[Inside Room 429, Trey Vincent is flipping through channels on the hospital television.]
Trey Vincent: Hold on. Trey Vincent’s been in a coma since 2006, and somehow “Big Brother” is STILL on TV? People in this country are retarded.
Kay Fabe: Well, well, well.
TV: Kay Fabe? Boy are YOU a sight for horny eyes!
KF: Easy, big fella. Seth’s parking the car.
TV: Seth’s here? Sweet!
KF: Yeah, he probably won’t make it into this Rant though.
TV: We’re ranting?
[Trey looks over and sees the camera.]
TV: The FUCK? For an unorganized low budget sports entertainment federation, these camera dudes always end up just in time for me to post something to the Rant Zone.
KF: Actually…they’re here for me.
KF: Yeah. See…you actually don’t work for a low budget unorganized sports entertainment federation.
TV: BOB finally went out of business? It’s about time! Trey Vincent knew BOB couldn’t survive without Trey Vincent’s charisma and brains. So, what promotion you in now, honey?
TV: … Didn’t you just say BOB went out of business without Trey Vincent’s creative genius steering the ship to the promised land of Comedy Central?
KF: Well, there’s a lot we need to catch you up on.
TV: Are you sure Trey Vincent can’t just throw you over the bed and have Trey Vincent’s way with you? Trey Vincent’s been in a coma for a year. It won’t last long.
TV: What? Sorry! Geez. You’re fucking hot, honey.
KF: BOB is still in business.
KF: BOB is NOT on Comedy Central.
TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! Trey Vincent KNEW it! Even in Trey Vincent’s coma, Trey Vincent swears Trey Vincent somehow knew that BOB was going to blow it. Alright…what else?
KF: You don’t work for BOB. Your contract…well…you couldn’t sign one because you were in a coma.
TV: Contract? BigBOSS got people to sign CONTRACTS? Legal documents?
KF: Yeah, go fig. Anyway…also, Steve and Seth lost their jobs as well. They were attacked by some masked guys with waffle makers. They were unable to fulfill their contracts due to injuries, so BigBOSS found some loophole and fired them. And Atomo. And Sarah.
TV: … Jobber Slaying Sarah? SHE GOT FIRED? Whoops. Sorry about the yelling. Stupid caps lock.
TV: Gotcha! There couldn’t be a caps lock because this is all real. *Wink*
KF: STOP THAT!
TV: Kay, your caps lock is on! BWAHAHAHA!
[Kay grabs him by the balls.]
KF: Sports entertainment IS real.
KF: Ewwww! You just splooged all over my hand.
[Kay runs to the bathroom and starts washing off her hands in the sink.]
TV: Told you it wouldn’t take long!
KF: I would so sue you if you had any money.
TV: What do you mean IF Trey Vincent had any money? Trey Vincent is LOADED. Where is Seth? Is he parking in slow motion again? Fuckin’ cruiserweight.
KF: Probably. But Trey…you aren’t loaded anymore. Your ex-wife cleaned you out.
TV: Ex-wife? Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! Nurse Heidi divorced me?
KF: You weren’t married to Nurse Heidi. You were married to Michelle.
TV: Huh? Trey Vincent could have SWORN Trey Vincent was married to Nurse Heidi. She was getting awfully intimate with that loofa.
KF: I think that was one of the nurses in this hospital.
TV: Trey Vincent’ll probably be picking bits of sponge out of Trey Vincent’s sphincter for the next year.
[Kay returns to bedside.]
TV: So…Michelle divorced Trey Vincent while Trey Vincent was in a coma. She get all Trey Vincent’s money?
KF: I think so. Plus…well…there are hospital bills. You’ll probably be in debt for the rest of your life.
TV: Shit. She got Trey Vincent’s penthouse. Trey Vincent’s Jeep? Trey Vincent’s BOOZE? That isn’t right, Kay.
KF: I know.
[A nurse walks into the room.]
Nurse: Just need to check in on my favorite patient.
TV: Missing any sponges?
TV: Nothing, honey.
[She starts checking Trey’s pulse. Trey’s eyes roll back into his head, but nobody seems to notice. Once she lets go, Trey returns to normal.]
TV: Oh, nurse. That guy who got your pregnant…Ken Rosenberg…and then said he got kidnapped by the Bush administration is actually living in Carcer City. Oh…I think little Bobby’s first tooth just popped up. Isn’t that special.
Nurse: My god, how did you know all that?
TV: Know what?
Nurse: I’ve got to call my lawyer. Thanks, Trey. I love you!
[She kisses him on the lips and then starts running out of the room.]
TV: Trey Vincent loves you, too! Come back later and PROPERLY THANK ME!
KF: What was THAT?
TV: Dunno. So…shit. Look at Trey Vincent, Kay. Trey Vincent is half the man he used to be. Can you do Trey Vincent a favor? Somewhere in Trey Vincent’s belongings is a little black book. Trey Vincent need you to look under “A” and find a listing for my doctor…Dr. Astin. Trey Vincent needs to get back in shape.
KF: Oh, Trey, there’s one last thing I meant to tell you…