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Party of the Slumber

April 1st, 2004

Kevin the Pyromaniac

(The scene opens from the inside of a teenage girl’s bedroom. What? Just read it, it’s not like that. Anyway, on the floor, wrapped in sleeping bags, are a group of teenage girls at a slumber party. With empty pizza boxes and smuggled in beer bottles already shoved under the bed, the young ladies turn to the tried and tested game of truth or dare.)

Cindy: I think Jennifer should go first because it is like SO her house.

Jennifer: Whatever, surely I get to choose who goes first?

Mindy: Like no way, you go first!

Jennifer: Fine. I’ll take truth.

Wilma: What does your gross younger brother really do, we like SO can tell he doesn’t deliver groceries to sick kids on sundays.

Jennifer: You… ok. You know that thing that’s on Comedy Central at, like, the middle of the night? That wrestling federation thing.

Cindy: Yeah, I caught my brother watching it one time… what about it?

Jennifer: He works for them, it’s like SO embarrasing.

(All the girls except for the hostess have a giggle before turning to Wilma.)

Mindy: Now it’s your turn!

Wilma: Truth.

Cindy: What really happened between you and Lance that time at Lover’s Lake? We aren’t buying your ‘we just held hands’ story anymore.

Wilma: I’ll take a dare instead.

(More giggles ensue.)

Mindy: I think you should… KISS JENNIFER’S BROTHER!

All: Ewwwww!

(Kevin the Pyromaniac cupped his hand to the wall as he tried to listen. He had bandages around his abdomen, a neckbrace and a plaster on his forehead to help him heal from the injuries he sustained in his Xtreme Hardcore Inferno match against Sabu at Wrasslemania. The people from Russo’s offices had paid him in peanuts to wrestle at the event, so he was chomping away on a handfull from a small bag.)

KtP: I wish they’d shut up, I’ve gotta rest up before the next Chloroform.

(He pulled his pillow over the top of his head, but it is not enough to drown out the giggle and footstep noises. Then his door slowly creaked open and the trespassers peered over to see if the most electrifying pyromaniac in sports entertainment was asleep or not.)

Wilma: Hey, he’s asleep, let’s do something else.

Jennifer: No way are you backing out of this now.

Cindy: Yeah!

KtP: WTF?! are you bitches doin in my room?!?!

Mindy: Bitches? You little…

KtP: Get out my room bitches!!1

Jennifer: Hold on douchebag, Wilma has something to give you first.

(Kevin sat up, ready to set fire to whatever it was. A pimply faced girl with braces moved in with her lips puckered up. Kevin screamed and jumped off his bed, running past the wall of teens and down the hall. As he was chased he thought of all his heroes and what they would do in a situation like this. He imagined stepping back and giving a JJ Drop to Cindy, a JJ Drop to Mindy, a JJ Drop to Jennifer and a JJ Drop to Wilma. He would then set fire to his arm and give them his move, the Burning Elbow Drop. He tried this, but a spray of overly strong perfume to the eyes sent him tumbling down the stairs and landing headfirst on the floor below.)

Cindy: Oh my God, you, like, totally killed him!

(Kevin lay there for a moment before standing up and limping away. He used to throw himself down the stairs for ‘hardcore training’ (as he put it) all the time, so this was nothing to him. He ran into the kitchen as the chase continued and out through the door.)

Mindy: Ewww, he, like, went outside.

Cindy: It’s cold out there and dark.

Jennifer: Let’s just go back and watch Glitter.

(As the herd trampled back upstairs Kevin lit a match so he could see in the dark. He found his trusty ladder and set it up by the house. He then found some dog poo and put it in a bag. Don’t ask me why.)

Kevin: This’ll show them bitches not to mess with the Kevster brutha.

(Kevin climbed the ladder and walked along the roof, resisting every temptation to dive off through stuff down below. When he came to Jennifer’s window, or just above, he winced at the piercing sound of giggling. He reached down and slowly pulled the window open without anyone noticing. He then set fire to the bag and flung it through onto the carpet where they proceeded to stomp the flames out… creating screams, wailing, ‘ewww’s and ‘gross’s.)

Jennifer: Kevin you bastard!

(Kevin turns to the camera, he seems to think this is passable as a wrestling promo.)

KtP: Yeah, BOB fans! PYROMANIA!!1 is sweeping the nation! The most electrifying Pyromaniac in sports and in entertainment is FINALLY back on the roof of his house! You think your hardcore?! You see Mr. Intensity getting 1,2,3 in the middle of the ring a few weeks back?! You see Sabu get pinned 1,2,3 in the middle of the ring?!

Clive: That didn’t happen!

KtP: Whatever, the point is all you who think you’re hardcore and extreme and xtreme are just speed bumps in my push to the most hardcore title there is! That’s RIGHT BOB fans! I am announcing right here that I want to challenge for the most hardcore title there is, I, Kevin the PYROMANIAC will be BOBs NEWWW Eastern Slavic Mongolian Goulash Champion!!!!

Clive: That title is inactive Kev.

KtP: Huh?

Clive: You can’t challenge for it.

KtP: In that case, I WILL be the NEWWWW United States Toaster Champion… and whoever the current champ is will be looking up as I raise my match, set fire to my arm, run across the ring and drop the Pyromaniac’s Burning Elbow Drop down on yuu caaandy asses!

Clive: No, that title is also inac…

KtP: If ya smelllalalala… what the Kevin is cooking.

(As the girls look up from the open window they see Jennifer’s little brother setting fire to himself and backflipping down from the roof and through an ornamental fountain.)


KtP: Huh?

The End!

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