says calm down. The Great is expecting big things for The Great in the world of wrestling.

The Great’s Wife: Wrestling is fake, you need a REAL second job.

“The Great”: No need to worry. The Great has a feeling that The Great is going to be a big time player in wrestling. The Great is striking up interest, and The Great has learned that some main eventers got the axe in Brawler’s on a Budget, opening the door for The Great to step in and make big money.

The Great’s Wife: Big money, huh? Oh yeah, speaking of Brawlers on a Budget, you got a letter from them. They wrote on the envelope with crayon and the stamp was a smiley so I’m not so sure about that big money deal. They want your bio information.

“The Great”: You opened The Great’s mail?

The Great’s Wife: Of course, I open all your mail. Why do you think you never get those Eve’s Tease brochures? Although I think I might let you get that enhancer ring.

“The Great”: Eww. That would mean that The Great would have to have sex with you and possibly knock you up again. Isn’t three cash grubbing kids enough? I can barely keep up with Lori’s Air Force Nike collection she has going and that stupid iPod and cell phones. Why does she need 4 cell phones again? And Nick? Damn if The Great can’t keep track of X-Box 360 and Playstaion 3 games. He didn’t even play with the Playstation 2 games. Now all The Great hears is Halo 3, Halo 3, I need Halo 3. Dad, can we get Halo 3? And finally Little Johnny, does a Kindergartner really NEED Abercrombie shirts and jeans?

The Great’s Wife: Quit yer whining! They need those things!

“The Great”: The Great’s wife is confused about needs and wants. But anyway, The Great will answer the letter from Brawler’s on Budget.

Height: 5′ 11″

Weight: 225, moderatley proportioned with some slight noteable musculature.

Hometown: St. Louis, Missouri

Theme Music: (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction by The Rolling Stones

Costume: Dyed tighty whiteys, nondescript volleyball player kneepads, wrestling boots from “Discount Warehouse”

Finshing Maneuver: The Great’s Figure Eight (A Figure Four, which he applies, releases, and simply applies again.)

Wrestling Style: Sporatic fighting with grabs and chokeholds mixed in until he learns some actual moves .

Previous Convictions: None

History and Backstory: He’s just a man whose wife and kids are about to bankrupt him so he needs a second job. The bonus is it gives him a chance to stay away from home more often. He’s just an average joe trying to live the American dream and now has too many bills.

Favourite Cereal: Frosted Flakes. THEY’RE GREEEEEAT!

Make of Car: A tricked out Escalade. (yeah, the wife’s idea)

Number of Times You’ve Watched “The Sound of Music”: 27 times because the “wife likes it”.

And anything else I should know about you…
The Great looks kindo like Keanu Reeves during his Point Break days. He has his hair pulled back into a ponytail and has grown long sideburns for his “wrestling look.” He is clean shaven. And occasionally may wear sunglasses to project coolnees.

The Great’s Wife: You told me you liked The Sound of Music!

“The Great”: The Great lied to you.

The Great’s Wife: And you do not look like Keanu Reeves.

“The Great”: That’s what you told The Great on our first date.

The Great’s wife: Well, I LIED to YOU. Maybe I said I wished you looked like Keanu Reeves.

“The Great”: Whatever, The Great probably thought about the hot chick at Kinko’s every time you and The Great did it. So there.

The Great’s Wife: (obviously upset) I can’t believe you said that.

“The Great”: Oh, don’t cry. The Great was, just um, kidding. And The Great needs your assistance anyway, so The Great doesn’t want to make you too upset. The Great needs to know how to find Nowhere, Oklahoma. The Great feels the need to crash that party.

The Great’s Wife: Duh, use the OnStar, stupid.

“The Great”: (In a mock) “Duh, use the OnStar, stupid”.
Don’t you think The Great already tried that? The Great types in Nowhere and all The Great gets is a blank screen. What’s Nowehere close to? Somewhere? Over There? Talequah? Of course The Great is joking, nobody has ever heard of Talequah.

The Great’s wife: Find it yourself! It’s time for Days of our Lives!

“The Great”: Lovely. The Great will find Nowhere, Oklahoma, even if The Great has to do it all by The Great’s self. But for now, The Great has to retrieve Nick’s Smackdown vs. Raw on his PS2 and learn some maneuvers. That Trailer Hitch move looked pretty brutal, and The Great is almost certain The Great can do Suplex 13 and Clothesline 8. By the time of The Great’s debut, The Great will be a master of all kinds of offensive destruction!

And then, you will all appreciate—
THE GREAT!

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Me and Taxes

November 7th, 2007
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Death

Caption: Somewhere in Florida

[Death is sunning it up on a beach. His wife, Katie, is laying on a beach towel next to him.]

Death: Katie, what do you think of this main event I’ve got coming up at November in Nowhere.

Katie Death

Katie: Ra raaar.

Death: Yeah, I think it sucks too. I’ve got to face, what, 12 other people? Including Dr. Silaconne M. Plants, who I’m supposed to face yet again at MEGABRAWL? There’s only one thing tougher to do than to beat a guy once. It’s to beat a guy TWICE in a row. But Plants, since it’s just you, I guess it’ll be like the New England Patriots running through the Miami Dolphins twice this season. No worries on my end.

