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Loose Ends: A Story of Pyromania!

October 21st, 2003

(Fade in to the main event of XBYWF’s ‘October Xtreme Massacre.’ Two pale, skinny, blood covered teenagers occupy the top of a ten foot ladder as an unskilled commentator goes nuts.)

Ralph The Commentator: These two are easily the most Xtreme superstars to ever hit the XBYWF!

(One of the teenagers punches the other in the arm, knocking him out cold. The conscious teen then begins to set himself up, hooking one of the arms of the other teen.)

Ralph: What on earth is he going to do here?

(With a slow movement both competitors fall forward, the unconscious one rolling forward as much as he can as they come crashing down towards an ultra-thin piece of wood.)


(The three fans clap sympathetically before looking at their watches and wondering if this is really the best thing they can occupy their time with.)

Ralph: This has got to be the greatest match in XBYWF’s history!

(One of the teens covers the other and the referee with black stripes painted on his white shirt makes the count.

… 1

… 2

… 3!!!

Ralph: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages…

(The two remaining fans, both 15 year old boys, look up.)

Ralph: Introducing our NEW XBYWF World Xtreme Champion… Kevin THE PYROMANIAC!!!

(Shrugs ensue as the two bored fans begin playing on a gameboy.

The referee hauls Kevin up from the splinters of the chipboard and clips the plastic title belt around his waist, raising his bloody arm into the air.)

Ralph: The fans are losing it; Kevin The Pyromaniac is our new champion! This is the greatest day in XBYWF’s history!

(Kevin stumbles about, blood pouring from the blade marks on his head. He roars out with adrenaline as he realises his glorious victory. Ralph trips out of his chair and waddles over to the new XBYWF champ, holding his empty fist to his mouth to simulate a microphone.)

Ralph: Kevin, could I have a few words?

Kevin: Sure!

Ralph: How does it feel to be the new champion?

Kevin: Yoooo, it feels great!

Ralph: What on earth was going through your mind when you sent X-Inferno crashing through that table with that awe inspiring hip toss from the top of that ten foot ladder?

Kevin: Not much!

Ralph: Well, ok. As we all know, with every title win here in XBYWF a weeks supply of Pepsi is given out. How do you feel about this?

Kevin Woah, Pepsi!!!

Ralph: I thought you might say that.

Kevin: Pepsi rocks you nerd!

Ralph: I know it does… and hey, I aint no nerd!

Kevin: That’s the kinda thing a nerd would say!

Ralph: Anyway, now that you have reached the highest point in XBYWF what are your goals now?

Kevin: Yo, I’m, like, getting the hell outta this place.

Ralph: WHAT?!?!!

Kevin: I’ve got bigger and better things to do with my career. I’m gunna go get signed up with BOB!

Ralph: Brawlers on a Budget?!?

Kevin: Hell yeah! I am THE Only World Pyromaniac That Matters! And BOB had better get ready… for Kevin!

(Kevin drops the plastic XBYWF World Xtreme Title belt to the floor and squirts gasoline onto it; he then drops a match and laughs. Ralph cries out as the title belt melts and Kevin struts away.)

Kevin: Eh yo, whacha gunna do BOB when Pyromania runs wild on yooooooouuuuuu?!

(Cut to a washing line and then static.)

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