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Archive for August, 2005

Onward to the apocalypse

August 19th, 2005
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Death

“George Bush, you will be the death of me. Which, I guess, would be ironic, considering I’m Death.”

We join up with Death in the Netherworld. He is riding a Segway ST (Supernatural Transport) as he rides across the vast nothingness known as the midwest side of the Netherworld. But he has paused to grant a rare interview to us all.

“It’s not easy being me. I’m off to the Middle East region of the Netherworld now. I just got back from some tornadoes. Only got one guy. Damn you people and your sickening will to live. I wish you’d all die so I could be at the beach and retired. But I’ll get you all soon. I’m just biding my time. Laying low until the ‘big one.’ You know what I’m talking about.”

Death is silent for a few seconds.

“The powers that be are pulling all your strings. Just like it is in BOB. The real powers are controlling everything. And Sarah, little miss jobber slayer, you will crumble. There are several things you can’t fight in this life. That is the powers that be and me. So if you get your pretty little behind to Grudge Match A-Go-Go, well, I’m just going to have to turn it into a necrophiliac’s dream. Dead as a doornail and easy to nail. BWAHAHAHAHA! I kill me.”

And on that note, Death rides away at a really slow pace on his Segway.

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To be the man…

August 13th, 2005
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Nic Flare

[The scene opens inside a fried chicken fast food restaurant, because BOB wouldn’t spring for a better location for a jobber like this.]

Employee #1: May I take your order please, sir?

Nic Flare: Do you know who you’re talking to, fat boy?

E1: No.

NF: I’m The Nature Dude Nic Flare, fat boy, and don’t you forget it!

E1: Ok, so what do you wa…

[Flare looks at the camera suddenly.]

NF: And I hope everyone on that Brawlers on a Budget roster remembers that name too! I am the 16 time world pie eating champion, fats boys! WOOO!

E1: Sir, your order?

NF: Ain’t nothing gonna stop me from taking the Only World Title That Matters and adding it to my collection of dozens, maybe even hundreds, of world titles that I’ve held over the years. It’s only a matter of time before I…

E1: Sir, what is your order?!

NF: You’re still here? Jesus, just give me lots of chicken with extra skin!

E1: Extra skin?

NF: You heard me, fat boy, now get moving! Mush!

[The employee wanders away confused.]

NF: To be the man you gotta beat the man, fat boys, and I will beat that son of a bitch Sarah until he’s crying for his mommy!

[Clive whispers something to Flare.]

NF: He’s a what?! Holding the world title? A girl? I don’t beleive you.

Clive: Dude, she’s a chick. Seriously.

NF: Well, what I said still stands. It is just a matter of time before that belt is mine! Now can you dig THAT, fat boy?

[The teenage employee returns with the manager and a look of bewilderment as they find Flare demonstrating his chops on an old lady who hits him with her handbag and runs away.]

Manager: Excuse me sir, what are you doing?

NF: Who are you, fat boy?

Manager: I’m the manager of this restaurant.

NF: Do you have my chicken?

Manager: I don’t think we’ll be selling you any chicken today.

NF: The fuck?! Then take this, fat boy, WOOO!

[Flare then jumps over the counter and starts chopping the manager and the teenage employee in the chest. They stumble back a little but look confused more than anything else.]

NF: Let that be a lesson to you, I am the smelliest player in the game, ‘The Nature Dude’ Nic Flare and your next Only World Champion That Matters! WOOOOO!

[The old lady comes back and smacks Flare in the head with a steel chair. She covers and a ref comes out of nowhere to make the count. 1, 2, 3. We fade out as Flare writhes in pain on the floor with french fries being thrown at him.]

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