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The Greatest Tag Team in the Universe!

August 15th, 2004

[Fade up. Clouds rushing by. Time-lapse photography of flowers opening. A quiet, ominous piece of music, probably stolen from a Phillip Glass movie soundtrack. More clouds. Melting icicles. More time-lapse photography, this time of fruit rotting. What the hell is this, the Stock Footage Film Festival?]

Voice-Over: BOB…

[Oh, good, I think we’ve started the promo for real now.]

Voice-Over: Since 1999, BOB has been the leader in low-to-moderatly budgeted Sports Entertainment. A place where many are called… but few are chosen… and even fewer are paid. Over the years, many legends have competed here…

[A series of stills of past BOB Superstars. This shouldn’t take long…]

Voice-Over: Sillicone M. Plants! Justin Voss! Bobo Fiendish! The iAd! That Guy with Very Few Vowels in His Name! Ummm.. (becoming uncertain) StreetMime? Zilla?

[BILL?]

Voice: Ummm.. yes, I suppose so.

[Cut to two shillouetted figures, posing heroically. We can’t make out many details, although one seems to be wearing a cape that flaps behind him. The other is hold a small electric fan. Too cheap for a REAL wind machine, BOSS?]

Voice-Over: But now… two new Legends are about to be born! The Greatest Tag-Team in BOB’s Storied History! Know their name and tremble, mortals! For they are…

1st Shadowy Figure: TRAIN!

[He leaps out of shot.]

2nd Shadowy Figure: Hee hee hee… poink!

[He falls over.]

Voice-Over: CRAP! Nearly had it that time! Okay, re-set everyone… we’ll try it again after lunch.

[Man, I better be getting some serious overtime for this…]

Fade Out

[Fade up. Clouds rushing by. Time-lapse photography of flowers opening. A quiet, ominous piece of music, probably stolen from a Phillip Glass movie soundtrack. Anyone else getting deja vu?]

Voice-Over: BOB…

[Take 37…]

Voice-Over: Since 1999, BOB has been the leader in low-to-moderatly budgeted Sports Entertainment. A place where many are called…

Off-Screen Voice: And yet Sparky the Magic Butt-Plug STILL hasn’t been nominated! Mr President, I claim discrimiation!

2nd Off-Screen Voice: I heartily agree, Frau Aubergine! Roughen my nipples, I’m off to the Moulin Rouge! Tweet!

Voice-Over: *sigh* Okay, that’s a cut.

[I need a drink…]

Fade Out

[Fade up. Clouds rushing by. Time-lapse photography of flowers opening…]

Off-Screen Voice: Phwoar! Look at the size of those bullocks! It’s as if I’m luging the Matterhorn, father! Neep!

[Okay, I’m out of here.]

Fade Out

[………..]

Voice-Over: BOB…

[………..]

[Look, I told you, I’m not doing any more narrating until someone sorts out those two imbeciles.]

Voice-Over: Since 1999, BOB has been….

Off-Screen Voice: …INFESTED WITH FIRE ANTS! They’re everywhere! Pass the flame-thrower, McGuvyer!

Voice-Over: Okay, I’m out of here too…

[Excellent. I’ll call the reserve camera crew and race you to the bar…]

Fade Out

[……….]

[Hey, I got it to fade up! Brilliant!]

Voice-Over: Well, aim it at them already, you hosehead! *ahem* (Monotonically) BOB-Since-1999-BOB-has-been-the-leader-in-low-to-moderately-bucketed… crap, buDGETed-Sports-Entertainment. Wow, how much of this stuff do I have to read? There’s like, five pages here! I’ll skip to the end, you zoom in on them.

[Brilliant! Oh, great, where did Hallucination Boy go?]

Voice-Over: Dammit! Okay, just zoom in on Coma…

[Which button do I press to do that?]

Voice-Over: Well, I don’t know! Just move the camera closer!

[Brilliant!]

*SCRAPE*

[It’s working! Coma looks huge!]

*BONK!*

Shadowy Figure: OW! Poink.

THUD!

[Crap, I think I knocked him out. How do I fade ou…]

[Fade Up. Two life-sized cardboard cut-outs of Coma and Hallucination Boy are propped against a brick wall.]

Voice-Over: The Greatest Tag-Team in the History of History are coming. Yay. They are…

[Dramatic Pause.]

Voice-Over: I can’t even read that… Does that look like a “Q” to you?

[Oh, fuck this…]

Fade Out

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