Archive for July, 2007

Straight From A ***** Match In Hell

July 19th, 2007
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[Outside one of the seven gates of Hell, Death emerged, followed closely by Uber Vampire Warrior and his partner Lord Athackkimentham, the reigning BOB Not Good Enough To Fight Alone Tag Team Champions.]

Death: I tell ya boys, that Chris Benoit sure can go. Who would have thought that he could carry Beef Wellington to a five-star match?

Uber Vampire Warrior

UVW: Hmm hmm hmm hmm.

Death: Yeah, not me either. So…what should we do next? I’ve scouted the greatest murderer-slash-wrestler aside from myself of all time, so I think I’m ready for Axl Van Halen and winning the Swiss Army Belt. Then, I’ll cash in my Beer In The Belly with whoever’s booking this crap this week, and we’ll have all the gold in BOB.

Lord Athackkimentham

LA: All Praise Santa! Prince Immortal!

Death: Yes, yes. Hail Santa. Wait a second. We won’t have the women’s title. Uber Vamp, feel like wearing a dress?

UVW: …

Death: C’mon, I saw you do it before.

UVW: Hmm?

Death: Remember, when you would dress up like a woman…damn, what did you call yourself…Luna?

UVW: *Hiss*

Death: Oh…that’s your real-life wife? My apologies. I thought that was YOU. BWAHAHAHAHA.

UVW: *Hiss*

Death: You know…Axl Van Halen, you can call in all the reinforcements you want. I know you’ve got a lot of friends in the Navy, since I heard you like to swallow seamen. So bring whoever you want. They say you can’t kill rock ‘n’ roll, but I know there’s one thing for sure YOU can’t kill. Me.

Death: So put on your hairspray and your lipstick and your eyeshadow and get all pretty, and maybe that bitch of yours can save a few bucks at the funeral home on makeup. I am the Death there is, the Death there was, and the Death there ever will be. Big Bony is most definitely IN…THE…HOUUUUUUUUUUUSE! Buy my shirts! End promo.


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