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Pyromania!

October 9th, 2003

(Fade in to a wobbling backyard. As the handheld camera is settled a teenage boy is visible before us, wearing ridiculously baggy clothes with fire designs scattered everywhere. As soon as he sees the red light on the camera he points his index finger straight at the lens)

Kevin: Hey! You! Yeah, you! You want to see something hardcore? You want to see something Xtreme?!

(Kevin stops pointing at his unseen audience and pounds his chest, taking a step back in pain. He takes a moment to recover before pointing again.)

Kevin: You ain’t gotta look any further than right here! Are you ready for something hardcore!? Are you ready for something Xtreme!?

Chad: Just get on with it!

Kevin: Errm… shut your mouth jobber, we’re running on Kevin time here! Fans of BOB, none of you are even close to being ready for something as hardcore, something as extreme as Kevin!

(Kevin stops pointing at the screen and begins stepping backyards, unblocking the view of the messy backyard behind him. The shards of a dozen broken tables litter the dirt where grass should be amongst ladders, kitchen sinks and various twisted bits of metal.)

Kevin: This is Kevin’s battlefield… this is Kevin’s warzone! So many bloody battles have been fought here, so many sane people have left mentally scarred after watching the Xtreme action that goes on here!

(Kevin wipes away a tear from his eyes with a sleeve the hangs well below his fingertips.)

Kevin: But sadly it is time for Kevin to leave this place! A very emotional time has fallen on us! Kevin is moving on from this place of slaughter! Where is Kevin going, I hear you ask!

(Kevin, once again, points at the screen)

Kevin: Kevin will F’n tell you! Kevin is going to BOB! What!? You don’t think Kevin is good enough for BOB’s elite lineup of talent!? You don’t think Kevin is hardkore enough!?

(Kevin jabs his finger forward a few times, accentuating the pointing)

Kevin: Let Kevin show you!

(Kevin turns his back to the screen and scurries across the yard, he pulls a paper-thin wooden table along with him, setting it up carefully before reaching into his oversized pockets. He reveals a gasoline can and a box of matches, pouring the liquid fuel out onto the table. He then turns to the camera again, pointing, and laughs manically before lighting one of the matches.)

Kevin (barely audible): prepare for hardcoreness!

(The table bursts into flames, Kevin jumping back to avoid the flames. Behind him there is a ladder already set up leading to the roof of the house. Kevin begins to ascend the ladder, climbing higher and higher. When he reaches the top he looks down at the camera, though far away and blurry we can just make out his finger being pointed at the screen.)

Kevin (even less audible now he’s up on the roof): yeah!!!

(Kevin launches himself from the roof, his limbs flailing in all directions as he hurtles through the air. With a crash Kevin’s body cracks through the burning table onto the ground below, Chad wastes no time running as fast as he can towards him.)

Chad: Kevin, are you alright?

(Kevin looks up, his hair and clothes now on fire and slowly raises his arm into a pointing position.)

Kevin: Kevin The Pyromaniac! Whatcha gunna do, BOB, whatcha gunna do when pyromania runs wild on… uhhh.

(Kevin’s head hits the dirt with a thud as he loses consciousness, the camera cuts to static as Chad tries to put Kevin out.)

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