“The Real Deal”
[The scene is a ridiculously decorated bachelor pad, complete with stupid stuff “cool” guys would decorate a place in hopes of bedding chicks--- lava lamp, fur covered sofa, end table that looks like a giant hand, framed picture of Einstein, another framed picture (this one of deceased Beatle George Harrison), a “spider” lamp, a weight bench, and a bust of Malcolm X (that looks as pasty as Casper for some reason) etc. Okay, so maybe these things won’t get you laid, but what else is a single dude going to furnish his pad with? Okay, let me rephrase that--- a single dude WITH MONEY. Which is why you don’t see a milk crate serving as a coffee table.
Segue- In “George Jefferson-struts” a man that looks to be in his early 30’s, wearing SURPLUS baggie, faded jeans, a pair of tan Lugz boots, a Clippers jersey (which, since they haven’t changed their shitty logo in forever LOOKS like a throw-back) and an authentic L.L. Cool J Kangaroo cap pulled down to his eyebrows. Oh yeah, he also has a retro, big-ass Run DMC chain necklace, large enough to keep even a frothing Doberman in the yard, around his neck. The man looks weathered enough to have some gray hairs in his goatee--- but following the lead of Kevin Nash and Goldberg, he has blackened them in with some Just for Men to look, perhaps, “younger” on television. He plops on the furry couch, and starts to speak in a forceful, gruff voice that sounds like he just smoked a whole pack of Malboros. Or like Booker T who has just smoked an entire pack of Newports.]
Pete: Yo, I’m back suckas! Check this out—
[House of Pain’s “Jump Around” begins to play, but without the lyrics. Pete’s added his own---]
Pete: [singing/rapping] Yo Petey’s back…and that is a fact-
Andifyoudon’tlikeme… you ass must be whack!
Mylastname’s Trable, I fingerbanged Sable, wonderin’whyViscerachangedhisnamefromMabel.
But then again, why – should – I – really care?
Aboutafatblackmanwithwhitemohawkhair…
I really don’t…so -don’t- ask- me -again.
What? You didn’t? Wellthensuckonmylittlefriend.
HisnameisShaft, butSamuel – L.isnotinsight.
KickedhisassattheOscar’sjusttheothernight.
He tried to get up and Iclockedhisassandmuffedhis’fro.
Got more moves than bowels and Jell-O.
So listen up, and your ass bitter listen good…
PeteTrablerunsthislittlemuddahhunchin’hood.
And why, you ask? Oh, it’s very simple.
Ya’llarezitsandIlovepoppin’pimples…thenI’lljumpouttheringandpinchHeidi’snipples…
It’s time to get down, you all are clowns, so get out your seats…
[chorus]
I’LL KNOCK YOU DOWN.
KNOCK YOU DOWN….
KNOCK YOU DOWN….
KNOCK YOU DOWN….
GET IN MY FACE…. I’LL KNOCK YOU DOWN!
KNOCK (X18)
Pete: Who’s there? Well,whydontyouanswerthef’indoor?
Couldbeyourmommasellin’hersplitlikeawhore.
I turned her down, ‘cause I don’t pay for that, you see?
GetmorestinkythandoujaANDN’Sync.
I’m flyin’ HIGH, like Super -man without- a- cape.
PutmeinsubmissionsI’llalwaysfindanescape.
Youcan’tbeatme,allyoucandoisgreetme.
I’llshakeyouhandandthenYOU-CAN’T-SEE-ME.
Bealloveryou…LIKE – A – CHEAP- SUIT.
You’llhavetogetadoctoopenyourassandremovemyboot.
ThenI’llgetthepin,I’llalwaysgetthewin.
I’lllickyourgirl’skittyandhaveherjuiceonmychin.
There’snostoppin’menow, oh hell no.
Ripoff’sgone,thosefags s-W-o.
Stealin’ my shit, making me sick…
Theyalllinedupjusttosuckonmstick…
They came to get down, I ran them outta town…. They stepped up and-
GOT KNOCKED DOWN
I KNOCKED THEM DOWN!….
