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Kevin’s Unusual Encounter With Some Birds

March 7th, 2004

Kevin the Pyromaniac

It is a calm and peaceful March morning in the rural outskirts of Parts Unknown. The birds are chirping through the fragant cherry trees as a greasy teenager hauls himself through the tall grass of this gentle meadow, dragging a large tanker of fuel behind him.

Kevin: Oh man, being so damn hardcore is hard work.

Kevin wipes the sweat from his pale forehead with his baggy Vietallica t-shirt. He drops the fuel down and sits for a rest, looking around at all the beautiful, delicate petals gentle forming on the trees around him.

Kevin: Ugh, forget burning that old Farmer dudes barn, this crap right here will do just nicely for a sudden EXTREME EXPLOSION OF… PYROMANIA~!!!`!!1

The birds all turn their heads and stare at Kevin in bewilderment.

Bird #1: What a moron, he’s even stupider than most of those humans who come by here gasping at how beautiful nature is and all that drivel.

Bird #2: Quite right Reginald, the man is an oaf and an imbecile.

Kevin: Hey, shut the hell up you stupid talking birds before I torch your stupid trees!

Bird #1: That’s it, lets get Hitchcock on his ass!

The birds swoop down and proceed to peck at Kevin’s face.

Kevin: No, not my face, I have to be on Comedy Central next wee… whenever the next Chloroform is.

Bird #2: Oh for the love of 0¿0 The Mysterious Birdman, you aren’t one of those Brawlers on a Budget are you?

Kevin: Hey, yeah! Yeah I am, you want an autograph?!!1

Bird #2: God no, there’s nothing less sophisticated than a bunch of roided up freaks smacking each other with steel chairs just to get ratings with the unintelligent human demographic.

Kein: Huh? Ratings? Are you sure you know what BOB is?

Bird #1: Silence! You sports entertainers should be seen and not heard.

Bird #2: I don’t want to see or hear them.

Bird #1: Hahaha, your time is almost up, for the new awakening of a new and brutal sport shall soon seize the airwaves by the throat. Bloodthirsty armed combat between man and the almighty bird empire shall see the slaughter of countless unfeathered fools and the new kings of the planet shall take over and RULE THE GALAX…

The birds went up in flames as Kevin held a match up to a squirty box of fuel, the burning bodies fell to the ground and sizzled loudly.

Kevin: Don’t ever badmouth the beautiful art of sports entertainment again! Mwahahaha, PYROMANIA!1 ownz j00 an teh entire bird empire.

Kevin suddenly turns to face the camera, trying to salvage the promo and make at least some sort of connection between this garbage and BOB.

Kevin: That’s right BOB fans, PYROMANIA~!!1 is runnin wild, it’s spreading like wild FIRE!!1 This past Chloroform I proved that I am hardcore, extreme and xtreme when I pinned Mr. Intensity 1, 2, 3 in the middle of the ring! And by the mighty God of pepsi, whether you be Mr. Intensity, The YGBKIADTAYOOYFM Title Belt, The WWF European Belt, 0¿0, Kevin will see you burn! Because Kevin is hardcore for Foley’s sake!!1

Kevin tips over the tanker of fuel to douse the meadow, he then pumps his hand up into the air with a lighter and yells out.

Kevin: PYROMANIA~!!!!!1!!1`!

The camera turns to static as Kevin drops the lighter and flames begin to rise around him.

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