**Previously on 24**
Cabass: We need to get out! The whole place is gonna blow!
Booger: Just a sec, I can do this!
**Booger is holding wire cutters staring at a bomb. He keeps moving the cutter to two different wires.**
Booger: Red wire, blue wire, red wire, blue wire…
Cabass: There’s no time. Let’s go.
Booger: It says it has 3 minutes left!
Cabass: Idiot, that’s seconds! Were gonna die!
**Booger stands up and they start running a huge explosion takes place behind them as the jump out of a 14th floor window. The scene suddenly cuts to a base of operations. Booger and A woman are arguing.**
Booger: I said I wanted mustard on this sandwich!
Woman: What sandwich? You’re holding a PSP!!
Booger: So what you’re saying is I shouldn’t have put ketchup on it?
**Scene suddenly cuts to a huge explosion and a bunch of cars crashing into each other in an intersection. An old man in a wheel chair sits at one of the corners of the sidewalk holding a rocket launcher.**
Old Man: This is Murdoc. Mission Accomplished.
**Finally the scene cuts to Booger getting on a motorcycle on a JFK Airport runway. A plane is slowly departing for takeoff ahead of him.**
Scully: Booger, you have to catch that plane!
Booger: Don’t worry baby….I will…
**He puts on his Riddick goggles; kick starts the engine and heads out toward the plane. In a daring maneuver Booger jumps off his motorcycle onto the landing gear and climbs up into the compartment. The scene fades to black.**
**The following takes place between 8pm and 9pm.**
Booger: The following takes place between 8pm and 9pm
**The scene fades into the cabin of a 747. Flight 103 headed for LA. Booger and Cabass are sitting next to each other.**
Cabass: Wake up man, you’re dreaming.
**Booger stirs in his seat for a while and then finally opens his eyes. He then realizes where he is and his eyes widen.**
Booger: There’s a bomb on this plane!
Cabass: Shhhh! What the hell are you trying to do? Get us arrested?
Booger: Get arrested for trying to save everybody? I highly doubt it.
Cabass: Where the hell did you suddenly get the idea there was a bomb on the plane?
Booger: Don’t you remember? I chased the plane with my motorcycle and got on board while it was taking off. The terrorists must have found me and drugged me.
Cabass: What the hell are you talking about? That never happened. We’re on this plane so you can go talk to Brad Pitt for some stupid ass reason.
Booger: Tyler Durdin you mean?
Cabass: Whatever. But even you last week were calling him Brad Pitt…
Booger: Of course. He hides his identity all the time. He doesn’t want people to know he’s in charge of Fight Club.
Cabass: Whatever. So what was this story you were telling me about chasing the plane? Some sort of dream?
Booger: I have no idea what you’re talking about. I wasn’t chasing any plane.
Cabass: What? You just said you did like 2 minutes ago!
Booger: Shut up! You want to blow my cover? We need to lay low until we can talk with Tyler, he should know what’s going on.
Cabass: **Rolls his eyes.** But I thought you said there was “a bomb on the plane.”
**A stewardess walks by.**
Booger: Whatever you say, stranger! I certainly don’t know you at all!
Cabass: Knock it off man. Just shut up and go back to sleep.
**He turns to look and Taft has already fallen back to sleep.**
Cabass: Thank god…
**He leans his head back and drifts off to sleep.**
-Several hours later-
Stewardess: Attention passengers we will be arriving at our destination shortly. The captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign as we may experience turbulence on our decent. Have a great day and thank you for flying American Airlines.
**Cabass awoke during the announcement. He turns to see that Booger is gone. He looks around for a while but there is no sign of him. He signals the stewardess.**
Cabass: Excuse me, miss. Have you seen the gentleman who was sitting with me?
Stewardess: He went to the bathroom about 20 minutes ago. I couldn’t tell you what’s taking so long.
Cabass: Thanks. I’ll go get him.
Stewardess: No, the captain has turned on the seatbelt sign, you must remain seated. I’ll check on him.
**She goes back to the bathroom door as the camera follows. She knocks.**
Stewardess: Excuse me, sir. The captain has ordered all passengers to their seats. Sir?
**No answer. The stewardess gets fed up and grabs a set of keys off the wall behind her.**
Stewardess: If this is another one of those perverts wanting to surprise me with his dong I’m going to go mental.
