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Extensive Therapy

January 31st, 2004

Orbamajig online, broadcasting from somewhere in Hell… Dr. Azathoth lies on a couch. Sigmund Freud takes notes.

Dr. Azathoth: …So then he throws her actions back in my face! I can’t believe that he would go for such a low blow.

Freud: Perhaps he is more perceptive then you believe. Your desire to punish this Parabola fellow for leaving his employer could be the result of your anger at your own creation rebelling, no?

Dr. A: *sigh* Maybe you’re right. Maybe I should work out my own issues before I start wrestling with random people who knew my old college roommate…

Say, Freud, what are you doing down here, anyway?

SF: I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Dr A: That’s what everybody says down here.

SF: Well, it’s an obvious joke.

Dr. A: Well, much as I appreciate the gallows humor down here, I really should be getting back to the material plane. I’m worried about how Atomo is doing without me. I sent some of my friends up there to help him out against Festering Death, but it would still make me feel better to know how he’s doing.

SF (Looking directly at the camera): Why don’t we check in on him right now?

Cut To: The irradiated ruins of the Kent State University’s School of Mad And Weird Science. Atomo appears to be standing in the collapsed ruins of the underground particle accelerator, which is cut off completely from the outside world. The only source of light is from Atomo’s Multi-Purpose Utility Belt-Buckle. It’s worth noting that he seems to have developed some kind of tick, as his right lens is fluttering open and shut uncontrollably. It’s hard to tell in the dim light, but he also seems to be caked with a variety of unpleasant substances.

Atomo: ATOMO-ONLINE. INTERNAL-LOG-ENTRY: (Error: Date Software Malfunction)

A: I-HAVE-LOST-ALL-SENSE-OF-TIME. THE-CREATOR-APPARENTLY-FELT-THAT-THIS-UNIT-WAS-INCAPABLE-OF-TRIUMPHING-IN-A-MATCH-AGAINST-UNIT: Festering Death AND-THEREFORE-RESURRECTED-THREE-LOST-SOULS-TO-IMPROVE-THIS-UNIT’S-PERFORMANCE-IN-THE-AREA-OF-WITHSTANDING-POINTLESS-VIOL ENCE. SOUL-UNITS-SENT-TO-IMPROVE-THIS-UNIT’S-PERFORMANCE-ARE-DESIGNATED-UNIT: Marquis DeSade, UNIT: Maldaror AND-UNIT: Elizabeth Bathory.

A:*click* IT-IS-FORTUNATE-THAT-I-*click*-DO-NOT-POSSES-EMOTIONS-*click*-AS-OTHERWISE-I-WOULD-BE-IN-SEVERE-DIS-*click*-DIS-*click*D ISCOMFORT.

THE-TRAINING-IMPOSED-BY-THESE-UNITS-IS-MOST-UNPLEASANT. ONE-REGIMEN, REPEATED-MULTIPLE-TIMES, INVOLVES-BEING-RAPED-IN-EVERY-ORIFICE-BY-UNIT: Maldaror’s BULLDOG. SUBSEQUENTLY, HE-REMOVES-ALL-INTERNAL-COMPONENTS-VIA-THE-LOWER-ANAL-CAVITY. I-AM-THEN-FORCED-TO-EAT-MY-OWN-INTESTINES (NOTE: I am once again forced to question the utility of incorporating a digestive system into a robot that does not eat). AFTERWORDS, OTHER-TRAINING-SEGMENTS-INCLUDE-

(WARNING! Trauma Circuit overload imminent! Initiating Memory Repression Module! *grind grind grind*).

THE-PURPOSE-OF-THESE-REGIMENS-IS-OSTENSIBLY-TO-IMPROVE-THIS-UNIT’S-FUNCTIONING, THOUGH-I-MUST-QUESTION-WHETHER-THEY-ARE-ADEQUATELY-SERVING-THEIR-PURPOSE. SINCE-BEGINNING-THESE-EXERCISES, THIS-UNIT-HAS-DEVELOPED-A-NUMBER-OF-PECULIAR-OPERATING-DEFICIENCIES, OFTEN-TRIGGERED-BY-CERTAIN-REGULAR-STIMULI.

Elizabeth Bathory From off-camera: Atomo! Bath Time!

Atomo’s lens flickers more rapidly

A: CASE-IN-POINT. ON-THE-POSITIVE-SIDE, ENCOUNTERS-WITH-FESTERING-DEATH-HAVE-LOST-SOME-FO-THEIR-DREAD. ON-THE-OTHER-HAND, THIS-UNIT-MUST-QUESTION-WHETHER-OPERATING-DEFICIENCIES-INTRODUCED-BY-THIS-TRAINING-WILL-OFFSET-ITS-BENEFITS.

Marquis DeSade: Atomo! You know the penalty for disobediance!

A: END-LOG-ENTRY.

This seems like a good time to sign off.

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