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Kevin’s Xtreme Adventure at the Hospital

December 28th, 2003

[WARNING!: Before reading this, please realise that it makes no sense. But seeing as it is about a 13 year old who inhales the fumes of melting plastic every day I cannot see how it ever could.]

(The scene opens in the parking lot of a large building, ambulances are scattered around amidst people rushed around on stretchers chaotically. The camera moves forward for a while, bobbing up and down with each step, until a sign comes into view. ‘The Parts Unknown Professional Wrestling Hospital.’)

(Another scene opens, this time inside a small room with a bed as the focal point. On this bed lays a patient named Kevin. The charts all say that he is being treated, after Explosion of Injuries, for severe burns and a broken nose. As is tradition with the pro-wrestling hospital, his treatment consists of bandages being wrapped around his abdomen and a neck brace.)

Kevin: This is SOOO boring, they took my Mr. Box of Matches and Gary Gasoline off me and now I haven’t set anything on fire in DAYS!!!

(Kevin begins slamming the palm of his hand against a button, which either calls the nurse or shoots him fall of morphine. As a buxom lady in a skin tight PVC nurse’s uniform walks in Kevin’s jaw drops a little, the neck brace stops it from falling to full droop.)

Nurse: Time for a sponge bath Kevin baby?

Kevin: Ahhhhh, uhhhhhhhhhh…

(A young doctor runs in suddenly and grabs the nurse by the shoulders.)

Doctor: Dammit, the ratings in Mr. Kowalski’s rooms are hitting code blue, get down there and have a bikini contest! If the situation worsens get into a catfight and slip a nipple out… STAT!

(The nurse runs out, much to the disappointment of Kevin.)

Doctor: How ya doing Kevin?

Kevin: Well, I have a pain in my…

Doctor: IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW YOU’RE DOING, jabroni!

Kevin: Huh?

Doctor: The Doc says this, shut your roody poo CAANDY ass!

Kevin: Eh yo, isn’t that, like, gimmick infringement?

Doctor: Well, uh, hey! Aren’t you the kid who ripped off Mr. Intensity?

Kevin: NO! I am way more l33t than Mr. Intensity ever was.

Doctor: Who in the blue hell are YOU?!

Kevin: You have such a crappy gimmick.

Voice from outside the room: What?

Kevin: Oh no.

(Another doctor walks in, raising his arms at the four corners of the room before returning to the side of Kevin’s bed. The first doctor stares him down for a few minutes.)

The Doc: Who in the blue HELL are YOU?!?!!!

‘Stone Cold’ Steve Doctor: What?

Kevin: Look, could you two please…

SCSD: WHAT?!

Kevin: Well, if you let me finis…

SCSD: WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?! WHAT?!? WHAT!?! WHAT?!?

(Steve Doctor puts his middle fingers up before snatching Kevin’s carton of grape juice and bursting it open, pouring it over his face in an attempt to get it in his mouth.)

Kevin: You guys really need to get some good gimmicks, yo.

SCSD: What?

Kevin: You can stop that for starters man.

(Suddenly a third doctor, man this room is going to get crowded, runs in with a steel chair and drives it into the back of The Doc. Before he can hit anyone else Steve Doctor hits him with a stunner, which he oversells right back out of the room.)

SCSD: You don’t mess with ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Doctor, what? I am the toughest S.O.B. in this hospital, and that’s the bottom liiine, because Stone Cold said so.

(Steve clicks a button on his walkman and his theme music plays, allowing him to walk off triumphantly.)

Kevin: This hospital is whack man.

(Kevin pulls off his neck brace and climbs out of his bed, tying up his backless hospital singlet before striding out into the corridor.)

The Doc: NO, you can’t walk around without your neck brace, your burns haven’t properly healed yet!

Kevin: I’m harrdk0R!!1 dammit, I don’t need no time to heal, I need PYROMANIA!!1

(The hallways of the pro-wrestling hospital were littered with bad gimmicks, but Kevin ploughed through. To speed things up we’ll skip ahead. Kevin finally got to a door with ‘wrestling props’ written on it in black marker, HIS props must be in there too. He walked inside.)

Kevin: Whoa…

(Like a glorious janitor’s closet, the props room was a spectacular sight. Kendo sticks, mannequin heads, hobbyhorses, socks… it was an impressive sight to behold. Our hero was quick to snatch up Mr. Box of Matches and Gary Gasoline… and a baseball bat too. He then hurried back out, still on his quest for the exit.)

Kevin: Man, I need some nu metal, pepsi and PyR0Mania!1 fast.

Voice: Hey, get out of that closet!

Kevin: Who the hell are you, jobber?

Doctor T: What did you just say? TELL me you didn’t just say that.

Kevin: Foley give me strength, you guys are all nutcases… now get out of my way so I can set something on fire!

Doctor T: Can you dig it SUCKAAA?!

Kevin: Can YOU?

Doctor T: Huh?

(Kevin hit him over the head with the baseball bat before continuing his charge through the corridors. There is footage of him running for a few minutes,. Not really doing much else, until he reaches the exit. He pushes the door open with an evil laugh.)

Kevin: Freedom, sweet hardK0re freedom!

Another voice from behind: Not so fast, Kevin!

(Kevin turns round and takes a lit match to the doctor’s uniform. Though his flame retardant suit is in plain sight, he goes up like a Christmas tree and rolls around on the parking lot floor.)

Kevin: PYROMANIA!!1

(Kevin takes his trust fuel and matches combo and gets to work on a nearby tree, soaking it thoroughly and expertly with Gary Gasoline.)

Kevin: HARDKOORE!!1

Third voice from behind: Hey, what are you doing there!?

(Kevin span round and cracked a baseball bat across the jobber-doctor’s head.)

Kevin: Jobber, you suck!

Jobber #2: Hey, what have you done to Jobber #1?

Kevin: This!

(Kevin snaps the bat over the second jobber-doctor’s head. Kevin is ready to hit more people with pre-cut balsa wood weapons when one of them spouts a catchphrase.)

The Doc: Who in the BLUE HELL are YOU?!

Kevin: You again? Ahhh for the love of Foley, what do you want?! This tree was just about to go up in flames!!!

The Doc: The Doc says this, you have to get your roody poo CAANDY ass back to your room, or you could hurt yourself.

Kevin: Duh, I’m a masokis… masercis… I can take pain dammit!

The Doc: The Doc says this, you come to this hospital, you run your mouth, you hit our jobber-doctors… you fail to realise you’re just a jobber round here too. So get back to your room and back in your neck brace before The Doc takes off his wristwatch, throws it to the crowd, runs across the ring and hits you with the Paediatrician’s Elbow!

Kevin: Screw you, I’m hardK0Rz!!1!`

The Doc: Well, ok, but you can’t have this magazine full of pictures of Nurse Heidi back if you don’t.

Kevin: Uhhhhhhhh Nuuuuuuurse Heiiiiiiiiiidiiiiiiii…. Ok.

(The Doc leads the horny pyromaniac back to his room and puts him back in his bed, his magazine stuffed underneath the mattress where it belongs. The Doc holds one more thing behind his back and raises the Paediatrician’s eyebrow.)

Kevin: What’s that you have behind your ba…

The Doc: IF YA SMEEEEEEEELLLAALALALAA… what The Doc… is… cookin’!!!

Kevin: Hospital food?

The Doc: Damn right.

(The Doc hands the tray of mushy crap to Kevin as the scene fades out to black.)

The End

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