**She opens the door but no one is inside.**
Stewardess: What the….?
**The scene fades into a black and white flashback. Booger is heading for the bathroom and he bumps into the stewardess.**
Booger: Outta my way! Gotta poop!
**The stewardess shudders and Booger walks into the bathroom.**
Booger: That ought to give me some cover.
**He walks back out of the bathroom, locking and closing the door behind him. He looks around to make sure no one is watching and heads for the cargo compartment. The scene fades back in and the stewardess heads toward Cabass’ seat.**
Stewardess: Sir, your friend wasn’t in there.
Cabass: Really? Well, I’m sure he’s alright. Where could he go, we’re on a plane?
**The plane lands. Cabass gets off and decides to wait for Cabass near the baggage claim. Suddenly we hear some sort of commotion, Cabass and the camera turn to look. Booger is coming out on the conveyor belt with his head shoved inside a duffle bag. Booger walks over to him.**
Cabass: What the hell are you doing?
Booger: Looking for the bomb.
**He pulls his head out and a pair of pink panties are hanging from his right ear.**
Booger: Not in here…
Woman: What the hell are you doing with my bag?!?
Booger: Looking for clues.
**Booger takes the panties off his ear, he inspects them closely and sniffs them.**
Booger: Hmmmm….. You don’t smell like a terrorist.
Woman: YOU PERVERT!!!
Cabass: I assure you ma’am, he has no idea what he’s doing. I’m really sorry. He’s an idiot.
Booger: I am? Oh wait, I mean *Ahem*…Yes, I am! What’s your name beautiful?
Woman: Just give me my stuff!
**She rips he items out of Booger’s hands and walks away in a moderately fast fashion.**
Cabass: Smooth moves.
Booger: I know. Did you see how she looked at me?
Cabass: Like she wanted to kill you?
Booger: Yeah, and she didn’t end up killing me. Obviously she wasn’t a terrorist. Smooth detective moves on my part indeed.
Cabass: Sure, ok. Whatever. So we’re here, what next?
Booger: Hmmmm….Phone Book!
Cabass: I guess it’s worth a shot.
**They walk over to a nearby payphone and grab the phonebook. Cabass turns to the Ps.**
Booger: What are you doing? You have to look under D idiot!
Cabass: Booger, his name is Brad Pitt.
Booger: Um, no. We went over this before…
Cabass: No Booger, if you want to find him I have to look under Pitt.
Booger: Look, if you aren’t going to take this seriously I’m leaving.
**Booger starts walking away.**
Cabass: Whatever. He’s not in here anyway.
**Booger turns around.**
Booger: Well, how the hell are we supposed to find him now?
Cabass: Didn’t think this out very well did you? Don’t know why I even bothered coming along.
Booger: I don’t know why I bothered coming along either…
Cabass: Wha? Nevermind…. Let’s just get out of the airport and see if we can ask someone, maybe they’ll know.
Booger: Alright, whatever.
**They walk outside of the airport and up to a taxi.**
Cabass: Hey, you know where we might find someone like Brad Pitt around here?
Cabby: Sure, he should be right down there on that Hollywood Boulevard. You want I could take you guys?
Cabass: Uh, sure. Why the hell not…
**They get inside the back seat of the taxi. The cabby sets the meter and takes off.**
Cabby: Why you guys want to see Brad Pitt? You aren’t a couple of those type of guys are ya? Cuz if you want I can make a trip to San Francisco. Heh heh…
Cabass: You should do stand up, that was pretty funny.
Cabby: Ya think so? I really need to get out of this cab.
Cabass: Yeah, I think you’d do wonderful.
Booger: We aren’t seeing Brad Pitt anyway. So take your gay jokes elsewhere.
Cabby: Ok, sorry. Jeeze didn’t mean to hit a nerve there.
Cabass: He’s a little edgy, we just had an argument a few minutes ago.
Cabby: Lovers quarrel eh? Well, I let you to have at it outside cuz we’re at your stop.
Cabass: That was fast.
Cabby: Nah,This part was just getting pretty pointless and boring. And I sure as hell wasn’t funny. Later guys.
Cabass: Uh, ok.
