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Back From The Nether Realms!

April 8th, 2005

Atomo the Living Robot

[Orbopticon online… yo. I’m in the hizzy. Busy in the hizzy. With the snizzy. I don’t know, I can only thing of so many start-up messages to display.

Anyway, Dr. Azathoth is standing inside Farmer Brown’s Barn. He’s set up all kinds of futuristic equipment, like a tesla coil and an osciliscope and crap like that. Atomo is laying on a big metal slab. Farmer Brown is milking a cow in the background]

Dr. Azathoth: Greetings, plebians! I have recently returned from my incredibly productive visits to anti-space, where I was busy unraveling the mysteries of existence!

Farmer Brown: You weren’t in no anti-space! You spent the last year sitting on mah couch and watching powerpuff girls, and now there’s a big ol person shaped splotch of mold where you sat. Do you ever shower?

Dr. A: Silence, cretin, or I will have Paul Prudhome cook your apendix!

FB: Damn mold stinks to high heaven too…

Dr. A: In any event, I have returned from my hiatus, and Atomo and I are ready to wreak untold havoc in BOB! Yes, Atomo has already won the Pop-Up Ads Crashed My Computer title, but that’s just the first step on road to the top.

Dr. A: And the road to the top shall be strewn with corpses!

FB: I expect you to pay for the steam cleaning.

Dr. A: My stable shall rampage through BOB! You think that the Drudleys, or the iAd, or the Shaggy gang are scary, wait until you see us in action.

Atomo: QUERY: WHAT-HAPPENED-TO-SHAGGY-GANG-UNIT: XANDER? DIDN’T-HE-HAVE-A-SUPERNATURAL-BEING-AT-HIS-DISPOSAL?

Dr. A: Um… I killed him. Yes, that’s it, I subjected him to horrors beyond imagining, as my monstrous medical experiments reduced him to a quivering blob of protoplasm. And I did something bad to the Jinn, too. She… works at IHOP now and forevermore. I guess. I mean I KNOW!

Yes, and soon the whole world will tremble at the terrors unleashed by-

[Farmer Brown has stopped milking to listen, and at this point he comes up and puts his hand on Azathoth’s shoulder]

FB: Awww, I get what’s going on here. You feel eclipsed by your old college room-mate Mr. Zeno.

Dr. A: No, fool-

FB: You’re jealous that he has a hardcore posse, and is getting all the title matches, while Atomo only appears in bathroom break sketches, is that it?

Dr. A: Um…

FB: I know just how you feel. Back when I was a few years outa college, I was living with mah parents tosave money, and I found out mah old roommate Zedadiah had invented a new kind of fertilizer spreading machine.

Yes sir, it sunk me into a funk when I saw him being interviewed on “Farm Report” and all, but I made the best of it.

See, I used that as a springboard to motivate me to achieve mah own goals. And I learned something, Dr. A.

Dr. A: LISTEN CRETIN!

FB: See, I learned that I was happier staying true to my own personality then tryin ta copy Zed. I learned that you can’t measure yourself against others, you can only measure yourself against who you want to be. Ya see what I’m sayin?

Dr. A: If you do not remove your simian paw from my shoulder, we shall turn your skin inside out and feed you to a thousand bees.

FB: Say, another thing I wanted ta ask ya: Who the heck is gonna be in your stable? I mean are you gonna include the smelly chick in the sailor suit? The mexican nerd? The washing machine? The hick farmer? You don’t really seem to actually like most of the people you know.

Dr. A: ENOUGH! You have cemented your place as our first victim!

[At this, Dr. A kicks Atmom off the slab, and shoves Farmer Brown onto it, strapping him down. We fade out as the Doc picks up a large scalpel…]

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