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A Sight For Horny Eyes…

August 30th, 2007
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Kay Fabe

[Inside Room 429, Trey Vincent is flipping through channels on the hospital television.]

Trey Vincent: Hold on. Trey Vincent’s been in a coma since 2006, and somehow “Big Brother” is STILL on TV? People in this country are retarded.

Kay Fabe: Well, well, well.

Trey Vincent

TV: Kay Fabe? Boy are YOU a sight for horny eyes!

KF: Easy, big fella. Seth’s parking the car.

TV: Seth’s here? Sweet!

KF: Yeah, he probably won’t make it into this Rant though.

TV: We’re ranting?

[Trey looks over and sees the camera.]

TV: The FUCK? For an unorganized low budget sports entertainment federation, these camera dudes always end up just in time for me to post something to the Rant Zone.

KF: Actually…they’re here for me.

TV: You?

KF: Yeah. See…you actually don’t work for a low budget unorganized sports entertainment federation.

TV: BOB finally went out of business? It’s about time! Trey Vincent knew BOB couldn’t survive without Trey Vincent’s charisma and brains. So, what promotion you in now, honey?

KF: BOB.

TV: … Didn’t you just say BOB went out of business without Trey Vincent’s creative genius steering the ship to the promised land of Comedy Central?

KF: Well, there’s a lot we need to catch you up on.

TV: Are you sure Trey Vincent can’t just throw you over the bed and have Trey Vincent’s way with you? Trey Vincent’s been in a coma for a year. It won’t last long.

KF: Trey!

TV: What? Sorry! Geez. You’re fucking hot, honey.

KF: BOB is still in business.

TV: Okay…

KF: BOB is NOT on Comedy Central.

TV: BWAHAHAHAHA! Trey Vincent KNEW it! Even in Trey Vincent’s coma, Trey Vincent swears Trey Vincent somehow knew that BOB was going to blow it. Alright…what else?

KF: You don’t work for BOB. Your contract…well…you couldn’t sign one because you were in a coma.

TV: Contract? BigBOSS got people to sign CONTRACTS? Legal documents?

KF: Yeah, go fig. Anyway…also, Steve and Seth lost their jobs as well. They were attacked by some masked guys with waffle makers. They were unable to fulfill their contracts due to injuries, so BigBOSS found some loophole and fired them. And Atomo. And Sarah.

TV: … Jobber Slaying Sarah? SHE GOT FIRED? Whoops. Sorry about the yelling. Stupid caps lock.

KF: Trey!

TV: Gotcha! There couldn’t be a caps lock because this is all real. *Wink*

KF: STOP THAT!

TV: Kay, your caps lock is on! BWAHAHAHA!

[Kay grabs him by the balls.]

TV: Ipe!

KF: Sports entertainment IS real.

TV: Yes…ma’am…oooooohyeahhhh!

KF: Ewwww! You just splooged all over my hand.

[Kay runs to the bathroom and starts washing off her hands in the sink.]

TV: Told you it wouldn’t take long!

KF: I would so sue you if you had any money.

TV: What do you mean IF Trey Vincent had any money? Trey Vincent is LOADED. Where is Seth? Is he parking in slow motion again? Fuckin’ cruiserweight.

KF: Probably. But Trey…you aren’t loaded anymore. Your ex-wife cleaned you out.

TV: Ex-wife? Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA! Nurse Heidi divorced me?

KF: You weren’t married to Nurse Heidi. You were married to Michelle.

TV: Huh? Trey Vincent could have SWORN Trey Vincent was married to Nurse Heidi. She was getting awfully intimate with that loofa.

KF: I think that was one of the nurses in this hospital.

TV: Trey Vincent’ll probably be picking bits of sponge out of Trey Vincent’s sphincter for the next year.

KF: Again…ewww.

[Kay returns to bedside.]

TV: So…Michelle divorced Trey Vincent while Trey Vincent was in a coma. She get all Trey Vincent’s money?

KF: I think so. Plus…well…there are hospital bills. You’ll probably be in debt for the rest of your life.

TV: Shit. She got Trey Vincent’s penthouse. Trey Vincent’s Jeep? Trey Vincent’s BOOZE? That isn’t right, Kay.

KF: I know.

[A nurse walks into the room.]

Nurse: Just need to check in on my favorite patient.

TV: Missing any sponges?

Nurse: Pardon?

TV: Nothing, honey.

[She starts checking Trey’s pulse. Trey’s eyes roll back into his head, but nobody seems to notice. Once she lets go, Trey returns to normal.]

TV: Oh, nurse. That guy who got your pregnant…Ken Rosenberg…and then said he got kidnapped by the Bush administration is actually living in Carcer City. Oh…I think little Bobby’s first tooth just popped up. Isn’t that special.