**They get out of the cab and it takes off. The road sign above their heads reads “Hollywood Blvd.”**
Cabass: That was odd…
Booger: I’m just glad it’s over. We’re back in the same situation again, we have no idea where he could be.
Cabass: You’re acting like I’m the one that wanted to come out here and see him. It’s your fault we have no idea…..wait, I DO have an idea…
Booger: Start screaming his name? Ok. TYLER!! WHERE ARE YOU, TYLER?!!
Cabass: Not right in my ear! Jesus, what the hell? No, and nice job screaming his “Fight Club” name by the way. Really covert. Anyway, my plan is to take one of those Hollywood tour buses and when we hopefully get a clue as to his whereabouts we can just lead off of that.
Booger: Tour bus? With like Coal Chamber or something?
Cabass: Not a band’s tour bus, asshole. One of those.
**Cabass points to a double-tiered tour bus parked on the other side of the street.**
Cabass: And besides does Coal Chamber even tour anymore?
Booger: Who? I have no idea what you’re talking about, let’s just get on this stupid bus thingy.
Cabass: **Sigh** Yes, lets.
**They get on the bus, pay and sit on the top open tier as to get a better view of the sights.**
Tour Guide: Hello, my name is David Copperfield the famous magician!
**The audience says nothing.**
Copperfield: Fucking David Blane, no one cares about me anymore…now I’m stuck doing shitty Hollywood tours…my life is worthless…
**He starts to cry to himself, the audience still blankly stares at him. The bus starts to drive.**
Copperfield: OK! Anyway, here we are on beautiful Hollywood Boulevard! How many people have been here before? Raise your hand.
**No response from the audience at all.**
Copperfield: Good, good. We’ll start of with an interesting tidbit. Did you guys know that this bus is the bus that Jimmy Hoffa was killed on?
Man: Jimmy Hoffa wasn’t killed, he disappeared.
Copperfield: Or so the government wants you to think…
Booger: Who the hell is Jimmy Hoffa?
Cabass: President of the Teamsters Union, dissapered without a trace one day in like ’75. Dunno what he has to do with Hollywood though.
Booger: I wasn’t even born in ’75. That stuff never happened.
Cabass: Just because something happened before you were born doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen. What, you think the world didn’t exist before you were born?
Booger: Look man, I’m not even from this planet. I’m a Furian from…Plant Fury I suppose..
Cabass: Whatever you say “Riddick”.
Copperfield: Riddick? THE Riddick? Ladies and gentlemen sitting behind you is the one and only Vin Deisel!
**Audience turns around amazed, a few people take pictures of Booger.**
Booger: The names just Riddick, thanks.
Cabass: Actually he’s Booger the wrestler who has been fired from more federations…
Child: He can’t be, the Booger on TV is a MUCH uglier man.
Booger: Watch your mouth kid before I kill you with my teacup!
Child: You don’t even have a teacup.
Booger: Yeah, well I have a teabag!
**Booger stands up and starts unzipping his pants. The child’s mother gasps and covers her son’s eyes but looks on intently. Cabass grabs Booger and sits him down.**
Cabass: What the hell? What did I say about that shit?
Booger: **Sigh** No more dong swords in public…
Cabass: Yeah. Now can we get back to this tour please David? My friend Booger and I are on a tight schedule.
Copperfield: Sure thing. Across the street in that restaurant is where Paris Hilton was caught giving a BJ to her own Chihuahua. And on your right you’ll see Bill Cosby eating an ice cream sandwich…
**The tour is full of interesting places and people. Forty minutes go by.**
Copperfield: And on your left you’ll see where Josh Hartnett….
Copperfield:…filmed the movie, 40 Days and 40 Nights.
Copperfield: Oh, and on the right you’ll see the luxurious mansion of Mr. Brad Pitt.
Cabass: Booger! That’s it!
**Booger had been sleeping but now wakes up in a daze.**
Booger: I don’t want to ride the monkey machine mommy!
Booger: Monkey….whatever, Booger that’s Brad…errr…Tyler’s house!
Booger: Oh my god! This is our stop!
**Booger grabs Cabass by the collar of his shirt and jumps off the side of the bus. The bus audience screams. They both land tumbling down the sidewalk. After a few moments they clamor to their feet.**
Cabass: That fucking hurt man.
