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Fountain of Youth

October 16th, 2003

(Fade in to the carbonated beverage aisle of a small convenience store, the looming and ominous figures of two skinny teenagers prance into view. They both have ludicrously baggy clothes that make them look like weird rap-clowns… an insane posse of stupid looking teenagers if you will.)

Chad: Yo Kevin, here we are at last.

Kevin: The fountain of youth, the bottled elixir of eternal life, ambrosia of the Gods!

(Both boys bow their heads in reverence as they pay homage to the plastic bottles and it’s blue logo… Pepsi.)

Chad: I thought I was gunna die out there while we were walking down here.

Kevin: Me too, it’s been hours since I’ve had a Pepsi.

Chad: That’s awful dude!

Kevin: I know, the only reason I survive at times of depraved Pepsi is because of how hardcore I am.

(Kevin reaches out and grabs hold of a large, rounded plastic bottle and slowly lifts it from the shelf. He holds it above his head, staring at it’s magnificence.)

Kevin: I don’t think I can wait any longer.

Chad: Dude, what are you saying?

(Kevin unscrews the lid like a maniac and tilts the bottle upside down and into his mouth, the sticky brown liquid washes down his throat like a refreshing tsunami.)

Chad: Dude!!! That’s, like, stealing… you haven’t paid for that yet.

(Kevin drops the bottle from his lips, throwing his spiky green locks back from his face and sighing in sugar addiction relief.)

Kevin: I don’t care; I couldn’t wait another moment without tasting that sweet sweet Pepsi.

Chad: Dude, yo, you know there are kids in them poor countries who hardly have any Pepsi at all.

Kevin: God, well, I suppose those poor people are truly the hardcore ones to last so long without it.

(Chad looks at the sparkling nectar and snatches the bottle from Kevin’s hands, gulping down the sugary drink as fast as he can.)

Kevin: In a perfect Yootopeea type thing people would have all the Pepsi they wanted, all over the world. And not just Pepsi, Big Macs as well! Even the poorest of people deserve these basics staples of food.

Chad: Yootopeea? Yo, dude, why you, like, using all those, like, long words and shit?

(Suddenly a man in a dark blue smock appears from the canned food aisle and stares at the two teenagers and the half empty, half full if he had been an optimist, bottle of Pepsi.)

Hank the assistant: I hope you kids are going to pay for that!

(Kevin turns to him and smiles.)

Kevin: Don’t worry dude, don’t have a heart attack, Chad has all the money we need.

Chad: Yo, dude, like, what are talking about?

Kevin: You brought the money, yo, for, like, the Pepsi and shit.

Chad: Yo! I told YOU to bring the money for the Pepsi and shit!

Kevin: Hell no you didn’t, it was the other way round, I told YOU!!!

Hank: So neither of you have any money?!

(Kevin stares at Hank and the furious expression beginning to form. He sticks up his middle finger and grabs the Pepsi back from Chad.)

Kevin: Hey, geezer, don’t fuck with me… I’m hardcore.

(Hank charges at them and they begin to run, dropping the bottle onto the floor so that the remaining liquid spills out.)

Hank: You stupid kids!!!

(Chad and Kevin dive forward, as though from the temple of doom, through the pneumatic doors and out of danger. Hank is left to wave his broom at them until he is called for a clean up in aisle 3.)

Chad: Yo, dude, like, we made it, like, out of there alive!

Kevin: Well, when you, like, hang around with someone as hardcore as me you get out of all danger.

Chad: So, like, what’re you gunna do now?

Kevin: Well, I am Kevin THE PYROMANIAC!!! I’ll do what I do best.

Chad: What’s, like, that?

Kevin: I’ll torch the place.

(Kevin then reveals a box of matches and a can of gasoline from his preposterously baggy pants and smiles wickedly.)

(Fade out, at last.)

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