Nurse: Uh…what?

TV: Huh?

Nurse: My god, how did you know all that?

TV: Know what?

Nurse: I’ve got to call my lawyer. Thanks, Trey. I love you!

[She kisses him on the lips and then starts running out of the room.]

TV: Trey Vincent loves you, too! Come back later and PROPERLY THANK ME!

KF: What was THAT?

TV: Dunno. So…shit. Look at Trey Vincent, Kay. Trey Vincent is half the man he used to be. Can you do Trey Vincent a favor? Somewhere in Trey Vincent’s belongings is a little black book. Trey Vincent need you to look under “A” and find a listing for my doctor…Dr. Astin. Trey Vincent needs to get back in shape.

KF: Oh, Trey, there’s one last thing I meant to tell you…

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Low Budget Tales Of Cliched Horror

August 28th, 2007
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Trey Vincent

Caption: Minneapolis, Minnesota

[The scene opens with a shot of the outside of a hospital. Cut inside to a hallway. A nurse with what looks like herpes on her lip is whistling a happy tune. Sounds like “Coma” by Guns N Roses. Quite an odd tune to be whistling in a hospital. Especially outside of Room 429. Where HE is. I’d tell you who “he” is, but I’m not supposed to, since it’s a secret. Unless you have half a brain. Although, you DO like BOB, so maybe you qualify…

[Anyway…In a lifetime of hope, in a second of kindness. There is never a doubt that we are born and die alone. From within or without, there’s no way they can find us. When they knock at the door, the lights are on, but we ain’t home. Up here in Room 429, the world ain’t so unkind. In this room, he was laying motionless in a bed that was on a floor made of tiles, and held up by support beams of some sort. What am I, a construction expert? He lay motionless under a blanket. An ugly beige blanket. He was just a shell of his former self. You wouldn’t even recognize him. But you couldn’t anyway, since I’m not letting you see his face or telling you his name. Oh, it’s prominently displayed right there on his chart. DON’T LOOK, ASSHOLE! Don’t you dare!

[But before we get to who he is, or how I know that he’s about to become relevant to this RP, we should take a peek inside his mind. We can do this. I have great powers. Don’t believe me? Check this out:]

FIRST PERSON DREAMER: Okay…orange window treatments? What decade are you living in, buddy? Reality check! It’s 2006! Your feng shui called and wants to know when it can come back, girlfriend. And double curtain rods are soooo 1980s.

[Hold on, hold on. Uh…yeah. Maybe we’ll check back in a few more minutes.]

[OK, now let’s check.]

FPD: Why, yes, Paris Hilton, I would love nothing more than to have long conversations with you about abstinence and sobriety for the rest of my life.

Paris Hilton: And I’m having my vagina removed and my ass sewn shut. This way I can just shit out my mouth.

FPD: Awesome!

PH: I’m hot!

[She opens her mouth and farts.]

[Um…wow. I guess we’re still just a few seconds too early. Dude is seriously in hell right now. But it’s about to get worse! You’re looking at our man, a sports entertainer-slash-TV show host who hates his fans almost as much as he hates…himself. Tonight, he’ll learn that it doesn’t take a lot of special effects or an original script to come face to face with his worst nightmare…his soul.]

Caption: Low Budget Tales Of Cliched Horror

Narrator: On Low Budget Tales Of Cliched Horror!

[Our First Person Dreamer guzzles a beer.]

Caption: “A TV Show From Hell”

FPD: Captions? In a dream? Weird…

Radio Announcer: It’s 2:15 a.m. Minneapolis, and it’s time for the man you looove to hate. He’s taking your calls.

[A picture on the wall of our man, with the words “He’s Mad As Hell!” underneath.]

Radio Announcer: And he’s mad as hell at 666-DVIL! It’s Erty Ecinntv!

FPD: It’s 2:15 and I’m Erty Ecinntv. What are you doing awake? I hate you all!

*Rumble of thunder*

FPD: Almost as much as I hate myself. Line 1, hello!

Line 1: I just wanna say I really love your matches and I think you’re–

FPD: Shut up! I hate you!

*Rumble of thunder*

FPD: Line 2, hello!

Line 2: What’s your problem, Ecinntv? What did you do, sell your soul to the devil or somethin’?

FPD: Line 3, hello!

Line 3: Erty, I’m 16, and I’m feelin’ really depressed and confused and I don’t know what to do.

FPD: Go kill yourself! Don’t waste my time. Don’t worry, no one will miss you. OK, we’ll be back with more of your miserable calls right after this.

[He guzzles a beer, then starts coughing.]

FPD: I gotta quit drinking.

TV Commercial (Background): Banging chicks, banging chicks, I love banging chicks…

FPD: Geez it’s hot in here.

