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To be the man…

August 13th, 2005

Nic Flare

[The scene opens inside a fried chicken fast food restaurant, because BOB wouldn’t spring for a better location for a jobber like this.]

Employee #1: May I take your order please, sir?

Nic Flare: Do you know who you’re talking to, fat boy?

E1: No.

NF: I’m The Nature Dude Nic Flare, fat boy, and don’t you forget it!

E1: Ok, so what do you wa…

[Flare looks at the camera suddenly.]

NF: And I hope everyone on that Brawlers on a Budget roster remembers that name too! I am the 16 time world pie eating champion, fats boys! WOOO!

E1: Sir, your order?

NF: Ain’t nothing gonna stop me from taking the Only World Title That Matters and adding it to my collection of dozens, maybe even hundreds, of world titles that I’ve held over the years. It’s only a matter of time before I…

E1: Sir, what is your order?!

NF: You’re still here? Jesus, just give me lots of chicken with extra skin!

E1: Extra skin?

NF: You heard me, fat boy, now get moving! Mush!

[The employee wanders away confused.]

NF: To be the man you gotta beat the man, fat boys, and I will beat that son of a bitch Sarah until he’s crying for his mommy!

[Clive whispers something to Flare.]

NF: He’s a what?! Holding the world title? A girl? I don’t beleive you.

Clive: Dude, she’s a chick. Seriously.

NF: Well, what I said still stands. It is just a matter of time before that belt is mine! Now can you dig THAT, fat boy?

[The teenage employee returns with the manager and a look of bewilderment as they find Flare demonstrating his chops on an old lady who hits him with her handbag and runs away.]

Manager: Excuse me sir, what are you doing?

NF: Who are you, fat boy?

Manager: I’m the manager of this restaurant.

NF: Do you have my chicken?

Manager: I don’t think we’ll be selling you any chicken today.

NF: The fuck?! Then take this, fat boy, WOOO!

[Flare then jumps over the counter and starts chopping the manager and the teenage employee in the chest. They stumble back a little but look confused more than anything else.]

NF: Let that be a lesson to you, I am the smelliest player in the game, ‘The Nature Dude’ Nic Flare and your next Only World Champion That Matters! WOOOOO!

[The old lady comes back and smacks Flare in the head with a steel chair. She covers and a ref comes out of nowhere to make the count. 1, 2, 3. We fade out as Flare writhes in pain on the floor with french fries being thrown at him.]

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