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Sex, fire and video tapes

November 28th, 2003

(The scene opens to the sight of various pungent shoes laying in a row. The camera pans up to a wrestling ring where Silicone M Plants tells douja to go smell some shoe… another camera pans out from this, past the television screen which it is on and to an armchair.)

Kevin: Yooooo man, them shoes have GOT to be stinky!

(Kevin is seen on the edge of his seat, squealing in excitement as Da Sassy Bitch is told to go sniff up some footwear.)

Kevin: SMP! SMP! SMP!

(A door behind him opens and a figure walks in to the living room, looking puzzled at the TV.)

Mom: Kevin, what is this you’re watching?

(Kevin pushes the pause button, stopping Ronald Killalot mid-spelling, and swings round suddenly, a scowl on his face.)

Kevin: Yo, what are you doing just chargin in here unannounced? Can’t I get some privacy?! I’m doin my research on BOB with these old tapes I got from Billy.

Mom: Well, turn it off, it’s time for dinner.

Kevin: Ughhh, can’t I just eat it in here?

Mom: Don’t you want to spend at least some time with your family?

Kevin: Hell no! I’ve got to prepare myself for the extreme hardcore crap I’m gunna be doin in BOB!

Mom: Well, ok. But get started on your homework as soon as it’s finished.

Kevin: Ahhh man! Why the crap do I need grammar when I gots my extreme hardcore career to get ready for?

Mom: Don’t make me take these tapes off you! You’ll do your homework the second it finishes.

Kevin: Ugggghhh!!!

(Kevin unpauses the tape, becoming enthralled instantly as Sir Killalot finishes his spelling of silicone.)

SMP: HEY! You got it! You win!

(douja drives a forearm smash straight to SMP, Kevin shrieks loudly at the action.)

MA: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE WINNER…AND NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW…. ONLY WORLD CHAMPION THAT MATTERS…SIR RONALD KILLALOT!

Kevin: Ahhhh wow!

(There’s a knock on the door.)

Kevin: What the… who the crap could that be?!

(Kevin stops and ejects the footbrawl tape before heading to the front door and opening it.)

Billy: Yo, Kevin, s’up?

Kevin: S’up?

Billy: I asked you first!!!

Kevin: Umm, oh, err, nothing man, yo, what you, yo, here for?

Billy: I wanted to see which BOB tape you’d gotten up to and take back whatever you’ve watched.

Kevin: Yo, that’s whack.

Billy: Hey, they’re MY tapes, yo.

Kevin: True dat. Errm, anyway, yeah, yo, I gots up to footbrawl so far.

Billy: Woah, oh, yeah, I got Poinkamania now too.

(Billy produces a tape with ‘pOiNkaMAniA~!!1’ written messily on it in black marker. From his school bag.)

Kevin: Yoooo, I’m on that one!

Billy: You sucked on it.

Kevin: What the, heeeeell naw, that was hardcore whats I gots up to on that.

Billy: Whatever, anyway, yo, can I come in?

(Kevin turns round and walks back to living room, shortly followed by Billy who slams himself onto the sofa.)

Billy: Yo, this next NAGAM is in hell and Violent Pacifist wins back the Are You…

Kevin: YO! Don’t spoil it for me then.

Billy: Yo, what you getting all angry bout? You’re whack!

Kevin: What did you just say? Teeell me you didn’t just say that!

Billy: You suck!

(Kevin erupts from his comfortable chair and flies at Billy, slamming the side of his head into a coffee table. Kevin then quickly charges at the fireplace and screams out.)

Kevin: PYROMANIA~!!1

(Kevin pushes his arm into the fire, pulling it back out, now encased in flames, and drops an elbow right to the back of Billy’s head. He turns him and makes a cover, making the count himself for lack of referee.)

… 1

… 2

… 3

Kevin: I win, yo! I am Kevin the Pyromaniac!

(Kevin throws Billy out of his house and turns back on his video, drooling as Nurse Heidi in a bikini wafts across his screen dreamily.)

Kevin: Nuuurrrse Heiiiidii…. yaaaggghllwwffph!

(We cut to static as the horny teenager drips saliva on himself.)

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