Arrested Development
~~~Wednesday, December 31, 2003. It’s 4:00 A.M. and we’re at Steve Studnuts’ Phoenix mansion. Steve’s brain is in a fog, having drank copious amounts of Buttery Nipples and Sex on the Beach, he now pleasures himself with whipped creamed covered nipples and sex on his leather sectional, and beside his pool, and in the kitchen, and on his futon, and anywhere else he could find with no less than seven women he picked up from “FLUIDS”. There’s a knock at his door, just as Steve’s about to fake another orgasm and move on to the next girl~~~
Studs: (hearing the knock) Wha? What time is it? Who the fuck is that?
~~~He mumbles incoherently, stands up and pulls on his silk boxers, then stumbles to the door.~~~
Studs: (just before pulling the door open) motherfuckercomingoverhereatgatdamnfourinthefuckingmorning… WHO IS IT?
~~~He opens the door and finds two policemen standing there~~~
Cop 1: Ummm, are you (squints at index card) are you (giggles) Steve Studnuts?
Studs: Yeah, I know. It’s my ring name. Okay? And before you even go there, everybody here is over 21 and consensual. Even the chick in the back that’s covered with barbeque sauce…
Cop 2: I don’t think you understand, sir. We’re investigating a murder.
Studs: Murder? Shit, I know I rode some of these bitches hard… but I doubt I killed any of ‘em.
Cop 1: You can cut the jokes, pal. We know you were at “FLUIDS” last night. We know there was a girl killed there last night. We know that we have the murder weapon with your fingerprints all over it and several witnesses have stated you danced on the body without a shred of remorse. You even tried to keep the paramedics from doing their job….
Studs: Hey now, hold on a fuckin’ minute. I only pulled the knife out to read the note stabbed into that chick’s body….
Cop 2: Note?
Studs: Yeah, a fuckin’ note. You know, paper with shit wrote all over it. A gatdamn note….
Cop 1: We didn’t find any note. I’m afraid we’re going to have to take you downtown for further questioning.
Studs: For what? I didn’t do anything… Wait up, it’s fuckin’ New Year’s Eve, dude! I got about two thousand people coming over tonight, it’s my biggest party of the year!
Cop 2: Looks like you’ll be spending it in Maricopa County’s finest facility… come on, now. Don’t fight us.
Studs: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Listen, go back to “FLUIDS”, dude. Check the trash cans, I crumpled the note and threw it on the floor. I swear! Hey, better yet… you guys have Internet?
Cop 1: Of course we do…
Studs: Then web-search Brawler’s on a fuckin’ Budget, dude, I wrestle there, okay? Go to forums and click on the one that says “Clubbin’ and Clobberin’” and read that motherfucker. It’s all right there, look at the responses! You don’t have to read the first one ‘cause it’s kinda long, but read the first response by that CircularAnswer dude. He does that Mr. Paradox character, man. Look at it, you’ll see the shadowy figure on the ceiling. You can read the note! It was Paradox, that jerkweed did it!
Cop 2: Likely story, sir. You have the right to remain…
Studs: LOOK, FUCK BALL! I DIDN’T DO IT! READ THAT SHIT, I HAVE TO BE HERE TONIGHT! IT’S MY NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY! GET ON-LINE AND READ IT!
Cop 1: We don’t currently have Internet access, Mr. Ummmm Studnuts. You know, that whole Millennium Bug thing, we’ve shut everything down…
Studs: WHAT? That was four fuckin’ years ago!
Cop 2: We’re backed up at the office, lot of crime in this city….
~~~They cuff him~~~
Studs: PARADOX, I SWEAR…. I WILL FUCKIN’ KILL YOU FOR THIS!
Cop 1: OooooooOOOOOh, and a threat to go with our other charges….
Studs: AS GAWD AS MY WITNESS, I WILL COMB THE FUCKIN’ EARTH FOR YOUR DUMBASS, PARAFUCKINSOX! YOU….WILL….FUCKIN’……DIE!
~~~The load him in the squad car and speed away. Meanwhile, Steve’s house gets looted by seven naked women.~~~
Dec 31, 2003, 9:41am »
~~~Later, downtown, Steve is seen in Interrogation Room “A”, wearing a tangerine colored jumpsuit.~~~
Detective: Mr. Studnuts, we have some guys looking through the trash at “FLUIDS” to try and collaborate your ridiculous story. But I’m afraid we’re going to have to detain you until at least your next wrestling show.
Studs: Next wrestling show? In BOB?! Fuck, I could serve a REAL murder rap before THAT happens! Paradox, I swear to GAWD… even if you kill YOURSELF to avoid me… I’ll CPR your dumbass to revive you so I can kill you my fuckin’ self! IT’S ON LIKE NECKBONE, NOW, BUDDY!
Detective: To whom are you talking to? (calls on radio) * click * Hey, Special Agent Deitz, you might want to contact a shrink for this guy, too…. * click *