Home > rant > Zeno’s Confusion

Zeno’s Confusion

November 15th, 2003


*Your monitor’s screen fades out, and we cut in on a scene of Sir Zeno’s throne room. The Paradox King himself is sitting on his couch, holding a long-arse printout and occasionally clucking to himself not unlike a chicken. Mr. Paradox, meanwhile, is attempting to work a VCR. He’s not doing too good at it.*

Sir Zeno: Greetings, creatures of Dimension E. I am, as you know, Sir Zeno, ruler of this dimension… and right now, I’m in a bit of a tiff. My manservant, Mr. Paradox, hacked into the active roster of BOB Wrestling, and it’s proving to be quite interesting – and laughable – reading.

*He turns to the list and snickers a bit.*

Sir Zeno: Starting from the top: Albert DeSalvo. As someone who once had dinner with the Boston Strangler, and actually recorded a cover version of “Strangler in the Night”, I must protest. This is just… wrong, somehow.
Moving down the list, I see Atomo the Living Robot. While I’m amused that my old college roommate, Dr. Azathoth, is doing well for himself, I must question why he built that thing. It’s such a letdown from the good old days, when he was planning to genetically alter asparagus to make them all uniform lengths.

*Mr. Paradox is electrocuted by the VCR, and Sir Zeno doesn’t even blink.*

Sir Zeno: Now we come to BVD… Eew. Get me the penecillin, please.
Next is Coma. Excuse me while I snicker. *He snickers.* I could defeat him with a leg tied to my arm.
Hmmm… Death is a wrestler here? It’s almost amusing. Too bad he couldn’t think out the roster some more. And I’m going to skip right over the Detatched Narrator…


Sir Zeno: Stop that. Now we reach the…

Mr. Paradox: (badly dubbed) Hirohito, Where am I? This is Not Tokyo!

Sir Zeno: …title belt. *He stares at Mr. Paradox for a brief moment.* Either way, an easy victory.
Insano Mano is a luchadore, which means that he’s into the high-flying, which means I just have to step to one side every few seconds.
And now… you know what, all of this people are wastes of time to discuss. I have better things to do, like sorting my laundry!

Mr. Paradox: What about Festering Death?

*Sir Zeno smiles, then gets up, grabs Mr. Paradox by his collar, and performs a reverse backbreaker with a Spanish twist. After checking to make sure the odd manuever didn’t kill his manservant, he turns back to the screen.*

Sir Zeno: Ah, yes, the emoticons. Spacecop and Spaceduck, the two most aggravating people since the end of Doink’s career. Well, all I have to say to you is this…
<( ' . '< ) <( ' . ' )> ( > ‘ . ‘ )>

*Stepping up to the VCR, Sir Zeno hits it and begins watching a classic Hogan match.*


*You now have fifteen spam messages in your mail. Sorry about that.*

rant , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

  1. November 20th, 2003 at 08:09 | #1

    To: Sir Zeno
    From: Azathoth@AtomoMail.doom
    Re: Hi!

    Oh, you’re that Sir Zeno. Well, scoff all you like, but Atomo is going to be the next Robby the Robot, you’ll see. I just have to figure out what to do about these Japanese robot manufacturers, with their Gumdans and Evalyns and Pokemon and whatnot. They seem to mostly use kids to pilot the things… maybe if I hold their Dual Monster cards for ransom?

    As for that other thing, Project Shatavari was going quite well until those fools at MAAB cut my funding. They were too blind to see the value of my work, but I’ll show them! I’ll prove that it is they who are mad! Buwahahahaha!

    AtomoMail: Hahahahaha!

Comments are closed.