Booger: Doesn’t hurt as bad as your wife.
Cabass: How many times do I have to tell you I don’t have a wife?
Booger: Probably millions but I still won’t listen because she’s so fucking good in bed.
**Cabass laughs a bit.**
Cabass: You really crack me up sometimes…you stupid fuck. Let’s just get to that mansion.
**They walk a few blocks back to Brad Pitt’s mansion. They walk up to the gate and over to a little intercom.**
Booger: Let me talk to him. He should recognize me from Fight Club.
Cabass: Go right ahead man, this is all you.
**Booger presses the buzzer. A voice comes over the intercom.**
Voice: Please use the phone next to the touchscreen.
**He picks up the phone and places it to his ear. We cannot hear what is being said on the other side.**
Booger: Hi, yeah, I’m here to see Tyler Durdin, I have an appointment. What do you mean this isn’t his house, I had very viable information that this was his place of residence. No, who the hell is Brad Pitt? I’m talking about Tyler Durdin from Fight Club. Movie? Why does everyone keep saying that? Alright, I’ll hold.
**Turns to Cabass.**
Booger: Said they were going to get him to give me a personal message. You got a pen?
Cabass: Yeah, here.
Booger: Thanks. Hello? Yeah, I’m here. You have a message for me tyler? Yeah, I have a pen and paper. Ok…yup. Alright, now how do you spell that? Alright. Now does that have two Qs or just one? None? Are you sure there’s none? Ok, whatever you say man, you’re the boss. Ok, thanks, bye. Good news, this is just what I wanted.
Cabass: Let me see.
**Booger hands the paper over to Cabass.**
Cabass: Booger all this says is “GO AWAY!” and then in little writing you wrote that my wife was hot.
Booger: He also told me he’d call the cops if we didn’t leave.
Cabass: How the hell is that good news?
Booger: Because it’s just as I had suspected, he’s being held captive in the house, it was his way of telling me to call the cops to save him. But he doesn’t know who I am, so I’m going in after him.
**Booger runs toward the gate, jumps at it and climbs over it. A nearby alarm starts going off. Booger roundhouse kicks it and runs up the huge lawn. He reaches the mansion and hides against the side of the building. Guards rush out a nearby door and Booger takes the opportunity to sneak in behind them. The guards rush the gate and grab Cabass.**
Cabass: Well isn’t this a familiar feeling, thanks again Booger…
Guard: Shut up!
**The guard tazers Cabass. Scene cuts back inside the mansion. Booger is hiding in a hallway peeking his head out to scope the area.**
Booger: Two guards patrolling the upstairs hallway. If I can take out the power box it should go Pitch Black in here. Thanks for the tip Splinter Cell…
**Booger makes his way to the basement and throws the main breaker. Everything goes dark.**
Booger: Good ol’ nightvision.
**After a few moments we can hear a lot of commotion. The sound of people fist fighting and falling can be heard. We hear footsteps running up what seams to be a flight of stairs. And finally we hear the sound of silenced tranq dart shots and then nothing. The scene fades into a local jail, Cabass is sitting on a bench on one side of a cell while Booger is laying unconscious on the other side. He begins to stir and sits up. He looks over at Cabass.**
Cabass: This is the second time I’ve been put in jail because of you. And this time your company isn’t going to get me out…
Booger: Bitch, bitch, bitch! You sound just like Scully. “You got me put in jail.”, “My brother is dead.”, “I don’t even have a wife.” Blah, blah, blah.
Cabass: You’re lucky those guards tazered the shit out of me because I would beat you ass so bad.
Booger: You couldn’t even, I’m a wrestler remember?
Cabass: I was one too, before i became a lawyer. And Booger, don’t give yourself too much credit, I think your losing streak says otherwise.
Booger: Whatever. I won my last match.
Cabass: Really cuz from where I and EVERYONE ELSE was sitting it sure looked like a draw to me.
Booger: Well, I had the match won is what I meant…
Cabass: Didn’t look that way to me. You wrestle even worse than before, what the hell was up with those ninja roles?
Booger: I was dodging blows duh!
Cabass: No one was around you.
Booger: Not that you saw.
Cabass:Goe to sleep Booger.
** Booger lays back down and the scene fades to black.**