Hello folks, it’s me, Orbapakopolis, showing you the interior of Farmer Brown’s lovely house. Dr. Azathoth is slumped over in an easy chair. It looks like he hasn’t bathed or shaved in several days. Atomo walks in.
Atomo: WHAT-TROUBLES-YOU-MASTER? MASTER-HAS-NOT-LEFT-THIS-CHAIR-IN-NEARLY- 7 days, 16 hrs, 34 mins. 24 sec… 25 sec… 26 sec…
Dr. Azathoth: Oh be silent, you clattering… guy. It’s just not worth it anymore. It’s clear that my skills as a manager are sub-par at best. I mean, I work on a robot for years, and then he’s outclassed by a decade old washing machine.
Dr. A: By Oshtar’s leg hair, this sucks. No, I’m better off just sitting here and watching this primitive earth device they so laughably call a “television”.
Dr. A: Oh, come on, you obviously were doing fine with that corn-fed earth-hick.
Suddenly, Farmer Brown walks by.
FB: Uh, hey Doc, there’s a buncha packages out there fer ya, if’n ya wannna go get ‘em.
Dr. A: What, did Helga send me more severed heads? Just throw them on the pile.
FB: Actually, I don’t reckon there’re any body part in these here particular packages. They ain’t got the flies or the stench. Oh, and they gots these real purty address labels, not like them ones in crayon you usually get.
Dr. A: Oh, fine, I’ll take a look.
Azathoth walks outside. Suddenly we hear a squeal of delight, and Azathoth comes rushing back in, arms full of large packages.
Dr. A: My laboratory kit has finally arrived! I’ve had enough of living in this backwards dustbowl, so I ordered a variety of the most high-tech equipment available. I’ll forgive you for challenging Franklin without my permission, Atomo, as it will give me a chance to work with some of this equipment. We’ll make your first title defense a night to remember!
About an hour later, in Farmer Brown’s guest room…
Dr. A: Okay final equipment check, Atomo. Beakers filled with colored liquid?
Dr. A: Are they filled with dry ice and connected by improperly set up tubes?
Dr. A: Oscilloscope?
Dr. A: And it seems to be displaying a sine wave, that’s good. Tesla coil?
Dr. A: Automatic Billion Bubble Machine?
Atomo turns on a piece of equipment, which immediately starts producing dozens of soap bubbles
Dr. A: Severed head?
Jan in the Pan: I told you to let me die…
Dr. A: Oscillation Overthruster?
Dr. A: Okay then. Let’s get-
Suddenly, Farmer Brown walks in.
FB: Hey doc, what was the deal with alla that stuff you got earlier?
Dr. A: Well, peon, I’ve been feeling like lately I’ve been focusing too much on the ‘Azathoth’ and not enough on the ‘Doctor’. I am, after all, a scientist, so I thought I’d make some improvements to Atomo in preparation for his upcoming sortie with Franklin the clown.
FB: Hey, that’s great. Well, I was just getting the laundry, so I won’t interrupt your little-
Dr. A: STAY MORTAL! Stay and witness scientific history in the making! You, you will be able to say that you were on the scene of the invention of the most incredible weapon since the atomic bomb!
FB: Um… No, thanks.
Dr. A: FINE! But don’t expect me to share any of the Nobel Prize money!
Well, in any case, at least this historic moment is being broadcast across the country. Yes, wrestling fans! While most of your scientific knowledge is limited to the engineering principles involved in the “Foam Dome”, today you will witness the frontiers of modern technology! Watch, and be in awe!
A: UNESSENTIAL-SYSTEMS-DEACTIVATED. READY-TO-BEGIN.
Dr. A: Excellent. First, we shall improve your limber…nis…ity. With these!
Azathoth brandishes what appear to be shock absorbers from a 1952 Ford pickup truck. He proceeds to open up Atomo’s arms and remove the interior bones, replacing them with the shock absorbers. It’s interesting to note that we never see a full shot of Atomo with any open compartments, there’re just close-ups of his arms.
Dr. A: Next, the heart! The human heart, even pumping at its strongest, can never match the power of this…1952 V8 ENGINE FROM OUT OF A FORD!
Dr. A: Now that we’ve installed the basics, it’s time to set up a couple of surprises for old Francois. First off, a shank. For stabbin’. More importantly, this: THE NEGATIVE RAY!
(Azathoth holds up something that appears to have been fashioned from a flashlight, several wires, and an old spark plug. You know, I’m starting to sense a pattern here…)
Dr. A: Yes, with this you will be able to harness the fantastic power of the atom to polarize a thin stream of ions, thus reducing your enemies to ash! BWAHAHAHA!
Now, lastly, you will need a protective covering of living tissue to survive the temporal vortex. So go behind that changing curtain and put on the special suit I made you.
Atomo goes behind the curtain, and when he comes out he is dressed in a Marti Gras style costume designed to look like famed restaurant mascot, Big Boy. His head can be seen peeking out of the mouth of the costume’s gargantuan head.
Dr. A: Excellent. You are now prepared for anything! Nothing can stop us now!
FB (From offscreen): Hey, doc, I don’t got any detergent, so I’m just going to mosey on down to the store… FUCK A DUCK! Azathoth! What the hell did you do to my truck?! When I get my hands on you, I’m gonna string you up like a marionette!
Dr. A: Ah, fortunately I had the foresight to lock the earth-door.
Farmer Brown begins to pound on the door like a banshee working for the Jehovah’s Witnesses. Dr. Azathoth walks up to the sturdy door and pats it.
Dr. A: He’ll never get through there.
Well, something happens, anyway. We were going to rip off the movie “The Brain/Head That Wouldn’t Die”, but we couldn’t find the right quotes. Anyway, Farmer Brown, with Jan’s psychic help, busts through the door and pretty much tears Dr. Azathoth’s arm off. The doc proceeds to stagger around the room for a very lengthy time, getting blood all over every available surface. Meanwhile, Atomo glares into the camera.
A: UNIT: FRANCIS. THE-TIME-IS-COMING-SOONER-THEN-YOU-THINK. MY-INTERNAL-CLOCK-WILL-FAITHFULLY-COUNT-THE-MINUTES-UNTIL-THEN.