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Not a Real Promo

June 13th, 2004

Kevin the Pyromaniac

[The scene opens to a dark basement where a disgruntled looking teen sits on a pile of old newspapers. The poorly held camera, which serves as our window to this world, blurs in and out of focus as the complaining begins.]

Kevin The Pyromaniac: But I don’t want to do a damn promo!

Bruce the Kleptomaniac: You have to, the head BOB dudes said they’d stop paying you all together if you didn’t.

KtP: Since when do I get paid?!

BtK: I asked them about that, they said it’s still in the mail.

KtP: Still?! I haven’t seen a single dollar from them since they hired me.

BtK: I think they mentioned something about giving you some paint thinner they found in an abandoned janitor’s closet and some matches as a salary.

KtP: 1337~!

BtK: I figured you’d say that, they said some guy named Chuck’d bring it round on Thursday or something.

KtP: But I must burn things and I must burn things now! PYROMANIA~!!!!!!1`

BtK: No! You’re doing this promo first.

KtP: But I don’t want to.

BtK: Tough, just get it over and done with and you can go set some cats on fire or something.

KtP: SW337~! Ok, what should I talk about?

BtK: Ummm, who’s your rival at the moment?

KtP: *shrug* Who knows?

BtK: Think!

KtP: XXXtreme Machine?

BtK: XXXtreme Machine is your biggest rival?

KtP: Sure, why not?

BtK: That’s pathetic.

KtP: Well I don’t know, I hate these damn promo things. I’m just in it for the 1337 beatdowns of jobbers with fire and hardcoreness!

BtK: And here I was thinking you were just in BOB to stare at the ample chested women.

KtP: Hey, that’s a part of it… I’m only human after all.

BtK: I’m surprised you didn’t say your biggest rival was Candy Cantaloupes then, the writing team might just watch this and decide to book you in some sort of crude mud wrestling type thing.

KtP: That R0X0RZ~!

BtK: I doubt that’d ever happen though, I don’t think the writing team likes you. You’re more likely to end up in a mud wrestling match against Bohemoth.

KtP: That SUX0RZ~!

BtK: Yes, well, if you actually did these promos properly they might actually give you some good matches.

KtP: Nah, let’s go set fire to some kids skateboard instead.

BtK: Can I steal his lunch money?

KtP: Yes.

BtK: Sweet!

[Bruce drops the camera and we cut to static.]

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