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Flame Retard…ant

December 8th, 2003

(Connecting… Verifying username and password… Starting services…)

Kevin: What the crap is taking so long?!

(The instant messenger service springs onto the desktop as Kevin sighs in forced apathy. He takes his fingers and slams them onto the keyboard as thousands… well, one, message appears on his computer screen.)

nU_meTal_feEnd: S’up?

KEvIn_4_life_03: WTF?! lol S’up?

nU_meTal_feEnd: asl?

KEvIn_4_life_03: WTF?!?!?!? j00 kNow wH0 i aM.

nU_meTal_feEnd: ChiLl yo, lol, wtf? Im jus plAyin’

KEvIn_4_life_03: Dats coo, yo. Yo, what j00 doin 2Day?!

nU_meTal_feEnd: the samr thiNg i d0 eVerY night pinKy.

KEvIn_4_life_03: PiNky?!?! WTF?!? Dat don’t maKe no sense, it aiNt like j00 n0t 2 mAke sEnse?!?!

nU_meTal_feEnd: cHill yo, eH y0, lol, Yo, i, i aint doin nuthin 2dAy foo.

KEvIn_4_life_03: foo?!? WTF?!?! lol, yo, I waNna seE j00 2day, I gOtz soMe harrdKorre~!!1 pyrrOmania~!!!21 2 dO, 2day. YO, i seE ya aT sCh00l an den we be doin PyrOmania after all daT?!

nU_meTal_feEnd: Yo, dats coo. i gOtz 2 go nOw, da sk00l bUs is ere.

KEvIn_4_life_03: ok, i see ya SooN den BarRy?!

nU_meTal_feEnd: yea mna KevIn, i sEe ya at SkO0L?!1

(nU_meTal_feEnd has logged off)

(The scene changes from the computer screen to the Parts Unknown High School, a flock of pimply-faced teenagers swarm from the place of learning as though a predator were giving chase. The camera zooms in to see none other than Kevin The Pyromaniac, a handsome, dashing young man with a golden head of silky hair wafts across with a purple school jacket draped over his muscular shoulders. As the jock moves out of the way we see Kevin, dressed in over the top baggy clothes which have the only purpose of covering up his acne. Next to him is a nerdy boy, a mop of greasy red hair atop his head that set off his taped frame glasses beautifully.)

Kevin: Yo, Barry, are you ready for some pyromania, hardcore extreme action!?!

Barry: Yo, Kevin, I gotta get back home, my dad wants me to help clear out the garage today.

Kevin: What the fu… but I was gunna set some stuff on fire!

Barry: Yo, there’s always tomorrow Kevin.

Kevin: I suppose.

(Kevin begins skulking slowly away, as Barry rushes home. His moody eyes quickly turn to the chest of Mindy, the highschool beauty who has a love for jocks and… ahem, something that rhymes with that. One of the said jocks scowls as he sees Kevin’s jaw drooping. The stud removes his Parts Unknown High School jacket from his back and wraps it around the cold Mindy, catching a quick feel of the twins.)

Kevin: Uhhhhh…

(Kevin’s extreme horniness drops as soon as Mindy has been gone for half an hour and his mind turns to his other love, his hand… no, the thing that is IN his hand… no wait, that’s worse. His other love is a gasoline can and a box of matches. He flexes his muscles and gets into the Rhino (or Rhyno, whatever) position and roars.)

Kevin: PYROMANIA~!!!!!1 To hell with Barry and that jock idiot. To hell with Mindy’s boobs and her tight sweater that curves around her like… erm, and to hell with Kamikazie Ken! All I need is Gary Gasoline, Mr. Box of Matches and a whole lot of hardcoreness… PYROMANIA~!!!1

(Kevin lifts his overly baggy flame design shirt, with a bandage around his ribs to heal himself after being thrown in a dumpster fire, and takes a match from some pocket deep in the capacious jeans and sparks forth a flame.)

Kevin: Nobody messes with Kevin, I’m hardcore for Foley’s sake!

(Kevin brings the match up to a poster advertising a high school basketball match between Parts Unknown and Cloudydale, the words soon fade into orange flames that engulf the paper.)

Kevin: Hahahaha!!! Pyromania ownz j00~!!1

(As he spills gasoline on himself the scene fades quickly, avoiding any more embarrassing footage of a teenager trying to put himself out.)

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