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Training (Part 4)

October 13th, 2007

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[We open to a cartoon playing on a television set with sumo robots fighting skinny robots. Kevin, however, is not watching this and we see him punching a cardboard cutout of Trey Vincent. Spotting him is an asian looking guy named Patrick.]

Kevin: Stupid Trey Vincent stealing my identity. I can’t use my credit cards, the library wont let me borrow any Dumas books… son of a bitch.

Patrick: I like him.

Kevin: Yeah, well you’re gay.

Patrick: No I’m not! Look, if you’re so pissed at him why don’t you just call him out on it?

Kevin: Are you insane? The guy’s a real wrestler! Do you know what it’s like being a stupid gimmick in a parody fed where everyone looks down on you?

Patrick: Hey, isn’t that breaking…

Kevin: And he’ll have me jobbing to that speech impediment wielding freak XXXtreme Machine for all eternity if I say anything about.

[He holds his head in his hands.]

Kevin: I’m crushed.

[He takes one big swing at the cardboard cutout and knocks it over on top of himself.]

Referee: 1,2,3!

[Patrick grabs Kevin’s hand and pulls him up.]

Patrick: Pull yourself together, you’ve got a chance of winning a shot at the Swiss Army Belt soon so these guys can’t possible look down on you that much. Look on the bright side of life and reach for the stars!

Kevin: You’re so fake these days.

Patrick: And you’re a wanker.

Kevin: Don’t talk like that, you know I hate those limey bastards!

Patrick: Just forget about this stolen identity stuff, watch some TV and start focusing on this match… it’s going to take a miracle for you to win.

Kevin: Gee, thanks.

[Kevin and Patrick sit down to watch cartoons and take a rest from jobbing to inanimate objects. We fade out as some superhero crushes a car with his bare hands.]

rant

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