Death: Axl? You did have this title just a little while ago. And this event is in your hometown. But you know what? If this were the 1970s or 1980s, MAYBE that would matter. Wrestlers, lately, have been jobbing in their hometowns. Believe me, buddy boy, you ain’t got a shot at getting this title back around your waist again.

Death: douja? I guess it all depends on how good the weed is in Nowhere. douja’s held the gold before. But lately, he hasn’t been much of anything. He hasn’t even showed up in the Rant Zone for months, so no worries there. No interviews equal no push.

Death: Then there’s Regeneration-X. Jim and Massive Man. I’ve killed you before, Jim, and I’ll kill you good once again. And it won’t be just a glancing Touch of Death this time. Maybe I’ll give you both crotch cancer. Then when you do those crotch chops and accidentally bang your balls, they’ll rip off and roll down your legs. And you’ll step on ‘em because you won’t know they’re there! How about that, boys? Crotch rot! Let’s see you regenerate your genitals, boys.

Death: Pigeon? Please. I’ve beaten him so many times I’ve lost count. I got your “density” right here. Undietaker? Have you beaten anybody who is anybody, ever? I don’t think so. Insano Mano? I’m not gonna kill you, mainly because it’s so funny to NOT put you out of your misery, Wile E.

Death: XXXtreme Machine. Remember, the reason you’re still poor is because of me! Remember? I made a KILLING in the stock market with your back pay. And it’s been all green for Death since. That’s right, just like NBC, Death went green. And once you go green, you never go back.

Death: Kevin the Pyromaniac? Been there, killed that. Pete Trable? You haven’t done ANYTHING yet to deserve to be in this match. You’re just there to make the little girls cream themselves, maybe, I dunno.

Death: And finally…booger. Booger, boy, this ain’t a gimmick. I’m God’s hitman. I am the Death there is, the Death there was, and the Death there ever will be. And I am the ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS. Come November In Nowhere, Big Bony’s gonna collect another main event pay check. Welcome to my world, Booger. I’ll show you that the scythe is mightier than the spoon.

Death: Always remember, nothing’s for sure in life except for ME and taxes…But for now…Big Bony’s on…the….BEEEEEEEEEACH!

[Sound of a gun shot in the distance.]

Death: Crap. Katie, we have to go. Time to go to work.

Katie: Raaaar!

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Misty vs. Kelly Kapowski

November 7th, 2007
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Misty Waters

[This Rant opens in the hallway of what looks like a low-rent apartment building. Misty Waters is checking out the numbers on the doors as she passes until she finds the one she’s looking for: 2A. She knocks on the door. No response for several seconds. She knocks again. Finally, the door opens.]

Trey Vincent

Trey Vincent: Hey, Misty. Come on in.

[Trey steps aside and Misty walks in. Misty looks at the television.]

Misty: “Saved By The Bell” Trey?

TV: Uhhh….how did THAT get on.

Misty: You’re a sad, sad man.

TV: I always had a thing for Kelly Kapowski, what can I say. So what brings you to my new digs?

Misty: Well…I wanted to thank you. For the T&A XX Division title match at November In Nowhere.

TV: The bed’s right over there.

[Misty rolls her eyes.]

Misty: So that’s why I got the title shot? So I’ll sleep with you?

TV: Of course not, Misty. But I am dead serious about us. You should give us a chance. I’m a very romantic guy when we’re not in the middle of a promo.

Misty: *Sigh* Fine. I’ll go out with you. Once. And I don’t fuck on the first date.

TV: Neither do I. Now…when you say “fuck”…does that also include oral?

Misty: Trey!

TV: Just checking. Jeez. You do porn, don’t be all high and mighty on me.

Misty: Softcore, Trey. Softcore. Oooh, Montel’s on!

TV: Argh! Turn that crap off!

Misty: No, I like it. What the hell is this?

TV: There you go, Misty. Why don’t you call a psychic line and see if you’re gonna beat Nikki Mantle.

Misty: I better. She doesn’t even have a bio page.

TV: And she’s never Ranted. You should be foyne.

Misty: Foyne?

TV: *Nodding* Foyne.

Misty: So…you’re Vice Prez again, huh?

TV: You know it, darling. I’ve been making calls all morning. Speaking of…you ready to roll? That meeting got rescheduled for later this week.

Misty: Oh yeah? Cool. Yeah. Maybe you can finally take me on that date.

TV: Well…November In Nowhere is gonna be a disaster of Axl proportions. Might as well get this deal done before that debacle airs on Nickelodeon.

[Trey’s cell phone rings.]

TV: Hang on. Hello? Yes, this is Trey. Hey, man. How’s it going? When are you guys free? I’m treating you guys to lunch. Today? Sounds good. I can’t wait. BOB needs you. No, not because there’s not a TV deal without you. That’s just a silly thing to assume. *Ahem* Alright. See you around 1 p.m. today? Cool. See you then.

Misty: What was that about?

TV: Well…BOB is getting rid of some dead weight on the roster. I already fired Zeno, Paradox, Thrilla and Mylisiv. But that’s just the start. There are some great free agents just sitting at home right now, waiting for someone to come along and sign them to a contract.

Misty: Any hints who?

TV: No.

Misty: Aww…come on!

[Misty wraps her arms around Trey and puts her lips millimeters away from his.]

Misty: What if…I convinced you…with a kiss?

TV: Did I ever tell you you’re way hotter than Kelly Kapowski?

[Trey looks at the camera.]

TV: Beat it.

[Cut.]

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