[The thermostat quickly rises all the way up to about 130 degrees.]

Evil Voice: Ecinntv! It’s time!

FPD: Who said that?

[He looks out the window.]

FPD: Crazy marks.

*Rumble of thunder*

FPD: Alright, we’re back. And you’re still calling! How pathetic. Line 6, hello!

Evil Voice: How hot do you think it is in HELL?

FPD: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask your mother? Line 4, hell–OWW.

Evil Voice: You leave my mother out of this. You’re all alone now Erty. Feeling warm? Channel 66.6? What a coincidence! Time is running out on your Satanex clock. You’re looking a little tortured, Erty! Relax, guy, you hungry? Want to borrow my pitchfork! DO I HAVE TO COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT!

FPD: Those crazy marks! Line 1, hello!

Line 1: Erty? This is Taylor.

FPD: Why are you calling? Didn’t you get it when I broke up with you? I HATE you!

Line 1: Almost as much as you hate yourself? Oh, Erty, I love you! Let’s go away. Like when we went to that swinging resort in the mountains. Things can be good again. You’ve got to believe that they can.

*Rumble of thunder*

FPD: Crank call…Line 2, hello!

*Rumble of thunder*

Evil Voice: Good one, Ecinntv. I never liked the mountains anyway. Too chilly. *Evil laugh*

FPD: Why don’t you just show yourself…face to face!

Evil Voice: Yes, well, I’d love to! But I think it’ll be a lot scarier for you to imagine what I look like. Oooh, there’s horns on your poster…I wonder what that means? Your “on the air” sign is getting red. Interesting! Time’s still running out, Ecinntv. It’s getting so hot in here…

[The thermostat quickly rises all the way up to about 130 degrees…again.]

FPD: Hey, you already used that shot.

Evil Voice: Here at WDVL. Get it? Pleased to meet you, WON’T YOU GUESS MY NAME?

FPD: LINE 1, hello!

[The clock is dripping with blood.]

Evil Voice: Have a little sympathy for me!

FPD: Those crazy marks! I hate them!

Evil Voice: As much as you hate yourself?

FPD: I will not go with you to HELL!

Evil Voice: Go with me? NEWSFLASH! You’re already in Hell!

[The door crashes open.]

BigBOSS: Hey, Trey!

[Back in Room 429, “he” woke up screaming. A nurse runs into the room.]

Nurse: What’s the matter?

Voice: Trey Vincent just dreamt Trey Vincent was trapped inside Ben Stiller! Where the FUCK is Trey Vincent?

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The Church Of Santa

August 25th, 2007
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Lord Athackkimentham

[We open in a red and white room that is lit only by red and white candles. The camera cuts to the side quickly to see Uber Vampire Warrior “necking” with someone in a pew. “Jingle Bells” is playing on a small clock radio CD player combo. Lord Athackkimentham steps up to a podium. Behind the podium hanging on the wall is a giant candy cane.]

Uber Vampire Warrior

LA: Please rise.

LA: I said, please RISE!

[Uber Vamp stumbles to his feet. The girl doesn’t move.]

LA: Damnit, Uber Vamp. How are we ever supposed to bring in new Church Of Santa members? This is a disgrace. You keep eating everybody.

[Uber Vamp shrugs and wipes his mouth on his white sleeve.]

LA: In the name of the Claus, The Elves and the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

UVW: Amen!

LA: May Santa be with you.

UVW: And also with you.

LA: Today, I’d like to address Kurt Angel and douja. Boys, Santa knows your weaknesses. He knows just how to tempt you. Resistance against Santa is futile. Just sit on Santa’s knee and tell him what you want. He wants to give it to you. Only Santa can fulfill your needs and desires. You want a DVD player? Maybe an XBOX? How about a bong? Yeah, you boys like bongs.

LA: Those other religions tell you it’s good to not have things. Well, they’re wrong. It’s not that bad being greedy. What do you want, to go to heaven? Please. As if you boys even have a chance of that happening. Kurt keeps getting kicked out every time he goes. How do you think you’re gonna do there, douja?

LA: Submission to Santa is the only way to get good presents. Yea! The great Profits Elmo & Patsy say: Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and grandpa we believe.

[Lord Athackkimentham lifts up a bowl full of jelly toward the ceiling.]

LA: This is the belly of Santa, and I eat of thee.

[Lord Athackkimentham pulls out a spoon and eats a spoonful of jelly. He puts that down and then lifts up a chalice.]

LA: This milk represents the beard of Santa, and I drink of thee.

[Lord Athackkimentham takes a sip from the chalice.]

UVW: How can you drink that? Ewww.

[Uber Vamp goes back to work on the woman’s neck. Fade to white.]

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