Archive

Archive for May, 2007

Questions, questions

May 5th, 2007
Comments Off on Questions, questions

Death

[Somewhere in the multiverse, Death was taking a moment to rest. It was then that his friend Ed Tenta-Shaw happened upon him.]

ETS: Hey, Death.

Death: Ed.

ETS: What ya doin’?

Death: You know…I’m just pondering.

ETS: Oh yeah? About what?

Death: Well, on the latest SMC, I found it a bit odd that douja helped SMP win. Don’t you find that odd, that two mortal enemies would end up helping each other?

ETS: That IS weird. That would have been like if I had sent Seth, Trey and the bots a GOOD e-fed show for Mystery Sports Entertainment Theatre 3000.

Death: I’m beginning to suspect that douja and SMP aren’t really enemies at all. I think…they’re faking it. You know, like all those women who boned you.

[Ed laughs.]

ETS: No way, Death. Those ladies LOVED IT when I’d jump up and down around them on the bed, run across the room, bounce off the wall, then charge back and–

Death: Please. Don’t finish that statement. My NARRATOR is even too grossed out to consider how to finish that sentence.

ETS: Fine.

Death: I’m also wondering when I should cash in my Beer In The Belly and win the ONLY WORLD TITLE THAT MATTERS from that useless, overrated asshole, Sir Zeno. That guy is really starting to piss me off.

ETS: Why?

Death: All I know is that I want him to feel my fingerpoke of doom and end this farce of a title reign once and for all. But I want him to think about it. When’s it coming. You want a shoot, Zeno? Anytime I want. Anywhere I want. When I’m done with him, he’s gonna be just another corpse. You think YOU got stroke. Don’t forget who handles me.

ETS: Anna Nicole Smith?

Death: Sure, Ed. Sure…Anyway. Everybody knows that Skull & Bones runs the world. It’s no different in BOB either. We may not have the OWTTM right now, but anytime we want it, we can have it.

ETS: Why don’t you want it right now? Seems silly that you wouldn’t want it RIGHT NOW. You know?

Death: I wish I could kill you again, you fat–

ETS: Hey, hey. No name-calling.

Death: I want him to get cocky. I want Zeno to think he’s unstoppable. I want him to believe his own hype. I want him at his BEST when I dismantle him. THAT’S why. I want Zeno to be the third man.

ETS: Huh?

Death: You know…Three men died and were taken by God to the top of a cliff. God said to them that since they had been such great outstanding citizens of earth that they would be given one chance to become anything that they desired.

Death: The first man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, “I want to be an eagle.” Instantly he was changed into an eagle and soared off into the sunset.

Death: The second man ran to the edge of the cliff, jumped into the air and shouted, “I want to be an owl.” Instantly he was changed into an owl and soared off into the sunset.

Death: The third man ran towards the edge of the cliff, tripped on a rock, and shouted, “Oh shit …”

Death: When I’m done with Zeno, that’s what he will be.

ETS: Cool. Well, nice talking to you Death. But I’ve got to get going. New assignment.

Death: Will I be seeing you again soon?

ETS: Probably. I’m being reincarnated as an Iraqi.

Death: Ahhh. Good luck to you then…

[Fade to black.]

rant , , , , ,