The Death-ly Hallows
[We open in Afghanistan. Death is sitting on a large rock, wiping his brow. Katie Death, his zombie cheerleader wife, is pointing at him.]
KD: Rar rar!
Death: I do love your Nelson impersonation. Now, why don’t you do your Jenna Jameson impression now while I do my promo.
[Katie starts throwing her head back and forth.]
KD: Raaar! Raaaar! Raaar!
Death: *Sigh* Never mind. Go eat some brains or something.
[Katie shuffles away.]
Death: You know why Katie was doing her Nelson Muntz impersonation at me? Because she realizes, like I do, the mess that is becoming of this tag team title match. Not only do I have to deal with the only guy in BOB who is gayer than Dumbledore, but I’ve also got to deal with you…Axl. BWAHAHAHA! Just kidding, Plants. I know you’re not gay. Hey, seriously, my props on boning Heidi. Maybe I’ll give her a bone of my own at Massively Cool. Think about it, Heidi. I’ll give a whole new meaning to the term “skullfuck.”
Death: But SMP, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your name might as well be Gellert Grindelwad. Just like that black wizard, you’re one of the most dangerous heel wrestlers of all time, but you’re second only to me. And that tag partner of yours sure has some unrequited feelings for you. I think he wants to get hold of your “elder wand.” Oh yeah, Plants. And as legend has it, the supposedly unbeatable Grindewald loses to Dumbledore, if Wikipedia is to be believed. You seriously think I read “Harry Potter”?
Death: So what’s this all mean? It means you may need to worry more about Axl than about me at Massively Cool, because Heidi might not even let me get in the ring. But if I do, remember, Big Bony is the measuring stick. I’ve got a certain title that you could only dream about buying, let alone winning. And Van Halen? XXXtreme Machine laughs at you. I think he’s fingerbanging Tifa while I speak.
[Katie shuffles back on-screen, her face covered in blood.]
Death: Guys from the Netherworld never lose. And you’re gonna find that out first-hand at Massively Cool. There are many imposters in the world, but remember this boys. There’s only one Death. And there’s only ONE WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS.
KD: Here’s your Harry Potter book back.
Death: Hey! The camera didn’t fade to black yet!
KD: Whoops! I mean…rar?
[Fade to--
Death: NOOOOO!
--black.]