KNOCKED THEM DOWN….
KNOCKED THEM DOWN….
I – RAN -THOSE -FAGGOTS -OUTTA TOWN….
KNOCK (X32)
[stops singing]
Pete: The…. “Real….. Deal”…… is… HERE-AH!
Let….me….make…..it…..CLEAR-AH!
Clean….out…..your……EAR-AH!
’05….is…..my…… YEAR-AH!
I’m in the house.
I’m a hungry cat, you’re a tasty mouse.
Run to your little hole in the wall.
Pete Trable conquers all.
Word.
yo, let me get a motha’ fuckin’ beat!! (The theme from “Ren and Stimpy” plays.) UH, hell yea, cracka.. im bout to rip dis shit fa’ da o five and foreva.. mic check.. I LIKE TO HIT DA BONG, MY DICK IS REAL LONG, RIDE DA BEAT LIKE YA’ MOM ON MY SCHLONG.. umm.. shit.. FUCK YOU, WHITEY!! fuck studnuts too.. SMP HAS TITTIES, DOUJA OUT!!
“Nigga, please.”
*Cut to Trable’s bachelor pad, while he’s away. A familiar set of metal teeth bite through the door, and Dr. Thrilla staggles into the room. He’s carrying a can of gasoline, and a box of matches is tucked into his surgical gown. He opens the can of gasoline and splashes it all over the furnishings… except for the picture of George Harrison. That he takes off the wall and tucks under his arm. Lighting a match, he makes a snide remark at Pete Trable (which can’t be understood, as his teeth just clang), drops the match, and runs as the room bursts into flames.*
Now THAT’S why I like Dr. Thrilla!
Police Chief: “I’ve come before you today to inform all interested parties that an individual calling himself “Dr. Thrilla” was apprehended just outside of Mr. Pete Trable’s apartment. He has been booked on arson, theft, and human life endangerment/attempted murder charges. He is also being charged with resisting arrest after he tried to hit one of our rookie officers with a street sign, but fellow officers employed minor “Rodney King” takedown maneuvers to subdue the perp. He is currently being held without bond in the Fresno Police Department in a temporary cell, along with a 386 pound Hispanic male who has probably made Dr. Thrilla his bitch by now. What? I can’t say that in an official statement? I apologize.”
“Dr. Thrilla will remain in our jurisdiction until his arraignment, which by my caculation, using an estimate on how our other cases are going, should be about August 2007. We found a gasoline can with his fingerprints on it, matches were found on his person, and he also had on his person an autographed picture of George Harrison that was identified as property of Mr. Trable. The item was personalized to Mr. Trable that read, “Pete, you could’ve been the 5th Beatle if rap was cool in the 60’s and 70’s. Always, George.”
“The evidence is overwhelming.”
“This is a slam dunk, not some JonBenet or O.J. Simpson deal. Case closed, it’s just going to take awhile. We regret to inform his “employer”, as this individual claims to be a professional wrestler in an outfit called Brawler’s on a Budget, that he will not be released, even on good behavior, to attend any events. Besides, I looked up Brawler’s on a Budget on the Internet and all I found was a couple of guys and two androids in a theater making fun of people who can’t type. So, needless to say, I don’t believe him.”
“In booking, we removed his bizarre metal teeth as we see it as a potential danger to other inmates and as a possible tool in aiding his flight. Any relatives of this individual can pick them up at the main desk. Ask for Sgt. Lipshick.”
“Thank you. Any inquiries can be directed to Fresnos Finest.”
*Dr. Thrilla – the real one, indeed – and Cecil appear on a street outside the police department.*
Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*
Cecil: Our hearts go out to Jimmy “the Wine Cooler” McGillicuddy, who was arrested while cosplaying as Dr. Thrilla and committing arson. This will not affect the upcoming PPV in any way.
Dr. Thrilla: *metal clanging*
Cecil: The doctor adds that this won’t save your ass any, Studnuts.
*They walk away.*